Divorce is never good, but take a narcissist/verbal/emotional abuser and his lawyer and you have a situation that can turn very quickly into an explosive, tenacious, battle. You can be hit with increasingly intense abuse. The legal system can be a very effective battering tool. The verbal abuser becomes enraged when faced with a partner who has found the power to leave and feels justified in his behavior.  He or she may want to punish you and this can go on for a very long time. Often the abuser who sees he is losing control will escalate the methods of control and abuse. The lies will be bolder and he may manipulate with more intensity.  He has a fierce need to regain power and control. Continued use of the legal system  may now be available to him. He will deplete assets to pay attorneys to continue the battle ad nauseum.  With the psychopathology of the narcissist you are in for a long battle. They have tunnel vision when you have become the designated enemy. DIVORCE AMMO: You Can Find Help You Need                             Click Here

                                                     IF YOU HAVE NOT YET BEGUN LEGAL PROCEEDINGS

This is a dangerous time.  In times of danger the best thing to do is prepare.

Men are used to doing battle.  Women are not. But men are easy prey for
emptying their bank account by greedy lawyers.

I wrote in my book about divorce:

The first thing my husband's attorney asked him was "Shall I hit her
over the head with a 2x4?"  There  is such pathology in this  that we
must be aware, vigilant, and prepared. The legal system is adverserial
and full of men and women with tremendous needs  for power.

We are dealing with narcissists who are already damaged and primed to do battle.
They are masters at  deception and projection.  Gaslighting is their forte.  You need
financial assets to protect yourself and your children.  Narcissism can be very expensive.

Keep quiet.  Plan without running to everyone and telling them you are divorcing. 
Interview attorneys and make a plan before  you tell your spouse what you are doing. 
The moment you do, you have lost some power.

                                                      PLANNING is CRITICAL!

Be prepared.  If you have not yet begun the process of divorce you must protect yourself by careful planning. I
recently got a call from a woman who asked if people listened to me about the importance of planning.I said that
some do and some don't. She said, "Tell them I said so! I am the poster child for not planning and it isn't good."

               
Take a look at  Divorce and Lawyers There is a lot of information and excellent ebooks for both men
and women to prepare you for a difficult divorce.

If you have a lot of money, your tactics will be somewhat different than that of one with lesser money. But everyone
has something to protect. There will be no mercy shown by your narcissist during this time. His sense of entitlement
is boundless  and you will be maligned and disparaged and anything, any crumb you get will be too much for you.
In his mind, you are worthless, you deserve nothing.

Plan. Plan. Plan.  Make sure you have access to all the family funds and accounts. Unless it is an inheritance or
there is a prenup, family money belongs to both of you. If you are not on title of the house, make sure you do this.

Get a support group of therapists, friends, family members. Make sure therapists understand narcissism and can
testify in  your behalf in court.

If the therapist is good but resists the words narcissist and narcissism, call it emotional and verbal abuse.

Document everything. Do all this quietly and thoughtfully or you will enrage the narcissist.

Do not discuss impending divorce. This gives him time to drain the bank accounts, change documents. When you
hire a lawyer, do not tell your spouse immediately.  Tell the lawyer your situation.  Ask if they can handle tough cases.
Make sure you interview several lawyers.  Ask who the "pit bull" lawyers are so you can interview them. That way, even
 if you do not hire them, neither can  your spouse.

Negotiate the retainer.  Most family law attorneys overcharge. Try and find one that gives you some breathing space
in terms of how  they charge.  The more prepared, calm and efficient you are, the more the attorney will respect you. 
Emotion and long stories are not liked by attorneys. They are busy, they want cut to the chase information - are there
custody issues?  is there property to be divided? how much? what problems do you foresee?

Planning is never so important as in divorce. Get your ducks in order and do all you can and be prepared before you
announce you want a divorce.

If that's too late, then begin getting support group together. It is never too late to hire evaluators or therapists for your side.
If custody will be an issue, be prepared that he will try to alienate your child from you with brainwashing. Learn as much
as you can before you divorce.

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

return to Narcissisticabuse or  look at the excerpts from my book on divorce and narcissism