HOW TO SPOT A NARCISSIST:
Sometimes your intuition is telling you something just isn’t right but you aren’t quite sure what it might be. There are red flags that, once you know them, can be the window to understanding your gut feelings.
Do you find yourself in a relationship that gives you some concern? Are you afraid this person has some “issues” that might cause a lot of trouble? Does your gut tell you something isn’t right? Do some fact checking and answer these questions:
- Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again? How many times do you need to see this before you recognize this as a tactic of an abuser? Once is enough. Two times is too much.
- Is he ‘too good to be true’? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative.
- Does he ask you for money? Does he never take you someplace nice for dinner? Being thrifty is fine, but being pathological about money is not. Watch out for clues such as a someone with a good job that never spends money. Narcissists do not have a normal relationship with money.
- Does he spend money unwisely? The other pathology surrounding money is that of the show – off. The man with huge roll of bills who is always buying drinks for the bar, but doesn’t know how to save for the house.
- Is he insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel bad!
- Does he have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions.
- Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better?
You have a right to be treated with respect. The narcissist is incapable of doing so. Narcissistic personality disorder is just that – a disorder of the personality. People in these relationships find that over time things get worse, not better. Don’t marry a narcissist. Don’t think you can change one. You can’t.
You can change yourself. More self confidence will lead to less neediness. It’s better to be alone than with an abuser.
Charm is a facade, manipulation will wear you down, and one day you will find dreams have turned into a nightmare if you stay with a toxic partner.
I read the 7 signs and im still not sure.
I am a 35 year old female . This is my 2nd marriage
I came into this marriage with a child + added 3 with
My 2 nd hubby person in question
So i would definitly like to be sure
(Before i run for my
Life) that this is indeed what he suffers from
A little background
1. Yes i thought i was in
Love right away! Yet i have always felt unsettled to the point i could only fall asleep until if i fell asleep before he got to bed
2 he totally suffers from lack or no empathy from our wedding night until today! We had no finances and all the labour type work fell on me always 3 back to back pregnancies. i had a couple episodes where
He screams so loud at the kids id pee myself?
3.he is the angriest person i have ever met! That said my dad has these symptoms as well
4he always apologizes and acts like te sweetest pup
The only symptom he is really missing is the money one!
When he has money he buys
Extravagant gifts for me mainly then thr kids never himself
That was brief as we have been broke 90% of our marriage.
And yes he takes care of all bills abd finances
At every one of our childrens birth he made it about him , he started up with my sister
When i had a miscarriage it was about him
I had to comfort him.
His thoughts are superior then mine our kids and all guessts that enter
Our home. Its embarrassing to say the least
He gets involvef in shady business deals and puts the blame on me
I picked a rental 500 over budget now were broke?wtf
My arguement was if
You handle all the finances then aske to find a place
Under 1500 and i do you cant blame me.
That means you gave me the wrong budget not iade
A mostake, i explained the only
Mistake i make is listening to you becaise you handle the
finances because you think you know better.
I have also always argued that if we have $1 or 1,000,000
We should discuss how that dollar is going to be spent
Where i have a problem is He agrees and what i say makes sense
But he says he sees he has a problem but he doesnt understand it as in why he reacts that way
He kept suggesting we tape our arguements so he can
Right we did and he saw himself with the kids screaming amd how
Scared they were
And he was crying ( he watched it alOne)
I have lost a huge
Sense of myself but i thank g d everyday for
Allowing me to keep my sanity for blessing me with a brain
And education so i know this is
If i could just figure out what to
did i tell you i paid for our honeymoon $6000
And he sat next to 2
Female strangers that laughed at all his jokes
I didnt fond finny and bc they gave him att he
Totally didnt see
Much i was pained that was the first red flag
Thw resort walked up to me a coordinator
Not even a
Guest and kissed my cheek he went haywire??!
I have always been stubborn amd challenged him in every way
Him mad but hes made
Changes too slowly but
Change Signed confused and is there hope
T want to breaky family but the
Witjh him the
More i feel
My sanity slipping away!
you know what, you have children they deserve better ! and so do you. get help and get out !
it doesn’t matter if he’s a narcissist or not. he is toxic and you deserve better. the more you give, the more he takes; it never comes back. that’s enough to recognize that you deserve better, your kids deserve better, and you WILL be better off without him!
The man is dangerous and he will only get worse as time goes on. He will never get better. He will never see you being right in anything. He will never really care what you feel, how you feel, what you need or want. It will never happen. Never ever. Take my word for it. I have been there and did that. I was with mine for almost 40 years and he almost killed me – emotionally, mentally and physically. I loved my husband so very much and would always have been there for him but then he became physically abusive. Get out of there! And don’t let him sweet talk you out of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We must be about the same age. How did you do it? I raised 5 kids and haven’t had an outside job for years. How do you make ends meet? Did he leave or you? I wouldn’t know how to start or where.
Hi – I don’t know what state you live in but spouses have economic rights. Check out the family code for your state – the family is an economic unit, especially in long term marriages. Many lawyer’s websites (family law attorneys) have explanations of finances on their sites. That might be a place to begin your education. Best of everything, Ann
He told me to proceed and file for a separation. Shared with our 9 yr old daughter that I am the one who wants to break the family up. I’m suffering everyday. It has been more than a decade. How do you survived 4?
This all looks very familiar in what you described. Look up Ross Rosenberg’s YouTube Channel – His Videos on Narcissism and Codependency. Also look up BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder often co-morbid with Narcissism). Dont ignore what you are going through any longer. It will not just go away. Get help, you children and you deserve better not abuse. Educate yourself and stop the madness.
You would be better off alone
I need help.
Huni you see the 7 signs but still not sure?! Its called denial been there done that
I have been married for 10 months now and it was the biggest mistake of my life. The man of my dreams turned out to be everything but that. He is controlling, selfish, everything is about him. I don’t matter. We’ve had talks about his ways and all he says is this is normal to me..I reply with making my cry more then you make me happy controlling me never showing affection. I feel so alone. Even when he’s home I’m still alone. I can not do it anymore I filed for divorce 2 months and threw him out and honestly never felt better to be me again……
Ive been married over 30 years and I am finally getting to the point of being done with him. He was physically and verbally abusive in the beginning, now is verbal and he threatens to hit me and laughs when he does. He take most of my pay check because I have to contribute he said. He very selfish although he tells me you have had a good life! Anything that happens at home is always my fault, even when the credit card bill is high, it’s because of my cigarettes! He acts all sweet in front of friends and family too. Also when he talks on the phone at work, his voice is different. He gives me nasty looks and he started to bother me when I sleep too. He bangs on the headboard because I am snoring or nudges me. If I did that to him, he would become enraged. I am so afraid also to leave, fear of being on my own I guess.
girl– in a similar situation.
I don’t have kids with him nut he’s manipulating me with money, I never have a say, he has angry rages, then is totally amazing… but I never know what mood he’s going to be in. his sleep patterns are abnormal and he has no concept of time… and often I don’t get enough sleep (like weeks ad weeks of 5-6hrs) and when I yawn he acts strange and mimics me, it’s like psychological hell. one time he became so verbally abusive and actually made me hate myself… and I drank so much vodka to hurt myself I couldn’t move I don’t know if it was a cry for help or self harm but the ambulance had to come and he was cold and sarcastic during the whole time.
anyway maybe I am too emotional about things but now is a time to really calculate the facts because clearly these people are not the types you can lean on emotionally it rely on, and if uncheked could send their spouses round the bend. I don’t ave advice but seriously wish you luck and hope you cangain strength an look back on it somedy
Do you know how many of us who have children with these jerks would pay good money to be in the situation you are in, as you say you do not have a child with this man LOL? Please leave while you have a chance, if you think it is hard now, it can be almost impossible to break free once a child or children are added to the equation. He is an abuser and a narcissist. It is not our jobs to fix these losers by loving them more than we love ourselves, and trust me, no matter what you do, it will NOT get better, it will only get worse. If you are a single woman with no children and are financially dependent on him now, if you have a child with him, you will be even more so dependent on him. It is not a crime to be poor or have little money, nor should there be any shame attached to it. Whatever he does for you financially will pale in comparison once you break free from him and find a way to do without his financial contribution. Trust me, he is not GIVING you anything, because you are indeed paying your own price to have what he gives you financially. There is always a price to pay the narcisssist and you pay with everything that you are losing of yourself and that is too high of a price to pay for anything in life. I never had money in my pocket when I lived with my ex, that is the way he kept it, but I did have better living conditions but now I would not trade the sense of peace I have in my home since I left and do not live with him anymore. I don’t have to look at his face or hear his immature lunacy on a daily basis and couldn’t be happier. I went back to the home I grew up in, as my parents are deceased and it was empty and it is in poor condition but I could never go back to his reign and rule, NEVER.
You are not too emotional about things, he is just completely void of emotion. I had a very similar situation with too much vodka and a lot of pills a few months ago- and it wasn’t until recently that I realized the cause was the relationship I was in. Throughout our 2-year relationship, I suffered a lot of verbal abuse with him telling me how awful of a person I was, how he hated me, and even one night telling me “to go kill myself.” No matter how calmly I presented my feelings, he would become outraged if I ever implied that he was wrong. He constantly lied to me about everything and degraded me all of the time, constantly ripping apart my schoolwork and denying any of my accomplishments. After huge blow outs he’d always apologize and promise it’d never happen again. Then sooner or later, he’d have another fit of rage that even led to physical abuse one night. He’d drink heavily, say awful things to me and then in the morning claim he didn’t remember saying them. It got to the point where I had no sense of self-worth, I thought I was crazy and unlovable. I eventually started believing the things he would say to me- leading to the vodka and pills. It’s taken a long time for me to realize that this was ABUSE. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I’m having a hard time coping with that fact that he probably never actually loved me but was only using me for his narcissistic supply, but with counseling and some medications and vitamins, I am getting better and healing from my abuse.
I hope you realize that you are NOT overly emotional and that you are worthy of someone capable of empathizing with you. I know your post is a few months old, but it really struck me and reminded me of my situation. I sincerely hope you have found true happiness. Best of luck. <3
Oh my your story is identical to mine, only I would also catch him texting old girlfriends he said he loved them, he missed their person and etc.
I left and he would say I love you so much I have been single for 10 yrs and i am used to that lifestyle they text me, I am going to marry you. Once I was getting fed up and he knew it the abuse started.
He would say go kill yourself, C***, wh****, and every name you could think of. I have 4 degrees and I am working on my 5th. He would threaten to burn my homework and when I confront him and not cry that is when he would hit me and not let me leave. He stated always he wanted to marry me. I said, “Really, why so I can be treated like this?” He would call me needy, jealous, controlling, stupid, etc.
It came on slow. He drinks a lot. In the end we fought; he beat me then sent me text how he is going to have the best sex of his life tonight with an old girlfriend. He did he send a photo of it with the belt I gave him in the photo of her naked because I wouldn’t respond to him. It was always threats of other women when I would not respond to his demands or abuse. Over it he has moved on for now. but as I have read they always resurface. The bummer is we have know each other for 30 yrs and I am pissed off and a smart cookie. I documented everything and even recorded some of the abuse attacks. saved all texts and ect.. He hated that. lmao! He only wanted what I had! he has nothing not even heat, because he is terrible with bills, he even gave up his daughter so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. He rents from his mom’s boyfriend but calls it his house. BS. His lies are complete grandeur. He doesn’t pay rent over half the time, he owes everyone money even me. There is so much more i HAVE endured, but I am trying to focus on me. I feel I have lost my sense of self to allow someone to treat me so bad and I would go back and say sorry!!!! I finally woke up!!!!
GET.AWAY.NOW! Or you will be like me…15 years of marriage, three kids, all the while trying to figure out what was wrong with this man!!!I When I finally found the term “narcissist”, he finally made sense!!! I agree with the other person…since you have no kids, you have NO REASON TO STAY IN THIS ABUSE! He WILL NOT get better! And even if he does(temporarily), he will eventually revert back to his ways. RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!!! Or wait until you have three kids and try to co-parent…pure misery!!!
If you have no kids with him, pls take your exit fast. It has been more than a decade. I’m no longer the person I used to be. Praying for miracle to happen. That’s how pathetic it is. Don’t be like me. Pls leave.
17 years and all of the above, false character aassasinations, changed our company bank address everything, lied to court for non mol orders sent police child social services, yet I’m the only thing my kids ever had, he was never her, and no love at all, I was pure blind! I did love him, thought he loved me, but the more the *no contact works* the more its clear he was a self absorbed ,,,the grass is always greener, always drunk and snarling about everyone, yet s,ile to their faces, I blamed myself for the first three months, but now month six, and with all the mortgage etc by myself 3 kids 4-18years, my weegirl with ADHD SPD, I don’t know what to do without looking like I’m mental?? would judges believe you?? help
Sorry for the troubles in your life. Since he’s done criminal acts, prove them. This is evidence and done in the correct (calm and organized) context, a judge will believe you. If he or she does not, this is a reason to report to judicial conduct inquiry. The drama of his issues needs to be cut down to bite size pieces of evidence and presented that way to your attorney. No drama. Call him a jerk, but don’t go deep into how emotional you are. He has a responsibility financially – your lawyer should understand that and use case law to help you get what is yours. Keep calm – practice with a friend if you need to. Courts do not like drama mamas no matter how much harm has come to you. WE CARE! Always remember that – and we want you to be ok. So be calm, research legal sites, learn your rights, and document evidence. Changing bank address is a good place to start – I’m sure you have many. Best, Ann
Having children isn’t the only reason some women stay with an abusive narcissist. The conventional advice is always “Get out! Leave! Now!” But sometimes that isn’t so easy. Let’s talk about the 800-pound gorilla in the room — money! Or the lack of it. Many older women were marginalized growing up and as a result are unable to support themselves. The idea that they can take the abusive spouse to the cleaners is a myth. It doesn’t always work that way, particularly if the abusive mate doesn’t have much either. These women have no choice but to stay because trading one problem for another (abject poverty) isn’t necessarily an attractive option.
