Maybe you've tried setting boundaries, making compromises, thinking,                  
"If I act nicer, things will get better."  Maybe you vow to be a survivor,
not a victim, but it hasn't happened yet.
                                                                                                           
Abuse wears you down. Therapists and family think         
it is your fault.   It's time to take control and take back your life.                                       
If you had a narcissistic parent, you may still be dealing with the        
anger and shame from long ago.

Finding ways to take control is the beginning of the end of the 
abuse. Changing the way you think is  the beginning of changing your life.                               



THE ONLY THING YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
 If you are here, you probably have been hurt by someone with          
narcissistic personality disorder or another form of abuse.
It is painful to be deceived and in chaos from their manipulations.
Waiting for them to get better is futile.            
 

I was married to a narcissist, but I didn't know it until we got divorced.
That's the kind I call stealth narcissists.  They are in stealth mode until
challenged. Other narcissists may show themselves in other ways. Divorcing
him took strength and I had to learn about abusive divorce attorneys
as well as abusive spouses. But you don't have to go through this.

ONE MORNING CHANGED MY LIFE

I did graduate work at Stanford in psychology and it was there I learned
about learned helplessness.  LH is the concept or belief you hold
that nothing you do matters, that you cannot change anything.

I forgot about learned helplessness until one morning I woke up and
it was on my mind and with an "aha" moment of clarity I realized I only
thought I couldn't change anything. From then on, I decided to change
my beliefs, and from that change my actions. ABC: Adversity, belief,
consequence.  From then onward my divorce changed. Not overnight,
but crushing weight of stress was gone. I knew I could no longer
see things as impossible. I had to change my beliefs about fear of
abuse, and take action.

Waiting Won't Help, It Makes Things Worse

Unfortunately, waiting makes you older, not wiser in this
situation. The longer you are in a relationship with a
manipulator or a verbal, physical or emotional abuser, the
harder it is to leave. Information is your friend. If you don't
take action now, tomorrow may be too little, too late.

CONSULTATION

If you are thinking of leaving or divorcing, schedule a consultation to learn what steps
you need to take immediately or to evaluate your situation. Or if you want to learn how to
deal with being the child of a narcissist and self-esteem issues, please
don't wait any more. Life is short, it's time to learn how to have fun again.

"Ann -  You helped me be calm in the midst of this divorce storm. You worked so hard for me, your ideas changed how we did things and made all the difference. Thank you, thank you!" J.B.


Ann Bradley
Univ. of Pennsylvania, Antioch, Stanford University


Testimonial
 Marcy J of San Diego writes:
"I was in such total despair when I found you Ann.... it is good to know there are people like you trying so hard working so hard to help mother and their babies. Family Law is in dire need of reform."



                                              ARTICLES and RESOURCES on Narcissism

              
Narcissism, Narcissists, NARCISSISTIC Emotional and Verbal Abuse and Divorce

CUSTODY and The Personality Disordered   

Few go into divorce understanding how often parents lose custody
especially in today's changing legal climate. The tender years doctrine
is gone, replaced by presumptive joint custody in many areas. This
presents huge problems: legal, financial and emotional.

Judges often grant custody to abusers.  Therapists assist them in doing so.
Most attorneys are woefully inadequate in knowing how to deal with
these situations. 

Parental Alienation Syndrome: NEWS

 Myths That Place Children At  Risk During Custody  Litigation.
   
Don't risk losing your child. Educate yourself.  There are only a handful of
attorneys that understand the dynamics of complex custody cases. Mothers
are losing custody at a rapidly increasing pace. Find out what you can do to
stop a custody battle before it begins. I coach what to say to a custody evaluator,
and how to talk to your attorney to get him on your side. And how to determine
if you need a new one...fast.  

Custody battles are expensive and heartbreaking. Learn what the attorneys don't
know and why they don't help.  Find out why PAS may mean you lose your child.
PAS is Parental Alienation Syndrome and is only used against moms. Learn what not
to say. My clients range from Hollywood stars to Kentucky farmers, and the problems
are the same: controllers are winning custody at an alarming rate. Don't wait to
learn what games are being played.      




                 A NEW WORLD OF NARCISSISM

The past year has seen an explosion of websites, TV shows and books on narcissists, and
narcissistic personality disorder. The American public has added
the words narcissist and narcissism to their vocabulary.

A narcissist has certain characteristics similar to other
emotional abusers. It is often more important to say you
are the victim of an abuser than attempt to define the
personality disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder should
only be diagnosed by a psychiatrist familiar with the disorder if
you are going to use this in court.

You Can Survive Emotional Abuse, but don't be abused by "helpers"
in doing so. 

Misery doesn't need company, misery needs help.

There is life on the other side of abuse. And you need tools to
get there. Tired of the cheerleaders telling you to "move on",
"become a survivor"? Not everyone can "choose" to "move on".
Some people can do so with ease and never look back. But when
abuse and trauma have destroyed the infrastructure of your life,
you need tools to help you rebuild, not lectures. If you have
been victimized, you are a victim. Read Victim Bashing so you
won't be abused again by well meaning but misinformed therapists,
friends and authors. Find those who validate, understand and
offer real ways to help, not just slogans. There are tools to
turn your life around and you deserve to have them. From trauma
victim to powerful survivor is not a journey you need to take
alone.

You do not have to be the victim of narcissism (narcissistic
personality disorder). You don't have to lose your confidence,
hope and passion for life because you are in a relationship with
a narcissist. This experience can be a catalyst for growth and
self respect and learning how to cope with difficult events and
circumstances. You can learn the skills to move beyond. 

                For hope and a reality check:  SO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING CRAZY?
                                           

Divorcing a narcissist? Need help?