You are so right about the value of having money. Money is power and it can buy time, buy a good attorney, buy hope, buy a future. I was forced to navigate a divorce without it and it was hell. Thankfully I managed and won at trial and then, on appeal. I had to write my own brief on appeal. That is not something I recommend. There were times I didn’t think I would make it. I strongly urge people to save in order to get out. Do it silently, in stealth mode and then when possible, make your exit. TY for reminding all the value of having money.
Isabelle – leave now. As time goes on you will find that you will not have any friends or family left to help you. He is using the kids to control you — or if he hasn’t done that already, he will.
On the other hand, you don;t say anything about what you do or your education… but this guy is a big loser!
it took me 13 yrs to stumble across the word narcissism. i actually had no idea how to pronounce it. as i read more and more…i was stunned, shocked..as tears fell out of my eyes i realized finally what the problem was, and once you (self diagnose) you see it more and more when you observe them. only thing is ….im turning into one. im totally aware that i have picked up those horrific controlling raging habits from the man that controls me. for example, he calls me EVERY DAY.. 4 times a day AT the SAME EXACT time. NOW, if he dont call me at one of those times…I FLIP OUT. im beginning to scare myself. im pretty sure exposed to this for such long periods of time ..would prolly explain why he’s like this himself. thank god im aware. ok anyway…this is my life …in a nutshell of hell
>> met him during the end of my marriage. i had a small child already. he was 3 yrs younger than me. and PERFECT. he watched me sleep, he wrote “i love you ” on masking tape and put strips ALL over my body as i slept. he “showed me” what making love really was. and i was in heaven. i thought i was the luckiest person on the planet, however i felt aweful because my divorce was not final. and i swear in hindsight, my N would practically brainwash me into finalizing the divorce and marrying him. i had soo much guilt that i wound up getting gastro issues. but i said ” this love only happens 1 in a lifetime” so i left my heartbroken hubby and started a PERFECT life wit my N. we got our names tattooed on eachother after only 3 months…(that shoulda been thought out alittle better), but dont forget…this was PERFECT, why wouldnt i . then the talk about wedding. he told me and i remember him saying ” I DONT LIKE TO BE A CENTER OF ATTRACTION” ..so lets elope. awwwww how frikkin romantic i thought. this really is perfect! what a fool i was, looking back..HE WOULD DIE IF HE WASNT CENTER OF ATTRACTION!!!
well..fast forward …2 beautiful children later ..and a purchase of a home 4 hrs from family/friends. IT all changed. i cant pinpoint where that change occured or how. it was a slowww death im sure. sex went to every 3-6months. which only occured when i would attempt to sit and tell him my feelings. cuz ..well, thats what he told me was how to have the perfect marriage. honesty and openess… (LOL). EVERYTIME I TOLD HIM MY FEELINGS….10 minutes later he would be in his N rage, THEN i would cry..then he would say he didnt wanna see my face anymore..then i would cry even more, he would avoid me in the house, tell me to stop with the tears. that begain my jeorney to hell. because this occured SOOO OFTEN, my def. mechanism would begin to kick in ..and i could no longer cry in front of him. i was scared. so i began to do what he did. RAGE. it felt not as sad, and lonely. maybe thats what happened to him. he stopped crying as a child ?? who friggin knows, all i know is ..that has now happened to me. he has abandoned me for soo long. for years…i would lay in bed and cry, wearing my sexiest lingerie. NOTHING..no response. i would cry that i need him, and want him. no response. then, i fell into a deep depression. laying on the couch asking myself..” am i bipolar like he tells me i am” or ” am i nuts”.. well, that depression was the beginning of the end because when i had a nervous breakdown 5 yrs ago, he simpy said ” go see a damn dr” . wouldnt hold me, wouldnt tell me i’d be ok. COLD STONE EMPTY SHELL OF A POS! here i am, cooking …cleaning…raising the children….homework…after school activities… home repairs ( yes thats right, i had to call for a repair) . i was exhausted..i was mommy . i lost who i was. i wasnt beautiful, i wasnt sexy. no one needed me, no one wanted me. i wanted to die. the only reason im still here if for the fact that my soul is not dead yet. i know this is wrong. i know in my heart of hearts im being sexually, emotionally and verbally/physically abused. (sexually abused > baby, its been 3 months and i need you, and i feel insecure, and i wanna be your wife…. is what i would say THEN, once his rage started..he would say this to me …” SEE, this is why i dont F*ck you, because your a b*tch”. huh? WHU? ok, so here i go …apologizing for the umpteenth time for my bipolar behavior)
then …then the real kicker happened. while i was laying in bed for mr perfect to come home from work, he was on the internet searching i guess, for a better bride? oh, because i dont laugh at his jokes anymore. yes, i didnt include in my horror story that ….. he acts like a 10 yr old in the store. putting bras on my childrens head. riding a skateboard thru a toy store. he will wander off , leaving me wit all 3 kids. he will cut people in line…all for the attention that he claimed he hated in the beginning. EVERYONE thinks he’s just the funniest guy, im sooo lucky. im the luckiest…cant you tell??? he can juggle…he juggles everywhere we go. oh and DONT steal any attention from him. like THANKSGIVING…when im gettin praise from my family FOR ONCE…for such a beautful job, and lovely home and great desserts..and thank you for having us…yada yada….HE’s JUGGLING and dropping shit…and breakin stuff in the den for attention…LOL, swear that really happened. bizarre behavior…like a child. a friggin child i marrried. whats for dinner…is that BONE IN CHICKEN?? with this child like face on. the man is broken..and hes breaking me and his kids too. oh ..so back to the internet :: hubby meets girl on internet…girl thinks hubby is coolest, funniest thing on planet…girl gives hubby attention…hubby falls for girl. (19 yr old girl). well, without my knowing hubby goes to NYC to meet girl. and to make a long story short. it was MY FAULT. you dont laugh at me anymore….and this one ” you did something 14 yrs ago, so whats the big deal ” … he saw no reason to apologize that he met another woman. and had a private email address with her. WELL, that was it. i left, took kids. and just like a switch..he was mr. perfect again. lured my ass right back. and it was perfect. JUST LIKE THE BEGINNING. that bastard! my family was floored. i tried to prove to him i was right in my feeling of devastation by putting this scenario on yahoo questions…and got 30 responses that were clearly on my side. i showed him. and i dont even think he read it. i mean, he read it..but didnt feel nothing! NOTHING…
(physical abuse, he smacked me and the instant it happened i grabbed my face and screamed “why did you hit me, and his quick response was ” i didnt hit you , ur a liar” WHAT??? u just hit me i said, and my daughter ran in my room and he said ” mommy is losing it, i didnt hit her” ..meanwhile, my cigarette that he whacked out of my mouth was on the floor burning” ) he actually got me to think ” holy crap did he not hit me” omg i am bipolar. so there i was …not calling my family, no friends..lying in a fetal position crying ..thinking. im broken. maybe i hit my head. maybe my grandma had a gene. maybe i shouldnt be here. he forbid me to get medication, telling me “anti depressents make people unstable and he would fear his life living with me” . all in all….he never cared, he never loved. he never nothing! he feels, lives on people praising him. his sense of humor. my heart is broken and he could care less. why? because he has an empty soul. when i needed him the most, is when i had him the least. (emotional abuse > babe, can we have another baby, please.. maybe that will help our marriage, is what i say..and him” IF YOU DIDNT END THAT PREG. 15 yrs ago, you’d have 4 children” so NO!”) ..ok, kill me why dont you at his point. i am worthless, i am not worthy of love and affection. but my soul is still alive i guess cuz im still here, at my computer, drinkin my coffee, with my children in their rooms, while my N is at work, scheming im sure on how he will break me some more when he gets home. maybe its because i believe in god that im here, see..he doesnt. because he doesnt ..i chose to not go to church with our children, i didnt want to raise them against my N’s Beliefs. boy was i dumb. I BELIEVE IN GOD. i believe in love, and pain. and sorrow, and guilt and all good things. i care about people. i care about their feelings. i cry at ones pain. im crying now.lol…its amazing i didnt passs from dehydration from all the tears ive produced in 15 yrs. so today..i have an appt with a psychotherapist whos goin to help me. help me leave this POS i would have done anything for. IM goin to FIGHT for my home..my children….and my LIFE. god be with me. xoxo AND one thing :: to anyone reading this who has a similar story…u are beautiful, you are worthy…u deserve to know that! ur a miracle in its own right..and you will be tested on just how strong you are. and you are! godspeed
Your story is the same as mine and i too have broken free, lets hope we both have the strength and courage to be who we once were before we met them
I am so sorry for all you all are and have gone through. I can’t believe I am trapped again in a severe situation. He took all my money. Didn’t marry him thank God. He sat around doing porn all day while I worked 14 hour shifts and did nothing. He’s worked here and there. Usually he spends more than he makes. Six months ago a friend and I well I have few anymore that come by….told him he had to get help. He went to the hospital got help. Takes meds. But all it has done is keep him slightly more quiet. He seems to only be kind or text me whatever when he senses I’m leaving. Which I feel bad will leave him pretty homeless. But he abused me badly mostly emotional but also physical as well. I am almost out of cash. My family doesn’t like him but accept what I accept and live far. I’m planning to bail with nearly nothing and the dog and live with the “I told you so” from family. Honesty I feel stupid. I am educated even in this area. What was I thinking!! So mad at myself and trying to be strong. And I’m older than probably most of you. God bless. He tricked all the shrinks. I pray for u all. I lost everything!!! Except my life. Wanna go home. To my family. Gotta sell properties. I sit quietly alone every night. Maybe he knows but he won’t go quietly tried that. Police yes horror mess came w his yelling. Omg ok…my best to you all
Please take a look at codependency. Narcissists need a codependent person to be with to feed their narcissist supply. We have to learn grow and move on from co dependency. My father was a narcissist. I was shaped for this role from a young age that of a codependent. When you run from one relationship with a narcissist its not unusably to end right back with another for that very reason- your background, childhood, how you think feel and treat yourself. The more you educate yourself and replace unhealthy with healthier patterns of living and viewing yourself (self esteem) the less likely you will be in a relationship with a sick person as narcissists are. They will destroy you if you let them. Learn and move on.
I was having flashbacks at what you wrote and my heart goes out to you. I hope, since this post is a few months old, that you have moved forward in your journey to heal from this sick bastard! If you are still on the fence, then I hope you get the strength to run, very fast and get started on that journey! I pray for all of us who are victims of Ns! You pray too and don’t give up another facet of who you really are, including a believer in God! You pray and you get the help you need to get you and your kids to sanity and safety! Best of luck!
I had to stop right here when I read your situation. I have to tell you this because you are living through almost the exact nightmare I finally woke up from after 12 solid years of complete hell I personally call it a 12 year death sentence as when I finally woke up I found myself in a grave, a deep dark cold empty black hole with no light.
I was all of 119 pounds at 6 foot tall working 3 jobs to support the ex- female narc, completely drained of every ounce of my self esteem, self respect, self confidence, individuality, ego, and any and everything else that makes us human beings. I was sucked completely dry I was a walking dead person a puppet, a mirror reflection of the worse creature you could ever imagine. I was not me I was whatever fantasy land ideal image the narc designed me to be.
I divorced the narc 3 years ago and have 2 children from that ex-death sentence. It started out as a friendship that somehow skipped and jumped to a roommate and straight into a relationship with her pregnant all in 30 days time.
My mother introduced me to this narc as I had just came out of a break up from my fiance and was extremely depressed. I was living with my fiance for almost 2 years and we were about to be married. I was crushed I was depressed and was living with my mother. She felt that I should start dating and try to move on to get my mind off of my fiance.