This site is filled with information on narcissists and divorce, and emotional and verbal abuse. There are informational essays, tools and techniques to help you disengage or move away from a narcissistic partner and move away you must for he or she will not change. You will need the techniques to navigate the labyrinth of how to disengage.  If you enter the legal system, do not become the further victim of therapists, lawyers and judges who see your assertiveness and defense of your rights as abuse itself.  The role reversal is common: your emotions and the abusers calm demeanor work against you.   The issue of pathologizing the victim is common in abusive relationships.


Is there a deoposition coming up in your divorce? See The Narcissist  IN Court  

WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THE NARCISSIST

IT looks like the same world of everyone else. But it isn't. It's the fun house, Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz version of reality where the Mad Hatter rules and the curtain hides a coward and no one is sure of what they see and everything is distorted.

LABELS: Not sure if your abuser is a narcissist? When you are being abused, the labels are less important than you getting help and understanding you are a victim. Don't ignore the possibility your abuser is a sociopath. This book is startling in its portrayal of the sociopathic personality. They are everywhere, they appear so normal and yet they are stunningly cunning. Read 

                                                THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR

Divorce and the Narcissist  

For information and help in making divorce an easier process please visit:  DIVORCE and LAWYERS
 

Narcissism and Divorce

If you divorce an abuser, be prepared. There is nothing more compelling and controlling than a narcissist in a divorce. He loves the power of the legal system.

Behind the Scenes of Dysfunctional Divorce and Narcissism: chaos. Planning is critical.

A narcissist has a need to destroy to feel better. Many threaten: "I will grind you into the ground until you are gone."  The narcissist cannot understand there is anything abnormal and evil in his actions.  The narcissist is aware only of his universe and his sense of entitlement overrides any pain he inflicts. Stealing doesn't matter as long as he doesn't get caught.  When caught, he does not apologize. Only by blaming and belittling can he feel good.  My divorce, the lawyers and the legal system are chronicled in DIVORCE: The Real Truth, The Hidden Dangers, Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism

Protect yourself in DIVORCE. Be prepared. Read this now if you are thinking of getting divorced or have already started.

Tactics and Strategies

 Custody

CUSTODY LINKS. Several years ago I posted the now famous case of a wealthy abuser stalking through the legal system (Lyle v Lyttle) Now it is to be found on every site on narcissism. This is the power of the internet and viral marketing. It delights me to see so many learning so much. Yet, the problems are not improving. Mothers are refusing to assert their power and wisdom and instead join groups to complain. Men don't bother to complain; they are marshaling their forces, power and money to use as control over women and children. By intellectually, strategically banding together and learning the law, they are winning the custody wars. They are not giving up. They are focused with laser like intensity. These comprehensive  links will take you inside the fathers rights groups and introduce you to the pathology of their war on women.

CUSTODY and the PERSONALITY DISORDERED

Control of the child is a primary goal of a narcissist in a divorce, even when this is not in the child's best interest. Custody battles are vicious, emotionally draining, and the hallmark of the personality disordered who knows how to control the emotions of the mother/child bond.

Father's rights groups are springing up all over with attorneys running them for profit and revenge. They are teaching fathers how to use the legal system as a battering ram to overcome unsuspecting, naive mothers. Women are reluctant to take a proactive stance and are constantly on the defensive. This is a perfect avenue for narcissists and others to take control and bully. Women's lawyers too encourage women to keep quiet and be good. They do not like to represent a woman in a vicious custody battle. Here are several links to different types of custody issues and situations with abusers.

NEED CUSTODY HELP NOW?                        Click here for    CUSTODY HELP

 DIVORCE: THE REAL TRUTH, THE HIDDEN DANGER
Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism. by Ann Bradley
This is the book you buy before you hire a lawyer or stuck in the middle of an ugly fight.  It's also a book of hope for those in a bad divorce with a difficult partner : the controller, the abuser, the liar, and  narcissist.  Click here for information and excerpts from the book that explains and explores the intersection of the divorce industry with narcissism

Letter to a Family Law Judge in a Custody Case  Texas again. Houston this time.

Ann Lightens Up and Brings You A Humorous Look at  Divorcing a Narcissist

I'm now in year 6 of the divorce. It's time to put some humor in this divorce.  Jim took our case all the way to the court of appeals. (6th District Court of Appeals, California) The appeals process is this: he is the appellant and writes a brief. I am the respondent and write the Respondent's Brief. Then his side gets to write a Reply Brief. In the following article, I include the Reply Brief. One commentator called it "surreal." So here it is...
An APPEALING Look At My Divorce

 

Learning About Narcissism: Information is Power!
What you don't know can hurt you. Never was this more true than when dealing with a narcissist. Luckily there is a body of literature that addresses this issue. From learning why a narcissist came to be, to learning how to deal with one, to understanding your role in this drama, there is much you can find out. So dig in, explore, and learn what we are dealing with. Click here for:
RECOMMENDED BOOKS   

Evil and Narcissism: Comparing M. Scott Peck and Sam Vaknin's views on narcissism and evil  
 

Divorce and the Narcissist

 DIVORCE: THE REAL TRUTH, THE HIDDEN DANGER
Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism. by Ann Bradley
This is the book you buy before you hire a lawyer or stuck in the middle of an ugly fight.  It's also a book of hope for those in a bad divorce with a difficult partner : the controller, the abuser, the liar, and  narcissist.  Click here for information and excerpts from the book that explains and explores the intersection of the divorce industry with narcissism

Click on the links to learn more about narcissism.

BETRAYAL          NO EMPATHY  LYING             BELITTLING             MANIPULATION

Your Stories: Real Life Narcissism

SEE OUR  BOOK   SECTION!       NARCISSISTS IN THE NEWS

SO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING CRAZY