The narc lived across the hall from my mother and worked with my mother at the same job so my mom kept pushing me to date this person and give it a try I had absolutely no interest in this person it was not at all my type and I was not ready at all to date anyone as it had only been a few months since the break up from my fiance.Needless to say I went ahead and found myself in the most horrific inhumane undescribable position in my entire life. This narc managed to manipulate my mother into conning me into dating her to then scam and manipulate me into moving in with it with a convienant con story of her current roomate she was living with moving out on her all of a sudden into then cutting a hole in my condom to get herself pregnant. It wasnt until the papers for marriage were signed that the mask came completely off. You see the narc who once upon a time worked ordered me that it was no longer her responsibility to contribute any support any longer for herself or my child. I found that to be really convienent but decided within myself that hey whatever Ill work I am a father and have a new baby to take care of so the mother can go ahead and take care of the baby. Well this is where the REAL NARC comes out and the entire person you though you knew no longer exists!! I walked in form working 2 jobs dead tired the entire apartment was scummy dirty why my daughter sat in a play pen all day long with a dirty diaper and spoied bottles all over the counters. No dinner cooked no laundry washed, no bath for the baby but the narc was all dressed up and ready to hit the streets on her so -called”GIRlS NIGHT OUT” yes the fake front for all the affairs I would come to find out within the 12 year death sentence. I worked 2 to 3 jobs throughout this 12 years with absolutely nothing to show for 1 penny that I earned. My child wore hand me downs why I wore clothes from the thrift stores why the narc sported all the name brand clothes from the malls. I drove a 1980 beat up piece of shit car that my grandfather gave me why the narc sported a brand new one. My daughter was thrown into daycare in the mornings why I was at work why the narc went back home to get rest for the next night of preying for new victims for her narc supply. As fast as the money came through the door it was long gone on new clothes, jewelry, manicures, and whatever else this scum decided she wanted. The bills were never ever paid I had disconnection notices flying at me left and right from all different bill collectors. There was never any food in the house unless I stold my own money to go and buy it for me and my child. I was evicted out of countless places due to the rent not
being paid. I worked making 38.00 per hour on the chicagoland union and had to pull a pizza delivery man position at night to keep up with the narcs demands for more and more money and material items that this scum wanted.I walked in early from work one day to find the narc in my bed riding the shit out of her new flavor of the day in my bed with my daughter in the next room over. When I confronted this scumbag on the affair I was told I didnt know wtf I was talking about and I had a bad dream. Of coarse the critisizm ignited a narc rage in which case I have the butcher knife scar in my rib cage to this day from. I was kicked in the groin in the middle of deep sleeps after work buy this scum, busted in the head with metal objects, smashed into walls on countless occassions if this scums demands and orders were not immediately carried out. Narcs are extremely physically violent if you do not jump to their commands on the spot. The emotional and mental abuse are on levels uncomprehendable to a normal individual unless you have experienced an abuser with this mental disorder. I was referred to as the slacker, looser, and a**hole amongst endless demeaning and slandering names that would send your head spinning. Projection on the mentally abusive levels that these scumbags kick out will send you to a menatl institution if you do not get out!! I was made to believe that there was something mentally wrong with me when I attempted the first escape from this trash. I was slammed with an immediate restraining order restricting me from my child for 90 days until I seen the judge and he dropped it due to false alligations and lies that the scum thought up to keep me away from my daughter unless I came back to the scumbag. My mother once again talked me into going back to this scum that she is infatuated with as I do believe that my mother suffers from this same disorder. My daughter was placed in the intensive care unit on i.v. lines due to malnutrition and dehydration by this scum trash as a means of further manipulations to get me to come back by using the technique of making me believe that due to my absence the baby got sick. It wasnt until I and my wife now currently watched the movie “The Glass House” that I realized just how sick and twisted these scums really are. They will by all means inflict harm and or pain on their own children if it means they will get some narc supply through sympathy or win their sick game on keeping you under their control. However it does go by all means deeper than this when you do wake up one day and decide to divorce the narc!! This is when you will get the complete full affect of every thing you dealt with that you were blind to all that time in your death sentence. You will get a REALITY check. They will lie, conive, steal, cheat, con, manipulate, project to the highest extremes, RAGE to no end FRAUD like you will never believe a person is actually capable of doing until they ACT out all of their mastered skills and demask themselves in the court system on their own with no help from you right in front of the Judge.These scums are the most talented academy award winning actors/actresses in the world they by all means would definitely win a grammy for their skills in playing out the most damseled in distress victim role in this world. A fake FARAH FAUCETT in “The Burning Bed”. They will manipulate the courts for custody of your children SOLE custody so that they can try to further abuse you through their little objects that they dangle over you head ONLY if you let them. They do not love NOONE or NOTHING!!! That means the children to they only want them for the benefits of further control and abuse to you and of coarse financial gain for themselves why your children wear rags, eat t.v.dinners, and babysit themselves why the narc hops on and off new flavors of the day. They love noone they have no empathy no remorse no conscience!! Your children will be parent alienated and abused just as you were. These scums have no limits, no boundaries they have nothing but a deep dark black hole that needs a constant refill of everyone elses emotions, self identifications, and mental well being. They will destroy you and leave you for dead when you have nothing left for them to feed on. I would much rather come across a sociopath than any one of these scum narcs. A sociopath doesnt care about anyone neither but they also do not care about themselves their only real goal is to con and conive you they will rip you off of items or money not YOU. YOU is everything you are this is what the narc rips and cons you out of.Its a whole lot harder to rebuild your inner self than what it is to make some more money and replace some lost items.The narc will also take all of that to but the sociopath isnt interested in you they just want what they can get and sell and whatever you can do for them. A narc will make you want to die not live no more they empty out all of your self worth and cripple you so you cant get away. They are leaches that just continuosly suck you dry. I remember breaking my leg at work one time and ended up in the hospital for a week the narc came one time only to the hospital. She demanded to know when I was getting my paycheck that she needed money she had none. Not once did the narc ask how my leg felt or what the doctors said about my injury nothing. Only when I would be able to go back to work and when I was getting paid. My daughter does work in the summer helping her aunt pull weeds around the yard and plant flowers. Her aunt gives her money for her work the narc takes it all and takes my daughter to the stores with her why she is spending my daughters money on herself. She has her watch her spend her money on herself that she worked so hard for.I and my wife bought my daughter a new winter coat it was taken back to the store for store credit on my daughters new winter coat to be applied to the narcs new clothes she picked out for herself. My daughter is a teenager she has no friends no hobbies is not alloed to wear any make up or earings in her pierced ears and is ordered to wear her narc mothers clothes that are way to big on her. She is demanded to watch her brother all day and night until the narc decides to roll in. It has been 3 years since my divorce form the narc and I am still in court fighting for my children that are being severly abused by this scumbag. They will falsify court documents, rip you off through public aid legally abuse the shi** out of you as a means of control, torture your children and whatever else that pops in their heads at any given moment. I made it out alive!!!So can you!! You can do it!! I will never stop fighting for my children I love them with all my heart I did not ever love the narc. That is what ultimately woke me up I kept staying for my children I stayed abused for my children I was scared to death of what this scum might do to hurt my children if she won custody. It took me 12 years to wake up and see the light. By you staying in or with an abusive relationship or marriage with an abuser especially if their are children involved you are assisting in the abuse and destruction of your children that you love. It hurts your children tremendously more to allow them to watch you get stabbed, beaten, broken, and smashed. My children come to my new home with I and my wife now and smile and laugh. They are happy to see me happy and to be able to see what a real relationship between 2 people is supposed to be like. Your children only learn what you show them and what they see and hear. I married my first love my fiance I told you about up there in the very beginning. The only woman Ive ever loved in my life. You see I was raised by an abuser I never really knew their was anything different or better I thought that this is the way life was supposed to be. I was a different person in my younger years I fell suceptable to gangs and violence as a teenager as that was all I ever knew and what resulted in me losing the one woman God put inside my heart that I am now married to today. I broke free from a repetative pattern of abuse there is a better life I love my wife with all my heart and she loves me ME who I am not what someone else wants me to be or fantasizes of an Ideal fake image from a script. I finished highschool at 34 years old and finished a complete career change through college I am now a professional driver for one of the biggest companies in the U.S. I went on to have 2 more beautiful children with my wife and we bought our very 1st home together and made it a happy one. My wife is a homemaker and loves taking care of me and our children we are finally both happy. We both come from abusive dysfunctional familes and both held the same positions in them as the “Scapegoats” . We both understand the dynamics of a cruel unhappy life and enjoy making a beautiful one together minus both of our families who do not support our decisions in a happy successful home. Free yourselves from all the negative people and abuse and you will be happy!! There is indeed a light at the end of every tunnel!! Good Luck and God Bless You!! I hope this reaches someone who is living in this nightmare I pray everyday that noone will ever have to experience this complete hell that does exist with a NARC.
It is great to see that you broke free and were able to move on with your life and find love with a new woman, it proves that your ex did not win.
As I am reading this I can totally understand . I have been doing everything financially for this family to keep a roof over our heads . This asshole has a job making at least $35.00 an hour and will not pay one fricking bill. Has cleared his credit and drives a brand new car. In return my kids and I wear clothes from the thrift store while he wears new clothes from the mall. I can ask him not once for him to buy me anything that looks nice on me never !! I can totally understand how it feels to be used to such a degree of bull shit .. I am learning very quickly they he will never change. I wish to God there was a site we could put a picture on a post that says Warning NEVER mess with these assholes !!!
I am speechless! I didn’t know that I am not the only person who has dealt with this hell. I have tried to leave…..he has told me he’s leaving but we ALWAYS get back together. I called him a narcissistic asshole and he totally freaked out! After reading this there is NO DOUBT that is what he is! Now what to do to get the outta this hell we call a marriage before we destroy the other 2 children we have! I only pray God gives me the courage and strength to get out before its too late for my kids.
The courage and strength is in you now. Nourish it with information. Be calm as drama and emotion sabotage strategy. My book is an excellent primer for someone BEFORE they take the first step. Now would be a good time to read it, not after you file. And if you don’t buy it, at least read the sample chapter for free on Kindle or iTunes and see the 10 Rules you need to know before you file – they are really critical…Best to you, Ann
I really love this story . I am in the same situation myself . I have been in a relationship for 7 yrs now with a sick man . I sware I know for a fact I am thinking on a daily basis what the hell is wrong with me . How could I have thought for a minute I deserve the physical abuse and the emotional torture . The feeling like I must have lost my mind to give in to his every need. Then he looks at me like I am the crazy one.
Daily this happens. He works a great job and NEVER does he help pay a bill. Then says I am stupid and worthless to him. He said he will leave when he gets darn good an ready to leave. It makes me sick to my stomach that I have tolerated such inhumane treatment . I am going to fight just like the rest of you ! Fight for my kids! MY RIGHT TO BE A WOMEN OF WORTH !!!
Wow, I just have to chuckle as I read through because it is so similar to my situation. I had ‘heard’ of narcissism and knew it referred to selfishness but not until I googled it about 6 -12 months ago did I have a real concept. Then I ordered the book “The Wizard of Oz and other narcissists” and found IT WAS NOT ME! I AM NOT CRAZY! Now here is something real stupid but typical because I didn’t want the venom hailing down on me…I read it in secret. I put it away where he couldn’t find it and now I can’t find it! lol Doesn’t it just figure. I want to reread it.
I am starting to see a therapist and wanted to share it with her. BTW, when I told my spouse I was going to see a therapist, he said “Good! I think you need drugs and a job.” (I’ve been a stay at home mom for 5 children for the last 35 yrs…home schooled, at home employment, etc) When I came home last week from seeing the therapist and told him I would be going every week, all of a sudden it is a perfect day! I go tomorrow and so far there hasn’t been any abuse this week. WOW! But I know the dam will break sooner or later.
We are church goers and I think maybe that tempers his temper? Anyone else have an idea?
I just don’t know what to do from this point on though…any suggestions out there?
Oh my Goodness!!! Hunny!!! I know this post is super old. I feel you on this. I really had to question my sanity repeatedly because I thought he may be right, even though I know he’s a liar… Horrible… Your story is amazing luveeeeee!!! Please reach out to me if you get this post. I so hope you made it out and got the help you needed!!! If not, your time is NOW! God said so hunny!!!
I read your story. I almost cried. I am so wondering what happened in your life. Did you get away? I wish I could ask you. Xoxo to you:) I hope you are free!
I don’t need to write my story. You have. Thank you for sharing. I have done counseling for almost five years . I recently quit going because she kept telling me that he loved me. He had her fooled. He and my daughter wrote me some nasty texts while I waited in the office for appointment with her. My husband challenged me to show the texts to her. He was soooo sure he was right (and being right is the goal not matter how insane it is,he will be right). She was “shocked” at not just his comments but my daughter’s as well (she is twenty five and is a manager,like her dad). It was then I knew she could not help me further. She just me on my feet. I had attempted suicide a few times and was a tortured soul. She did not know what I meant by that. You do. Thank you again…..for your support in sharing. It means so much.
Thank u so much u have lifted my spirit thank u God
sometimes i wonder ..am i the N? but then i think..no, i feel pain and sorrow. I’m just f’d up ..its ok. i’m a mess, but im normal. i hope
Same here. But let’s share it. It helps us and others
I too went through the same. He was mr perfect soon the name calling started then the hitting back and forth until i thought i was the crazy one
It all started with you need to get a divorce like NOW..in three months he wanted to marry me and move in with me.. He lived in nc i live in ny. I would travel 12 to 13 hours to see this guy and on top of that pay everything (he never had money). I was in the middle of a separation with my hubby and i was so down looking for real love!…. He was mr perfect sooooo perfect I FOUND MY PRINCE!!that came crashing down once he started to ask me for money. He wouldnt answher my calls or just answhered the phone in rage if I asked what is wrong he would say–Well I have no money I f….. hate everyone .. I would break down and send him money right away.. This would change his behaivor he would be happy and now I was the most amazing woman in the world… fast forward … He was like jackel and hide bipolar.. Yelling screaming at me calling me a b*t8ch ,wh*r*e, lesbian everything in the book just because i wouldnt get an apartment and send him money he would just be in rage…sending me emails that said things like die your a b*tch wh*ore you always are and will be your sloppy seconds…fast forward he always went back in being nice and mr perfect and i always ended up thinking it was all my fault i caused this,….He would look through my purse my phone everything ..He would ask how come i never had money .. I ended up paying his child support his phone bills etc… one email even said ………. I ALWAYS KNEW AND HAD THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE A WHORE ..LESBIAN STUPID BITCH .. this went on and on and on … hE WAS MARRIED 3 TIMES BEFORE I SPOKE TO THE EX WIFE AND THEY DIDNT EVEN WANT TO SPEAK HIS NAME… FAST FORWARD … HE WANTED ME TO MOVE IN WITH HIM … I SAID NO I WASNT READY WRONG ANSWHER….. HE FLPPED OUT AND ASLMOST KILLED ME HE HAD ME DOWN ON THE BED SAYING HE WAS GOINT TO SNAP MY NECK LIKE A CHICKEN IF I DIDNT SHUT UP.. HE RAPED ME AND BEAT ME ..HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUGG ABUSSER…
I have been married for 12 years next month and he has been evaluated in 2009 of bipolar 2 after taking a computer test. But he went and the physiatrist just took one look and listened for less than 45 seconds and said “your bipolar 2 and gave a evaluation too quickly, to me but my husband took it for face value.
Now that it’s been nearly 9 years and several signs which I’ve seen many, but the ones that make me wonder is he? Or narc ist or however you spell it, or can he be both. I’ve seen him slap himself and yell and scream for hours and I try to do whatever he ask of me, just to get him to shut up. It’s exhausting to listen for hours and I can’t just stand there and not defend myself and yell back, but I try to go to another room and avoid any more harsh words that I have to hear, and it’s always me that started his mood of his rage.
I beg him to please quit, but also I seen before my eyes about 4 or less years ago, he went on a 3 day constant screaming at me to the point that if I cried he would tell me that he hadn’t done anything wrong and he seems dumb founded by me trembling Bc I don’t know what to do or expect next. On the second day my oldest son stopped by, he answered the door and it was purposely done by him, Bc I seen his quick change. He called me baby and was nice to me and I begged him to be this way and just stop, well inside my gut I knew if he was to leave to go home my husband would do it again. I ask my son to please stay Bc I knew what he would be like if he left. Well my son thought I was being a drama queen and making it up Bc he was fine to his visit and he had to go in 10 mins and he had only been there maybe 25 mins. Well I was hoping to be wrong. But as soon as he walked out the door. He went to the bedroom and came out and began to complain about whatever he wanted to. And it went on for 2 more days. I begged him to please go to bed. He layed down and in 2-3 mins got up and came to livingroom and began to just nit pick for nothing but just to torment me and he I know from what I seen before my eyes, the change of moods it was on purpose and I had to listen. So what I’m getting at is. I do believe he is bipolar and now he is off lithium and had been for 2 months now. We just got back together after a 4 month run that I left while he was put into a mental hospital that I begged him to go, it was my escape plan. Well now we are doing ok. But he goes on out burst here and there, actually last night for 6 hrs of talking to himself outside so he can vent. Well I don’t want the apts neighbors to hear him Bc we just moved in. 3 weeks now . It starts with poor him and what I don’t do for him it’s me that yelled first and he always says ” I was just being good and I began to start on him” it can be like. Me asking him to keep an eye on the dinner cooking for a sec. Then he will and then out of no where I was hateful to him. Please someone help me figure out this man. I want to understand what I need to do
Oh my god I’m so sorry u had to go thru that. I cant stop crying hearing some of these stories.
I have 16 emails if anyone is interested in them just email me trust me they will help any one in this situation realize to leave
Please send me your suggestions for how to help 2 young children in abusive family with 2 N parents.Thank you, Joyce
Joyce – There is no surefire list of tips. These kids need as much role-modeling of normal loving adults in their life as they can get. The better they feel about themselves the better they can cope with whatever happens at home. The ability to feel good will be enhanced by being in pro social environments and being given the chance to receive and give love and empathy. Montessori type schools (as an example), nurturing relatives, socialization with kids from normal home environments – all this will help them. Also, if the abuse is really bad, someone might have to take the kids into their home and away from the parents. There is no one perfect answer. There are however things that those who love them and care for them can do. Let them talk. Let them know they are ok, let them know their parents love them but may not always show it. (an understatement I know.) Best, Ann
Please send me your email. I’m going thru this.
Email me I wouldlike to see plz. Nefffy92@gmail.com
i think my husband is Narcissistic .he scares me alot and it can be sooo draining ,he keeps on blaming for everything making me feel a bad mum and wife ,when i try to budget for every week to make sure we dont run of money ,he losses it i try to talk to him i am just trying to make sure we dont run of money .he yells at me and it scares me among other things ,i love my husband so much ,but i dont know what to do anymore no matter i say or do he gets angry with me i dont want to sound selfish . do i talk to him about it or do i just walk away from him i dont know what to do anymore i am sooooooooooo drained from it.i am just to scared to do anything without setting him off.i just dont know what to do. all i know i cant handle it anymore
Please don’t live in fear. You need to think about your life, your health and happiness. You are as valuable a person as anyone else. If your spouse is a narcissist, begin to think about leaving. Don’t do it suddenly, don’t tell him, but begin to read, learn, and think what a happy future might look like. Why do you love someone who treats you badly? If he treats you badly do you think you don’t deserve to be treated nicely? But, no rash decisions, especially if you fear him. Male plans only inside your head, and think about how you might design a new life. If you can’t handle this any more, begin to plan for a life you do want. One that you can handle. But plan, plan, plan….don’t enrage him until you have a plan in place and money to make it happen. But don’t wait forever also. Fine line to walk, but others have done it and so can you.
Reading these stories and how closely similar they are to mine, I just question how in the world does this begin, where do these jerks come from? I’m sure they don’t suddenly become this way once they become adults and start dating, I’m sure they exhibit signs of this behavior in their childhood homes. I have not researched the how and the why people are narcissists, because my focus is on me and how to get my ex COMPLETELY out of my life. I could care less why he is the way he is, I would never be able to tell him there is something abnormal about him and his behavior anyway, so why bother putting my energy into trying to figure him out, but all of this does make me wonder about this on a social level. I always think all cats are alike and I think this way about narcissist as well now.
NPD people come from a childhood of being praised for nothing and of too much praise and or abuse. My ex is the only child and a man from hell! He abused me, but I did not sit around for years like others, I took the kids and I left!! He cheated on me no telling how many times and he still wants to cheat more while married. Everything is my fault. However, I have messenger to prove otherwise. If you are in an abusive situation, leave!!
It wouldn’t do any good to try to explain his behavior and telling them they are Narcissistic just makes them all the more angry. They have what’s called an attachment dysfunction. Usually occurring during childhood, a Narcissist will create a “false persona” of themselves that is protected from whatever abandonment or disassociation they experienced and grow into that person who is shielded and “indestructible”. They have many different characteristics and degrees of narcissism, but the main ingredient is an inability to empathize or associate themselves with others’ deep feelings for fear of their own emotional scars resurfacing. Most Narcissists refrain from digging too deep into their own psyche and will distract you or charm you out of doing it as well. They may something like that, “I know I’m messed up. Or I know I contradict myself”, without really saying it. Most emotions are surface level emotions. Anything that they can physically touch or easily feel. Cheating is common, as well as attachments to material things like cars or boats. And of course, themselves. They will also show disgust or criticism for people who aren’t as “fit” or healthy as they claim to be thereby making themselves feel better about the emotional scars that they try to hide. They can also become addicts, whether its alcohol, money, sex, drugs, lust, their job. Unfortunately, you just have to distance yourself from them and remind yourself that the are deceived, but it’s not your responsibility to carry them.
That’s the closest explanation I’ve ever heard about discrimination narcs. It’s all about instant gradification.Their own. And they will eat their own children in order to get it and maintain the facade they live. Abandon and never look back but continue to blame everyone but themselves.
I need help please!! Here is my story: we started dating at 17 and 18. Moved in together when we graduated high school. This is when things got bad. We were young so inflamed it on that. Thinking he would outgrow it. The hitting started bruises all up and down my legs, my arms, my back… When we would go somewhere he would comment make sure your bruises are hid. He would spit in my face. Verbal abuse was unbelievable. I lost my mom at 18. We were dating then the way he was to me at this time still makes me sick. Fighting with me in the parking lot of the hospital (slamming my head into the window) cussing me, getting out and walking to where I had to chase him down… All taking time away from my mom on her last days here. At her funeral he told me to go give my dad a blow job bc I was being too close with my dad bc he was comforting me and I wasn’t being close with him. He would run off and party with his friends and leave me to go to school (college) his excuse he is young!! I would try to leave and then I would get “don’t forget me” and I couldn’t do it. Stupidly I married this guy at 22. With years of this still going on. On our honeymoon I cried the whole time. While he sat up in the hotel room by hisself. I’ve had panic arrack after panic attack bc of him. I am close to his family but none of them know how he really is. And me being me wouldn’t dare tell them bc I can’t do that and make him look bad. We are now going on 10 years together and I feel like I’ve reached my m breaking point. I tried to leave a couple months ago and stayed a couple weeks with my sister he came over and say in the driveway every night and made me come home so we could fix us. When I came back things never changed. He says it’s my fault. Bc I haven’t been laying his clothes out anymore or waking him up like I’m supposed to or cooking. And I’ll admit I’ve slacked off. Bc I’m tired. I want out. But I can’t make myself let go for good. He’s mean to everyone…. McDonald’s workers… People on the road. Etc. he has no heart. A guy I went to high school with has started talking to me on Facebook and I know that it is so wrong to talk to this guy and message him. I know it is. And if I was truly happy I would dare message back but I haven’t been happy in so long. And I’m not messaging back for sexual reasons. I can live without that. My husband had made me feel so unwanted. I can’t tell you the last time he has made me feel attractive. We haven’t had intercourse in months and months. And it’s ok I just wish I was loved by him. I don’t know how to get away. Will God forgive me and understand why if I message and talk to this guy??? He sees how I am treated by my husband. What do I do. Are we not working now bc I’m no longer giving it my all like before??? I can’t talk to him. I’ve tried and tried. I end up crying bc it’s never him and he doesn’t see it like I say. I can’t do it anymore.
You don’t have to struggle alone. The world has helpers and you have begun looking for them. Please begin here: https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en It is the most incredible, empowering story I’ve seem on this topic. The fact you think you have no right to talk to an old friend is a fact that needs addressing. You need to realize you do have that right and thinking it is wrong is a red flag that change needs to happen – begin with that video. Don’t discuss your growth and reframing with him, do this quietly – you don’t want to anger him. Grow in peace. You deserve it. You are worthy. Best, Ann
Oh my word.i just came across this by accident,and i am so glad i did.u have just described my ex in a nutshell.i was recovering from cancer when i met him.he was charming,intelligent,attractive and funny.just what the doctor ordered.NOT! he got drunk every day conned,begged and stole money off me.humiliated me.even telling people i was a prostitute.he was violent and agressive.called me skinny and wrinkley and said he was too good for me.he used to talk about what he’d like to do to other women,including friends of mine.he shagged my sons neighbour when i was in hospital.my son caught him.every time i dumped him he would manipulate his way back into my life.turning up at my friends houses,places he knew i’d be.blaming the drink.saying he was SORRY.Most ppl think he’s a lovely guy,but my friends and son’s seen through him.my self esteem was so low and i thought i was so ugly i locked myself away from everyone and became a recluse.then a few months ago my health started to improve.i gained a bit of weight and my hair started to grow back.i started to feel stronger.i went to bed one night and he wouldn’t let me sleep.he just stood beside the bed all nite shouting and spitting into my face he kept it up all the next day.i was exhausted and rang the police.when the police came he started crying like a baby.they took him home.he continued to abuse me by txt and calls the next day.i finally answered and said’U R A BULLY.IF U HARASS ME AGAIN I AM RINGING THE POLICE AND GETTING A NON MOLESTATION ORDER OUT ON U.U SCUMBAG.’ i haven’t heard frm him since.his ex had told me he tried to drown her in the bath and i din’t believe her.i thought she was jealous.at first i thought there was something wrong with me.then i realized there was something wrong with him.but he had made me feel so worthless and i had so little self esteem my head was like a melting pot.i am a strong, educated woman,how could this be? Narcissists are master manipulators,who apparently,often go after intelligent,strong women.They see it as a game,more of a challenge,more gratifying.wish i’d got out sooner.GET OUT NOW! You can’t fix or help them.get out before you lose your mind and your soul.
So I guess we all figure out that they are perfect in the beginning. I fell head over heals right away, and three months later we were looking at big beautiful houses. What I didn’t know was I would be financing it?! Although he made 3ok more a year , he had bad credit and spent his money frivolously on alcohol and cars motorcycles. I don’t know why one man would need 3 cars and two motorcycles for himself. Once he realized I couldn’t get a 850k house on my 65k salary, he decided I should just move in his house . I was hesitant, as his 20 something year old daughters told me don’t ( they were only there for three months and they both left. ) they told me he was bipolar and that it ran in the family. That I should run while I could and that he was crazy!! I moved in for a few months, but kept my rental because my gut told me too. Thank God I did. After I got there the abuse began. First mind games, then manipulation, then physical and emotional abuse. I am very confident in myself, so I was an easy target. I thought if I loved him enough he would get better. I would go to the book stores and read up on bipolar disorder , and that made sense until I came across the word narcissist. I was floored. The books i was reading were all about him. I am still attached to him in something we have together but I need to get away from him completely. He makes me feel bad about myself and embarrasses me every chance he gets. He is a very angry evil person, but everyone thinks he’s great . He is seeing someone new, and I have a good mind to warn her, as she seems very nice, and very infatuated by him. His ex before me had warned me, but I didn’t realize she was right until a few months later. Should I say something?? I’m almost over it with him, but it took me a long time to pick myself up after 5 yrs of abuse . I hate to see that happen to anyone else. He has messed up 9 people’s lives that I know of. I hate to see one more?
Wouldn’t it just fall on deaf ears? How would you warn her that would make a difference? It isn’t easy to do so – if at all. Plus you run the chance of looking like a revengeful ex to do so. I think you need to not be the savior here of anyone but yourself which you seem to be doing. While it is kind to want to warn her I am not sure there is any good that will come of it. Best, Ann
I was going to send her an article on narcissistic abuse. She would not know where it came from. I would not mark it. I guess it wouldn’t matter. I just know that I had low self esteem when I started, and when I came up for air in the middle of it, I was in a whole so deep, i was a mess. I hate to know that someone else would ever endure that torture. I still wake in the middle of the night and thnk of him, and when he’s involved with another woman, he always comes back to me when it comes crashing down. One time I didn’t speak to him for 7 months, that is when I found myself again. And when he came back again, he slowly cut me down again. I have trust issues with men now that I may never overcome. I have a big heart( that’s probably what made me an easy target) I hate to see anyone go through this if they didn’t have to. I still find myself trying to make him happy:(
I agree ith Ms. Bradley, I would see this as my opportunity to disengage emotionally and continue to work on myself. I understand that you do not want to see him victimize someone else but just as you know he is propbably in full “peacock” mode right now and she is probably blinded by him as he is in all of his wonderful splendor. Your warning might not go too far with her and I would also think about his possible retaliation against you. I’m sure whatever you as an ex would say he would simple twist it and of course make you look like the scorned woman who wants him back and doesn’t want to see him or her happy. While you would have genuine pure intention to keep her from harm and would be befriending her, he would say you are only pretending like you care, so that you can get close enough to destroy them. I wouldn’t get pulled back into his emotional vortex.
Not all narcissistic abuse comes from men. I think it is sad that we think categorically. I have had my life made a living hell by several women who find great pleasure in victimizing others.
Agreed. No argument from me on that. I’ve dedicated several issues of my newsletter to men who are victims. You might want to see http://www.narcissisticwomen.com/ Best, Ann
I had one of my first relationships with a narcissist. I was 30 years ago. I had to leave my son or die at his hands. My son was told horrible stories about me and seeing him was difficult or impossible. My son has anger issues (wonder why?) I have tried and tried to get him to go to therapy, and explained. He dosen’t believe me an thinks I am crazy. It is impossible to live in the same state as my ex he calls employers, neighbors, friends with lies, threats an bizarre stories.
I am just realizing that my husband of 39 years is a narcisist.He has not spoken to me is three weeks.I just cant seem to get through it and move on..He blames me for money situations..why would i want to live with someone like this? I am afraid to grow old alone.He cant possibly love me if he treats me this way. I work fulltime all of our children are grown but financially i cannot do it alone.i cant reslove anything when he wont speak to me or discuss anything..I feel that i need cou.seling to get through this..my heart aches and he has made me feel like a horrible person.I feel that life isnt worth living anymore and i dont know how to move on.
You are not in an easy situation. His making you feel horrible needs to stop. You can control some of this – let his words bounce off you. Don’t let him control your thoughts about yourself. I think you are right that counseling would help. You might want to find out how others cope, strategies for dealing with your spouse, etc. Your marriage is a very long one – is it possible you two have lost communication skills and your husband is not a narcissist but someone also afraid and maybe feeling not so good about himself and he takes it out on you? I am not minimizing how you feel – my question is, “has it ever been good?” It isn’t easy to end marriages and begin over – it also isn’t good to feel bad. I do strongly suggest interviewing some counselors to see someone who can help you analyze the situation so you get the benefit you need. Not every counselor will be suitable. Take your time. Remember you are of value and life is worth living and you can learn the skills to not allow him to make you feel so bad. Please, do find someone to help. You do deserve it – absolutely and without a doubt.
To confused daily : u filed for divorce yesterday. Your gonna be fine….better than fine! Good job sweetheart! ~ you
I know theres a lot of vexed women here but I am a man thats been 10 years with a narcissistic wife with kids. My oldest step son I finally see is just like her and after truly realizing how completely screwed I am in my upcoming divorce. I almost can’t believe I’m in this but for God’s sakes, I’m not sure any of you can fully understand what its like to be the male victim in this. Its as though I have no voice whatsoever. In anything. You as women raise enough hell about abuse and someone will actually pay you attention. My own mother finds my claims hard to believe regardless of how many 100s of examples I have. How am I going to have a leg to stand up on when I fight for my son. She’s completly used me up. Like a door mat she finds no more use for and just kicked it to the curb. I personally need more male point of view. I really hate it for all of you ladys but to a lot of extent, you do have a self integrated support group.
I think the gender issue is so skewed because within personality disorders males tend to be narcissists, but females trump men in other disorders. But, that aside, when you have a problem, you need a solution. Not being heard is very frustrating. I think actually women would say yes, other women hear what we are saying (so your noticing a built in support group is probably correct) but the courts do not.
I have a newsletter and have several times turned it over to men who wanted a voice because they were victims of narcissistic abuse. (Yep – been accused of being biased before!) One man who wrote his story was a retired M.D. and another was an attorney. I will look for them and post the links to them. Please check back here in a day or so for their stories. I think you will find them enlightening. The other thing you can do is google father’s rights, custody, divorce, and other such words. There are attorneys that specialize in helping dads. I have one of them who follows me on Twitter. You can also find support groups to go to that will assist you in strategy and how to present your case so you are heard. You should be able to find them if you google specifically enough. If you have to use an evaluator for custody there are ways of presenting yourself to be heard. They are on the look-out for certain key phrases and words. You do not want to totally bash your spouse, for example, that makes you look bad. You want to look like you can share, at the same time, express concern for her bad behavior. It’s an art and a skill but it can be learned.
I’ll look for the male point of view stories and post the links. I believe they are still on line. I do think we all care what happens to you because having been through it we know how bad it is. So, speaking for all of us, we want the best for you and your son and your pain to end. Ann
Secretly record and videotape. Use yahoo messenger
im a woman, going through and knowing it does not matter the gender. i didnt have a lawyer. but look online “how to write up your own custody/visitation agreement” put it in writing and bring with you to attorney for the child or bring it to court with you. educate yourself online, remember: “knowledge is power”!!!!
You said you have 16 e-mails that will change anyone’s mind if they are confused about whether or not they want to leave a person with NPD.
Can you please send them to me?
Amy or Shoosh
I’d love to read the 16 poison emails, too. I am in a relationship with a Narcissist and could use some strength to get out. Thanks so much.
Amy or Shoosh,
I am also looking for some strength in leaving my narc / alcoholic husband.
I was married for 13 years. The abuse started very gradually and escalated over time (all verbal/emotional). I’m embarrassed that I stayed for so long. I finally left 3 years ago and now have joint custody of our two children. I struggle with standing up to him still – after all this time and therapy and continue to question myself sometimes after hearing him call with insults -despite knowing better! I’m learning that it takes awhile to break old habits. He just informed me last week that he has taken a job at my school (we are both teachers). Now I will have to deal with him at the work place also. This fills me with more dread than I can express. I’m happy now – I have a lovely house, teach at a great school, have awesome friends, and am in a wonderful, calm, loving relationship with an old friend. My children seem to be doing very well. I don’t understand why he can’t just leave me alone and move on with his life. How do you deal with someone like this at your place of work too?
You are doing so well that there is no reason to believe you can’t transfer that over to this situation also. In fact by continuing to be the calm one, the one who has made a life, and do so in front of him and your peers it may just prove to be his undoing/unmasking in front of others. You were there first – his following you is bound to be noticed as a bit odd. Put on your teflon clothes and let this roll off you. I actually used that as a coping mechanism in my own divorce when my husband would call or show up with abusive things to say to me. I would say to myself, “Don’t react, it’s bouncing off the teflon you put on today.” It got me through and once you get through situation number one, then two, three and four become ever so much easier. Remind yourself how far you’ve come, how many things are now going right. This is your final exam! You can ace it….we are rooting for you! Best, Ann
i am not really sure if my husband is narcistic but something is wrong with our relationship. he is really nice when we don’t argue,but the moment i disagree with him its on.
He ignores me for days/weeks, screams nasty things/names, runs out the house when i want to talk to him, stay out nights, blames me for all his actions, tell other people bad things about me (i heard him on the phone talking to people about me) he says that is my actions and words make him say and do things.
i found out he is talking to other women online, but of course it was my fault because i was busy with my college. he calls me names,threatens me with divorce every month, takes my credit card away. he spends money like crazy but blames me for being not good with money. all those new cars and motorcycles which we can’t afford and argue about. i really felt like it was me, i went to see a therapist. he went to see a therapist, but he never stays longer than 4 weeks with the therapist (he is with his 9th therapist now). he tells me that all his therapists say it is my fault, what i can’t believe,because a therapist can not say that without ever meeting me. i guess it is wrong to think that way but i am kinda happy that he will deploy (military) to afghanistan in few weeks.
Your description of his behaviors sounds somewhat like those of someone with bipolar. Look up bipolar and money, bipolar and rages, bipolar and hypersexuality and also lying, deception and manipulation. Please take into account that he is probably lying to you about what the therapists are saying about you. Often, those with personality disorders will therapist shop until they find someone to agree with them – this lets them off the hook. There are any number of variables involved here. While he is gone, you might want to consider if you really want to stay married to someone who you are glad is gone. This is a good time for you to think about a future without an abuser. Best, Ann
This seems to be gas lighting … I’m still working on recognizing it in my own life.
I’m still coming to terms with the fact I may have gone out with a Narcissist. It hurts to think everything was a lie and he really doesn’t care about me. He was so smart and so charming, and I felt like he got me. Now I just feel like a fool, and yet I hope he is missing me…but I know he does not have the capacity. I will mention, that this man is brillant and an expert manipulator.
Things that come to mind now
1. Said a former gf ended up in the psch ward, because of him. (Seemed a bit proud of it too)
2. Explosive behavior over a friend (girl) wanting to dance with me.
3. Never gave me one gift – ever, no flowers, nothing.
4. Constant need for attention – via text especially, or FB posts
5. Never ever wrong and not shy about bragging about it in a funny way.
6. Silent treatment when he didn’t like a comment I would make.
7. Overwhelming me with stories of woe.
8. Irrational over a political discussion – my opinion was seen as contrary to his and then gave me the silent treatment for days.
9. Charming, funny, very attentive initially.
10 Blaming me for liking him, when he clearly gave signals.
11. His schedule, his agenda always. Never on time, never anything planned.
12. Never wanting to be questionned about anything personal, very private.
13. Bringing up past discussions and using them against me.
14. Mood changes and often and easily offended.
15. Attentive when he needed money. Dismissive when he needed nothing further.
16. Mixed Signals always always always and never owning up to it.
17. Constant need to be liked… and obsessed with those who do not like him.
18. Unable to sustain a steady relationship past 4 months.
19. Wants a relationship only on his terms veils it in “no expectations”. Does not want to be in a position to answer for anything.
20. Aggressive in bed, never passionate or tender.
21. Seldom complimented me, and when it was, it was sexual in nature. Never you look pretty.
22. Reminds often what a giving person he is… usually by reminding me he gave me a ride here or there… I don’t even know who I give rides to, because I don’t consider it that big of a deal. This was always brought up in a argument, “I consider myself a good person, I do this, and that etc…” “You are questioning my integrity.”
23. Extremely gifted at reading people, would even brag about it. And he was.
24. Very manipulative when arguing, making me the bad guy and diverting from the issue.
25. Lies. Lied to me about avoiding me – saying he was busy and everything is fine. Many other little lies too.
26. Extravagant when in a group buying drinks for friends and meals – yet was in bankruptcy and lost his house.
Some of the issues sound as if he may have bi-polar disorder – the money issues, the sexual. In the manic phase there can be hypersexuality, as well as gifting of money. You also mention mood shifts. The personality disordered can be quite narcissistic, but he may or may not have narcissistic personality disorder. It really doesn’t matter because the result of the pathology is the same on those close to him. The critical issue is that he is incapable of being other than the manipulator and for this reason taking it personally is, while completely understandable, not the right position. He only targeted you because you got involved with him, not because of who you are. You’re still wonderful and special and uniquely you. Thanks for sharing this list with us, Ann
Omg!!!! I have been dating a man for 15 months and moved in with him 3 weeks ago. I need to get out quick – he started out being Mr. Wonderful, saying all the right things, and now I see through him and it makes me sick.
Its been a roller coaster ride of emotions, manipulation, lying and cheating. Everything is about him. He says (I love me some me) looks at mirror flexes and says god I’m beautiful look at those guns, baby you are not gonna find another like me, and god I hope not!!
I cook, clean, am faithful, caring, kind. Boy did he see me coming! He keeps his phone locked, talks and maybe even sees his x gf. She sends me horrible emails, like he gave me a ring Friday, he’s still in my bed, I dont need this garbage, he’s like a child, I try to talk to him he shuts down, like there’s something wrong with me.
I had surgery and when the doctor came out to talk to him, he was no where to be found. He was at the gym. I was so upset and told him so – omg he was so mean, I got back to his place so he could take care of me, I cried all way home some of it im sure from medication given, but I was hurt, so we get back to his place, and I said I can’t believe you were not there for doctor, he said just pack your shit n go have your mom take care of you. I’m 2 hours out of surgery, doped up and my mom lives an hr away. really what an asshole, you see I had a breast lift and augmentation I think I stole his thunder, it wasn’t about him, so next day he left went up north, I took care of me, no apology ever for anything, never buys me anything, thinks he’s gods gift, has to be center of attn, he disappears all night, no explanation, ignores my calls, text, everythings mysterious with him, oh and he can’t tell me he loves me, get this because he’s not ready !!! He twist everything, its always my fault, everything is what are you gonna buy me honey, how much money you got saved, his finaces are mess, has nice truck, and a Harley, has to keep up that image, so when he meets the next lady, he cab play the part (fool them) he has great job, but always broke unless its for him. Selfish, self absorbed, he is 45 years old no brad Pitt, and wants to go with his 18 year old son on spring break, but wants his son to go 2 weeks early for college spring break, I can only roll my eyes, can you say grow up. I could go on for hours about the emotional crap, the stupid stuff that comes out of his mouth, but makes me sick, I was fooled, but I hwve to go back to his place this thur, I am not telling him but when he leaves to go somewhere this weekend, or stays out all night, im packing my clothes n belongings n leaving, im taken back my life, this man does not love, or care, or have any feeling he is an empty soul, when he comes home I will be no where around, I am moving an hour away, blocking his number and blocking him from my email, he has said in past he will find me, he knows where work, pffftt I think he has found his next victim and will leave me alone, but if he chooses not to I will hit him where it hurts, his ego.. I will let him know how wonderful im doing, im traveling and met a wonderful man, im very happy and successful, grant it im not dating for awhile or traveling but he don’t need to know that! He wont see the hurt he caused or me sweat, I will stand strong and proud, I will someday find my real, I feel karma is a bitch, im a good person, kind, giving, loving, funny, with a lot going for me, i dont need the bull shit n garbage, im angry people, i believed, i trusted, i thought he was my forever, i was deceived, I am working through it!!! But I am strong, he will take NO more from me, I couldn’t figure out how he couldnt love me, but now I know, you can’t love another, when you dont love you, he’s empty he dont feel, thank you for sharing you your situations, these are not nor is mine a healthy relationship, these are toxic, people will hate you, rate you, shake you and break you, how strong you stand is what makes you!!!! i do 24 hr shifts an hr way i work mon-thur i left his place Sunday for work, i have not text him or called him, normally i would have said hi, i miss you just to be ignored, not no more, n he has not tried to contact me, but the shit is i have to go there after work Thursday ughh! Im sure he ll be gone n stay out all night, its my punishment for who knows what!! But he dont see it coming, i will be gone!!! N that makes me smile, when he walks in n im gone, no arguing nothing, i will smile be pleasant n not play his game!!!
Thank you all for posting your stories. I now don’t feel like I am the crazy one who constantly apologizes for my husbands wrong doings. I have felt unloved, angry, hurt and emotional for sometime now. I am 4 months pregnant and I need to find my strength and regain the self confidence I once had so my 3 year old and my new born in 5 months have a survivng chance at having a peaceful up bring.
I can’t deal with lies and the self absorbed cheater who constantly does things to hurt me and then turns the table so he don’t blame himself but blames me for his wrong doings. Really can’t stand that he turns to his family for pity and I look like the bad person. In their eyes he is perfect – the youngest of 6 siblings so he was the one who was calling and texting other women including his ex. We got into a physical fight and now I hurt him but it’s ok for him to have put his hands on me! I also can relate to the drinking and getting physical with me and when he woke up he didnt remember a thing. I have to believe his behavor is that of a narcissist and leaving pregnant or not is and would be the only option I have! Thanks again if it werent for you posts I think I would of drove myself insane!
I have a husband who has been married 5 times, me being number five.. everything I say is wrong either what I said or how I said it.. he takes no blame in anything he says or does. He will cuss me in front of the neighbors and don’t think it’s bad that he does it.. he will say you just don’t want them to know how you really are or he will say you care what they think, I’m so embarrassed but more so that people would think I married someone who would talk to his wife like that… I really can’t take it anymore… I have little or no respect for him any more. He has been married 4 other times and he calls them names and blames them for cheating on him but he makes people want to run away. I left not long ago and he blew the phone up and I finally came back but it never gets better.. I go to another room and he will apologize and then start again… I’m going crazy living here. I want to move but don’t have the money, but I can’t take all this.. it’s crazy and he can’t see it. He tells me it’s his fault he cusses me.. he says it’s my fault or his yelling and screaming… he will get mad if I don’t take the blame… it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m so sorry you are in this. You aren’t wrong all the time and you know you can’t be. Put on a teflon suit and let his verbal abuse bounce off you. It’s a way to imagine yourself free, to disassociate yourself from the toxic slurs, to remind yourself of the person deep underneath who has nothing to do with someone like this any more. You can get there, take your time. And if you can’t leave then learn how to breathe, take in oxygen, and make a life anyway. You can do it. Best, Ann
After a wonderful six months, he showed his true colours. This is what I kept on hearing from him:
a. that I had a wild past –20 years ago!– or slept with too many men, or had too many relationships (I never told him how many he assumed it all…)
b. nit-picking over anything I said, implied, didn’t say, should have said
c. there is only one “correct” way to do things—HIS
d. why did you say that, you should have said it like this, done this done that instead, spoken, not spoken etc. he would get angry when he realised I would not be his marionette
e. irrational outbreaks over nothing—esp. when I would say something he hadn’t though of, had a good point, or said something intelligent—because anything that didn’t make him feel superior, made him feel inferior…
f. he said that he actually was “tolerant” of me, he “looked the other way” when it came to certain ” differences” , I had, especially since they were minor!
g. ogling women in front of me, especially college age (we are both 47 years old, all his friends think i am 10 years younger than him due to my looks)
h. telling me that his ideal woman is a housewife who only deals with domestic chores and whose horizons are limited to her house, spouse and children..(I have my own business, a career–as well as two children from a previous marriage, a wide circle of friends, and a hobby i love)
I was horrified. Couldn’t believe how he had faked being a different person so well before either. There were hints that something was not quite right. Before but I put it down to job difficulties and a period of unemployment, his father’s death etc. To a difficult phase he was going through.
I decided to cut it off. After breaking up he tried again and again to get me back. So I returned, and he was worse than ever. Then I knew I had to break up again with him but worried about being able to get rid of him.
This is what worked: rather than accusing him of anything. or saying anything nasty—I wrote a very sentimental letter to him, to the person I initially thought he was.
I wrote in detail about all the things he had done (points a to h I referred to above) and asked him, innocently, why? are you like that, why have you done this and that? are you insecure? threatened by anyone not like you in any remote way? etc. etc. why do you feel like this? Of course each question I asked showed that I understood a lot about him.
Then I said, never mind, it doesn’t really matter “why” all this happened—clearly you want/need something else, someone else in your life. I am sure if you had that person, you wouldn’t be like this. I am sorry I am not that person, I wish I was, but I am just not.
I wish you luck in finding the person you want to spend your life with, who can be all the things you want them to be, at the moment you want, exactly how you want, when you want it etc.
These may sound like nothing, but it worked like a charm. Granted he was not as extreme or violent as many narcissists are. But he disappeared for good (Over a year now at least), whereas before after every fight and break up he was so persistent in coming back or trying to get me back.
I think that:
a. He felt exposed—as I recalled in detail all the crazy stuff he has done and said, which he claims to never remember. Seeing it on the page like that showed him that he can’t fool me anymore. And I think he realises that I will tell other people what he is like, now that I have figured him out in detail. He is obsessed with what other people think of him.
b. He couldn’t counter-attack—I complimented him in the email, said what I like about him, all the wonderful things that he “gave” to me emotionally (initially) but that sadly it wouldn’t work out because he was looking for and needed something else, for that special something else which would finally make him happy. I said–you can’t give up on looking for that special person who will make you happy.
He was always itching for a fight—but there was nothing to latch on to to fight about in my final letter.
My letter implied that somehow I wasn’t “worthy” of him—(without me saying it)… that’s exactly what he thinks anyway. So he also couldn’t attack me to make me feel unworthy of his presence—I kind of did for him. Of course, I don’t believe I am, I think he is nuts—this was just my strategy!
So in the end he couldn’t use all the tactics he used on me to belittle me. And he couldn’t dispute the fact that he really DOES want something else/someone else. (Of course what he really wants is just a marionette but that’s his problem).
Something to keep in mind….not that this would work on everyone, but worth a shot!
Great tactics! Thanks for sharing – it shows just how to use the mindset of the narcissist to your (peaceful) advantage. Best, Ann
My husband is definitely a covert narcissist. He has tried to intimidate me by changing my environment, stealing my iPhone, hacking into my PayPal account, stealing my purse – the list goes on.
I really thought I was alone – who would believe me I am bipolar and his abuse led to me to a hostel which although grim allowed me to heal. At least my stuff wasn’t disappearing and reappearing somewhere unusual. I was put in touch with a counsellor who listened and all came tumbling out. I read up as much as I could, then came across narcissism and my blood turned to ice. I now realize just exactly what I was dealing with.
He pays for little or nothing he just about manages to cover our small mortgage . He obsessed with porn visiting sites that allow him to actually meet up. He takes his phone to the bathroom . He talks about money all the time, he has plans for my money and other members of my family. It’s obvious to me now that’s why he wanted to marry me, I didn’t then I got pregnant. Many years later I finally have proof that its not all in my head. If you are single get as far away from these emotional vampires. They will wring you dry, and go off without a backward glance. I’m getting a divorce Good Luck
I just stumbled upon this website and post after purchasing Ann Bradley’s book Let’s Talk about Narcissism. I see this post has been up for some time, but I couldn’t help noticing the courage and passion in each of the comments as I read them all. I was blown away with the similarities of all of the situations which mirror my own. But what really struck me was that although I can intellectually grasp that I am living with a narcissist, emotionally, it is difficult to admit my story is exactly the same as so many women who have gone through the very same thing. In other words, I have read just about every book I can get my hands on concerning this issue; but it was not until I read all of the stories here that I was really able to see myself as someone who finally has to admit that yes, that does describe my life and my experiences in my own marriage. For some reason my own situation became more real to me when I could see it through someone else’s eyes. I am very grateful that so many of you took the time and had the courage to admit not only to yourselves that it is like this, but to actually type it out and say to others, this is my story. And then I realized that part of being trapped in this is trying to keep it all to yourself and deal with it the best you can by yourself. This is much too difficult and I am leaving this post to say thank you – first to Ann for giving me a place to write this for the first time and to all of you who have inspired me with your comments that communicate your determination to move on with your lives in a much better way.
I am not as far along in this journey as some of you are, but with the help of resources like Ann’s and the encouragement from others, I know I am headed in the right direction. 🙂 Thanks again for sharing your stories.
What gratitude I have to you for taking your time to share with all. It was just last night I had a conversation with my son about the value of sharing stories and speaking and being heard and listened to. To find your words here, echoing our conversation, is very powerful to me.
You just took (and shared with us) a huge leap in your journey and I hope that the understanding you have gained provides a strong infrastructure for you to continue onward and forward. Your words will ripple out to others and make a difference to future readers as others have done for you. We don’t know who we touch, but thank you for the words and the reaching out, and know you have made a difference and changed a trajectory of some unknown future. This is powerful, as are you. Best, Ann
What a difference it makes to hear all your stories and finally have a real place to put all the bad behavior of my N husband. He is exactly like his N Mother who I always felt was so loving until I learned about Narcissism and now know that they are incapable of love.
Since early in our relationship, nearly 7 years now, he has pointed out all my faults and magnified them with his many embellishments. When we met I was weak and insecure so I did seek therapy and worked through a lot of issues I didn’t even know I had from my childhood. I am a stronger, more secure woman because of it. I did make the mistake, however, of sharing my weakenesses with him because I thought he cared.
The physical and verbal abuse continues to get worse and has finally led me to the decision to divorce him. We cannot discuss anything relating to our relationship or money without him redirecting it to ‘what’s wrong with me’, so I suggested we speak to a mediator. (He thinks my 13 year old daughter and I should just leave with no car and no proceeds from the marital home.) So he made an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor. I went and made it very clear that I intended to divorce him. He said he never wanted a divorce even though he had previously stated we “have to get divorced!” The LCSW shifted from trying to help us with our marriage to helping him accept the divorce. He is in complete denial.
He has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and takes medication but also drinks and smokes marijuana. He has gotten back in touch with an old girlfriend who is also an alcholic and drug addict and tries to justify his relationship with her. He got his own cell phone account and insists they are just friends and tells me how undesirable she is but that she is doing the best she can as a single mother and she needs help. When I really needed him to reassure me that I am the only one for him, he chose to defend his “character”. This is just icing on the cake though since I am divorcing him for Abuse, Addiction & a Complete disregard for my feelings.
At 51 it’s scary to think about going out on my own again. But I know that God has bigger plans for my life that do not include abuse of any kind. I love my husband but I value my daughter’s mental health and overall well being as well as my own too much to stay in this toxic marriage. This is not the environment I wish to raise her in and we need to re-establish our sanctuary without him.
Although I have mentioned some of his bad behavior here, I have no desire to bash him. He is in pain suffering from things I cannot cure and is slowly self-destructing. My heart breaks for him because even after 20 years of therapy he’s still just a broken little boy in a man’s body.
Thank you to all who shared your painful experiences so the rest of us could keep or regain our sanity. And thank you Ann for creating the opportunity for us all to do so.
You sound so grounded in how you are handling this very difficult situation. Your daughter will thrive as you move past it and into the life you both so richly deserve. Thank you for sharing with us the depth of the pain and your reasons for leaving and how you are doing so. Bipolar is an especially difficult situation for the family of those afflicted. Your story will help others have the courage to move on and your handling of how you are doing it models a good way to do it. Best to you and daughter on your journey. Ann
I am so sorry to hear what happenned! You sound like a strong lady and I know you will do well for your daughter and yourself. I tell you this problem with narcissists is like an epidemic (because usually people like us find out too late but like many say still have a chance to leave-married, have children in relationships or just hope its not true)!
The constant putdowns, the possessiveness, isolation, telling you what to do, jealousy, constant checking up on your whereabouts, wears you down over the years. Over the years I ended up having one of children ruin the dynamics for the rest of family especially my marriage because of drugs. It placed my husband in denial the whole time which made it harder on us all.
The other children, my parents, and me have tried to talk to him about not enabling but its talking to a wall. He’ll agree 1 day and go back to his ways the next. This cycle has been going on for over 8 years. To top it all off if he needs assistance from me to do for my drug addict child he would not ask- I would be told! Like send money (at jail)or when living at apartment, mail something etc. I would disagree and say no! I would say “can’t you see she is playing you and demanding money”? I would not fall fall for it – then he would put me down and say I don’t care, I’m heartless! Mind you in the past I have helped her alot by bringing her food shopping, purching her necessities, went to see to make sure she was safe (was he there-no)! Over time she proved me wrong- well thats when I had to stop! Sometimes I think this is a trait they see at home when growing up? Ex- my father is my eyes is def. a narcissists who treats all women with no respect especially my mom. I as a daughter have never seen eye to eye with this man sad to say!
i just wanted to reach out to those brave souls who have opened their hearts here to give strength to others. At the moment I am so tired of thinking about him, me, us, that I can’t even bring myself to write about the psychological, mental, emotional and physical abuse he has been dishing out. On some levels, I can’t even muster the energy to hate him; I am sick of having him inside me – on every level. He is an energy vampire, who drains and drains, allowing me just enough space and liberty that I can recover from his anger, rage and abuse only to drain me off again. I have left before, and his sorrys, excuses, tears etc bring me back. But no more! Life has to be more than this. I find it hard to remember that i used to be a vivacious and confident woman, who travelled and worked abroad alone, who taught high school to inner city kids, who was assertive and confident. but I know she is still there. The fact that have left him, despite having only £100 to my name and a bagful of clothes helps me to see that my strength is still there somewhere, even though I feel broken and used.
I am staying with a friend for a few days and then going to try and get into a refuge for women fleeing domestic violence and abuse. My husband enrolled on a Domestic Violence Prevention Program as one of his moves to show me he was sincere in changing and they are helping me to learn about what support I am entitled to.
From my limited experience I would say, please don’t stay caught up in their cycles of violence and kindness. Don’t listen to their praise or their condemnation – it’s about them – not you. I have been trying to plan my escape but cannot do it as I would like, with money in the bank, so am choosing to leave with my soul as my most treasure possession.
At the moment I am struggling with him not having contacted me at all – but I know this is one of his tricks; he bombards me with phone calls normally, so that when he doesn’t contact me, it feels very weird. Just trying to remember the bad, so that I don’t ‘whitewash’ our story with fantasies and dreams. Staying present and sitting in my emotions feels hard but am using tobacco as my only vice and escapism, oh, and some banal tv. Good luck to all those waking up and seeing the writing on the wall. Remember that you’re not a victim, but a survivor. You can leave them; they are stick with themselves for ever. God Bless xx xx
Thank you for writing and sharing. You sound strong and focused and these traits will serve you well as you move forward. Best to you, Ann
I HOPE you don’t mind that I posted this on my FB page.
TO ELIZABETHK WITH 26 ITEMS. DID WE DATE THE SAME GUY? LOL FOUR MONTHS WAS ABOUT ALL I COULD TAKE.
THERE’S NO WAY IN HELL THAT ONLY 1% OF THE POPULATION ARE NARCISSISTS. MORE LIKE 75%.
THEY SAY %75 OF NARCS ARE PROBABLY MEN AND 1% OF TOTAL POPULATION IS NARCISSISTIC.
WHEN I TALK TO WOMEN IT FEELS LIKE AT LEAST 75% MEN IN AMERICA HAVE THE SAME BEHAVIOR.
A LOT OF WOMEN ARE SCREWED UP TOO I GUESS. WHO WOULDN’T BE IN THIS TYPE OF ENVIRONMENT.
AM SO TEMTED TO SAY NOT ALL NARCISSISTS ARE MEN BUT ALL MEN ARE NARCISSISTS. I KNOW THIS ISN’T TRUE AND THAT THERE ARE GREAT MEN OUT THERE.
I JUST HAVEN’T BEEN WITH ANY IN A LONG TIME – MAYBE I’M AN INVERTED NARC.
I am 4 days into my separation from my husband of 31 years. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and learned early on that pleasing others before myself was necessary in order to maintain calm and peace. Fortunately, our family did become involved in a 12-step program, and as a teen I was able to learn more about the adverse affects of being raised in an environment such as that.
I met my husband as I was finishing high school and he was everything I thought I wanted and needed. He was funny, intelligent, goal oriented and wise with his money. So many little things started to crop up early in our relationship that I now see were red flags. I ignored them and thought that this was just the way things happened. What I didn’t realize is that I was the perfect partner for him because my dysfunctional upbringing trained me to accept the veiled insults, threats, and control tactics. I was already in the victim mode and that was my comfort zone.
During our marriage, he didn’t hit me, run around on me, or hang out at bars. And he reminded me about that as if I needed to praise him for not doing those bad things and stop nagging him about his avoidance/refusal to address the glaring issues in our marriage. When we first met, he portrayed his family life as being happy and fun loving. As time progressed, I learned that his mom was an abusive alcoholic and his dad clearly enabled her to continue with this behavior. I asked my husband if he ever thought that growing up in a dysfunctional family could be a contributing factor to our inability to resolve issues in our marriage.
He professed…emphatically…that he had a very happy and healthy childhood and any problems in our marriage were a direct result of the dysfunction that I experienced in my childhood. I insisted on marriage counseling and I went to counseling on my own. He would often remind me that I was the one in counseling so the problems were clearly because of me.
In the past two years I have had my blinders removed. I began to see the inconsistencies with his behaviors. I began to insist on having an active roll in our finances (mainly to ensure that our debt was resolved). I forced myself to speak my true feelings and not be afraid of any resistance or fall prey to manipulative tactics. I read a lot about personality issues and believe that my husband is passive-aggressive. I know that his mother was professionally diagnosed as passive aggressive and I believe that this was a learned behavior for him. In reading more and more about passive-aggressiveness, I have come across much about narcissism. I don’t know if this truly fits him, but I believe he displays traits that could very well fall into that category. The biggest sign for me was when I told him I didn’t know if I loved him any more and his response was, “Well, how do you think that makes me feel?!?!” I thought that at best he would have at least been sad and asked what had happened to bring me to that point. This prompted me to re-examine my time with him and all the things that frustrated me beyond measure. When I explained to him that it had become my daily practice to pray earnestly during my ride to and from work that God would let me die instead of having to live in a marriage that was so unhappy and draining, his response was, “Well, I want to die too.” I understand now that he cannot deal with my feelings and his actions of mirroring what I am feeling is the process of gaining an advantage over me so that the focus will flow to him. My feelings are not important. Well, I didn’t die, and I was able to muster the courage I needed to stand up for myself and make a decision to move on. So, here I am, four days in, and I am questioning my decision. I am totally floored by the flood of emotions that I am experiencing. I believed that the last two years of emotional preparation for this separation was enough. I’d move out and begin life anew. Wrong! I am a crying fool and I am having thoughts that if he would only get help, we could repair the damage and spend another 31 years together. I am afraid of not knowing where I will be in a year. (I guess the one smart thing I did was sign a yearlong lease. So the physical separation will be for at least a year.) I am told that this pain and fear will subside with time and life will begin to look promising. I struggle with labeling him an abuser (he is such a “good guy”) and I know that the label of passive-aggressive and narcissist were not professionally diagnosed, but the fact remains that the marriage was toxic for both of us and this guy simply refuses to take full accountability for his contributions to the breakdown of the marriage. I am reminded by him that I just need to remember the positive things he has done for me and that I should stop focusing on the negative. I need to forgive and move on. Stop living in the past. As I thought about those words, isn’t that the what an abuser does to redirect responsibility on to his/her victim and reassert control over the situation?
I am 3 months out on escaping to another state from a 23 year marriage of narcissist abuse. I was physically ill most of the marriage with shingles, ulcers, gastritis – I truly “left him to live!” As all the stories, he was the storybook man the two years we dated, and suddenly the week after we married he became angry, abusive, very deceptive about things. Hadn’t paid his taxes for years, never opened his mail or bank statements. This was all a total shock, and as I began to confront him about very small common issues he turned into a totally different man than I dated the 2 years prior. To make this brief, he took my family, y friends, my town, pastors and church people, work people, my health, almost my life by being a professional narcissist. For almost 2 decades I didn’t know what was wrong with this man who constantly had to have attention all the time, and kept strife going within us and everyone, who was buying boats, motorcycles, cars, and all the gear to go with these items. When I discovered that he was a chronic liar it scared me. I believed him because he was a Christian and I never questioned his trust until the anger and rages became a way of life. And I too grew up with terrible dysfunction in our family and he would use my past and mirror my words and use them against me. As a Christian woman, I wanted to help this man, but he never would admit he had any problems. I am 57 years old and for the past 3 years I made a plan to leave him because he controlled the finances. When I broke out in shingles that was the wake up call to my escape. I had read many times that it would be better to not tell you were leaving, and by God’s mercy and grace He made a way for me to pack up my car and file for divorce and get a small rental home out of state, all while being very sick and emotionally distraught. My husband was in total shock and is trying very hard to win me back, but by reading all of your stories, this narcissism thing is a horrible way of life and none of us can justify staying not one day longer in this abuse. It is wrong, wrong, wrong, and I want my life back! I have had many surgeries with this man who gave me no care – who was totally checked out while I was doing my own rehab. Who would take long fishing trips in the great lakes and motocross trips all over, and could not take one day off to take care of his wife who took care of his every need for 23 years? This nightmare is over!!!!!
Congratulations on a job of leaving, done well. And your new life! Enjoy! Best, Ann
I’m a guy but living with this guy must have been a nightmare. I had a girlfriend was exactly like that, very manipulative. She kept manipulating her brothers to fighting with me and was steady driving off every friend I had. I kept having health issues with my stomach and her demands only increased. Finally I just put a stop to it. She eventually ruined herself. Just like this child minded ashole. I mean seriously? This is a grown man we’re talking about.
I made a very expensive mistake of my life by getting married to and having kids with a narcissist from hell. He was emotionally, verbally and physically abuse to me. He has always cheated and rubs it in my eyes. I was always walking on eggshells. I kicked him out over a year ago but since we have children together, both under 5, it’s been hard to get complete rid of him. He has been trying to make life hard for me. My kids have special needs so life is hard enough. I dnt need his added stress. He keeps showing up where he knows I will be, like coming to the kids school when I drop them off, sending nasty texts, passing comments. Infact i have now blocked his calls and texts because they leave me emotionally down for weeks. I just need to be rid of this man. He is not paying for his two kids and he doesnt spend time with them like picking one of them up once every 2 months. I just pray the kids have not inherited this disorder from him. Any advice?
Track everything. Make a time line of where he shows up and when. Design this so it highlights his chaos and lack of concern. File a motion for past due child support so it is on the record. Try and think like a lawyer – strategically rather than emotionally. This will protect you. Many, many have done this and so can you! Best, Ann
I’ve wondered if my husband was a narcissist. We meet at a bar, drinking and having fun. I found out I was pregnant and he was excited. But his drinking and having fun didn’t stop.
I was a stay at home mom, and he worked with a couple friends that happened to be female. Before we had gotten together they had slept together. And at work they would talk, share their desires and dreams, laugh. But when he got home, he didn’t want to talk. And if he did he would tell me of some sexual conversation that he had had with these two gals. I would get upset because I didn’t think that was appropriate especially when I wasn’t getting any attention other then sex. I felt like I was the maid, the nanny, that whore. He would tell me nothing was going on or had ever gone on and that I was crazy. I really thought I was.
But I slowly found out that there was more to his story and that my gut had been right. But he always had/has a good excuse or answer – and it’s usually me being too emotional. He plays that card “at least I’m home, not cheating.” He was home but he wasn’t. If he wasn’t talking and flirting with those girls he was looking at porn. We’ve been together for 10 years and I feel like things will never get better.
I also walk on egg shells. I do things behind his back because he either doesn’t think it’s important or that what I want to do is stupid or ridiculous. And when he finds out, he doesn’t let me forget it. Even though he’s done that same damn thing/worse. He goes through these up and down phases of not talking, being grumpy, snapping at me and the kids. But then a happy-go-lucky guy who wants to laugh and talk. But I don’t think he’s funny any more. He uses me as the butt of his jokes and makes fun of me. More than once I’ve been talking with someone, sharing my feelings on a certain topic and he will jump in and totally derail anything I’m trying to say. He says I’m always off the mark with how I feel. He says that I want or like to be the victume. I am a lover not a fighter. I try to love on him, telling him how lucky I am (I don’t do that much any more) and he’ll tell me that he doesn’t need to hear it cause he already knows how great he is. Not that I need constant praise. But I like to hear I love you and that my husband is happy to be with me. I would love for him to take an interest in me and what I like and what I’m about. He doesn’t try unless he has been an ass. He always tells me that actions speak loude than words. But his actions don’t show me that he loves me. I want to get socks and underwear for my kids – but it’s too expensive. But if he want’s something, he gets it.
We walk on egg shells. We have a three story house. The kids and I interact with each other but most of the time when my husbands home he goes in the basement and stays down there hours on end playing video games. He says that he deserves a break because he works so hard. Damn. I work full time too. He does have a part time job but that morning goes toward cigerettes and stuff for him. I feel like a single parent, a single person most of the time. I ask him for help with the kids and he just yells at them and then goes back in the basement.
I’m confused. I took vows to love for better or worse. What do I do? Am I just a baby?
You didn’t take a vow to be abused. That’s not what marriage vows are for and you know that for better or worse means something entirely different than what is being done to you. You are not a baby. You are giving him everything – a home, kids, a pass. He gives you nothing. You sound like you are awakening to the abuse and wondering what to do. It doesn’t sound like he’s either good husband or father material, so I suggest you consider divorce. But do it slowly. Think about it. Calmly imagine a life without him – from finances to a custody battle to a life of peace. I am only suggesting you think about leaving. Get used to the idea and don’t talk about it. To anyone. Don’t give him time to plan and take the money. Just think about it = and what life could be like without all this negativity and abuse. Doormats can grow wings and it’s a wonderful feeling to be happy, proud, and have good people around you. Think about it. You are not to blame. You are a victim. Best to you and the kids. Ann
What do we do in such a situation.. Even thought I am working full-time and earn more than him.
how much therapy do you think one needs when, after 30 years of marriage, they come to the realization that they stayed with the narcissist, in a comfortably-anxious world, because this is the same relationship/type of person they were raised by? (they married the equivalent of their narcissistic parent) The spouse really did not know this is how life should NOT be.
Married for almost 16 years with no children to a man who studies the Bible regularly and was even a preacher. If I give opinions on certain things I get responses like “you’re not my mother”, etc. When he gets mad he bangs things very hard and yells. The anger in him is terrifying. He scares our dog to death. He’s been telling me lately I should just kill myself. He’s gotten so made in traffic he’s gotten out of vehicle and started walking home. But then when things calm down he apologizes and gets super nice. I can’ t take it anymore
Please start planning your exit. Do so quietly and calmly and don’t discuss with him. Take as long as you need, but do it because it gives you hope. He woulds like a classical narcissist but you don’t have to be the victim forever. Take care of you. Best, Ann
I am so glad i found this site. my late ex was exactly all this and more he was taking drugs aswel. i had a child with this man then decided it was time to move on. i didnt want my child to grow up in that enviroment or to learn that this was the way people treat each other. it is difficult bringing up the child alone but at the time it was the best decision i have ever made. if you are in this type of unhealthy relationship you are not living… get out! get help if you need and build yourself up again.
it saddens me to see how many people have experienced this behaviour pattern!
Glad you moved on..!! I am not sure what to DO…!
Wish you every happiness and in upbringing the kid/s.
How do we protect our kids from them? Theyre able to lie so well and male us seem crazy to people. What if they dont hit but its mental and threatening to hit? What if they are negligent and mentally abusive to kids too? Without bruises how do we convince a judge on supervised visits only? Im scared to leave if that means he’ll get shared custody alone with her. And not cause he wants her, no he pawns her off on others but he will use her as a weapon on me. Alrefy threatened to take her if i leave. Help
I understand and so do others. William Eddy is an attorney, a social worker and founder of High Conflict Institute. He wrote a book about how to protect yourself while divorcing a narcissist. Take a look at his site:
The one thing you should not do is become overly dramatic about identifying him as a narcissist. Let others say it. You need to find someone who has dealt with their stealth behaviors and let them be your advocate to the court. Learn your rights. If he threatens you, it is possible to insure that this is documented. You will need help – check out Eddy’s site and also google, “protective mothers”. That’s a term used in divorce for moms like you.
You pointed out some very useful and pertinent points in your article: You especially described the traits of many men of the baby-boomer generation. You know, the hypocrites that are all pro-women’s lib when comes to OTHER women and their own daughters but completely the opposite when it comes to YOU, their wife or girlfriend. These scumbags act like the paragon’s of social and politically correctness in front of guests at a dinner party, then expect you to cook dinner for them at midnight because they’re too drunk to fall asleep. No question men like these are sick shameless criminals. I believe when you meet a narcissitic man, you’re often dealing when a “half-man”, a girly-man, a man with effeminate traits, a closet case. Why? Because many of the traits you described above are unmanly and, quite frankly, MORE common in teenage girls and immature/arrested-development women.
YOU ARE TOTALLY RIGHT: Such men have the personality traits of a psychopathic manipulator, sometimes with gender-identity issues. If you want a chance at a happy marriage stay away from a jerk like this.
However, in fairness to MOST men, it should be pointed out to you that your article also described the personality traits of Gloria Steinem and other scumbag feminists to a TEEE. In particular many of us see the following 2 traits in large number of women on this and the baby-boomer generation:
– Is She insensitive to your needs, often making fun of you? Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel bad! (I mean come-on! We women are the one who specialize in character assassination and verbal backstabbing! Really ever dealt with office-politics; women are the worst, most men are usually clueless on how to abuse someone psychologically (unless the man is a little coward, then they’re really good at back-biting). Kinda sad of you blame men for something we women do even more.)
– Does She have a need to control situations? To control you? While this may feel comforting, it is infantalizing and you are a grown person now who needs to make her own decisions. (Again! Come-on! We women are ones who want to control each other all the time (along with our man, who we want change and mold to what we think is right). No question many men are controlling a-wholes, especially our father’s and grand-dad’s generation, but overall we women are more guilty of this: It’s our main goal in marriage to control the man.)
Does he have a good persona in front of others? Do they think he is “just great”? while you know better? (REALLY? Have you looked in the mirror? Manipulating people and being 2-faced and shallow is part and parcel of female culture, it’s one thing we absolutely crush men in. Because we’re not as strong as them, we rely on guile, subterfuge and our superior social skills to achieve our aims – in a conflict-. Most men are straight shooters – to the point that they come across as social doofusses. The men that are good at this tend to be effeminate cowards. Most men are too inept or lazy and rough to pull off the 2-faced shallow act that we women are so good at (come-on, you can’t deny that we are on guard more around other women then men in social and business settings).
I am in the same situation and all that you have mentioned is TRUE in my case.
He just tries various methods to get money from me.
Briefing about his history: This is just a gist:
married in October 2009. Husband married with the sole intention of plucking out money by various means. emotional blackmail, mental torture, please , beg, borrow, steal etc., by generating Sympathy etc., saying he has lot of debts due to marrying me etc., n made me to spend for all house expenses including house rent, grocery etc., including his bike petrol bill and his daily expenses and credit card bills etc., When reject to pay he used all various methods, plead, fight, beg cry etc., and tries to get money by all means this is continuing since 4+ years and he is the same. Now he is verbally abusing me and my parents and baby at all times causing me mental torture at all times. There is no peace of mind. he tries various means of pulling money from me and sometimes hurting me physically and threatening to kill me and my parents. How can I get justice and redemption from this person and protect my baby’s future as well as mine and my parents.
Now he has got more ways of earning but no change in his character or behavior.
This sounds like criminal behavior.No one, including a spouse has the right to be so abusive. Document and file charges?Go to a domestic violence organization for advice? See a lawyer? Perhaps one of these makes sense for you. Good luck, be brave, plan, and prepare, and know that there is a brighter future if you take proper action. Do it quietly so he doesn’t rage. Best, Ann
Need advice on whether this person sounds like a Narc, Socio, or combination?
He lies constantly and thinks everything is a game or funny. He ruins peoples businesses on purpose, overspends like no tomorrow, has multiple “issues” with women, lies to his wife constantly, abuses positions of power, blames everyone else, pretends to be Christian, takes advantage of everyone, likes to see people miserable, thrives off of others fail or feeling bad. Why do they always blame everyone else? Thanks!
Hi, It is impossible to make a diagnosis via the electrons but he sounds like a narcissist. Or perhaps borderline personality disorder. There is no clear line sometimes with diagnoses and frankly, it doesn’t matter when someone is making others miserable. There might be overlap with sociopathic tendencies. Only a therapist dealing with him in person can make a diagnosis. Meanwhile, “abusive jerk” is understood by all. Best, Ann
Mine takes lots of showers, he takes one of five phones in the restroom to talk to HER…She lives across the street…sometimes I catch him with his shorts down in our room…but he tells me I’m crazy…that he isn’t doing anything. Her name is Anna…..
I hear him say it in his sleep.
I let him think I have no self esteem
I let him think I am clueless
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING
He buys me gifts to keep me busy
As well as animals
The unfair thing here is it’s not just guys. Women do this to guys. They lead them along for years and when the guy steps out of line she threatens with breaking up. So he begs forgiveness. She plays along. She uses sex as a weapon: when he’s a good boy and does everything she wants him to he might get lucky once in a while; when he is not perfect he’s let know that he can go “eff himself”.
I was manipulated into trips. I was manipulated into thousands of dollars worth of “personal grooming”. I was manipulated into “I need to go back to school” and then nothing was done with the new learning.
It’s not all on guys, women do these things too.
I keep thinking; C’mon he can’t be a narcissist, áll people think their exes are narcissists.’
But he is the whole list and the worst of them all. He made me watch sexual violence in movies, so that I could ‘get used to rape and not freak out.’
He picked all the movies with rape and not tell me there was rape in it. He would tell me how I looked like the girl in the movie.
He made it sound like a compliment, but one second later, the girl would be tied down and raped by older men. I’d start hyperventilating and asking him to stop the movie and he’d tell me that it was going to be over soon and that I could just cover my eyes it I felt like I needed to.
He’d also ask me to roleplay in the bedroom and made me wear a schoolgirl outfit. I have been abused as a teenager by my pedophile teacher, so I always told him; ‘Only if you are another student, or a teacher my age.’
He’d agree, but then during the sex, say things like; ‘I am your dirty old teacher and you’re my young innocent victim.’ I can’t describe what it feels like to make love and being called a victim, while he’s trusting and looking you in the eye.
I remember crying about a very vivid colonoscopy-gone-wrong-rape-doctor-story in the corner of the room. He came over, hugged me, apologized for laughing at me when I started tearing up in the first place and he held me untill I calmed down.
At that moment I thought he was the one for me, the way he held me and even ‘covered’ my panty with his hand, as if he protected me. Turns out the only reason he put his hand on my panty, was to wait untill I calmed down completely to make his ‘joke.’ Which was trying to push his fingers trough my panty, as if I was getting the same horror-colonoscopy now. He thought it was funny. I just went numb and couldn’t even cry about it. I don’t even remember what happened after, I just blacked out.
These are only examples from my trauma and how he ‘handled’ it, since they hurt the most to me.
But he did these things all the time, all the 4,5 years we were together and the 8 years we knew each other. I was so relieved when the relationship ended.
I hope everyone listens to Eileen and looks into co-dependency. I did not marry the N, and thankfully, found out he was an N within a year. Even then, I could hardly believe it, but I knew he was a broken man, so broken that he can’t be helped, and doesn’t want help. Please leave these men, if not for yourselves, for your children’s sake. One lady on here said she pees when she hears her husband screaming at her kids so loudly. Imagine how they feel, being little children; they need protection from the monsters, and that can only come by leaving these horrible men, no matter how compelled and drawn to them we are, or, our sons and daughters will be marrying and living with those same monsters, and the cycle will never be broken!
I obviously came across this thread after research, and I know it is a few years old, my problem is still very much relevant today. I am in a ten year relationship with what I believe is a narcissist. I could give a laundry list of examples, but that would take a lifetime, or at least a decade. I had our second child a few years ago and have been virtually unemployed the entire time. There was a period when he was unemployed and I had to finance our entire lives. I never complained, I just did what I had to do for what I thought was our loving family. I did this with the help of the Lord making only about 25,000 a year. Well, after having our daughter I had a few odd end temp jobs but never anything substantial enough to stand on my own. Well around the time I was pregnant he was blessed with a raise on his job making 65,000 a year. But now he tells me he pays for everything and I can leave, or get out. We never do anything together, if we try he finds a way to start an argument with me. He puts me down and criticises everything I do. He always makes me second guess myself. He makes me feel bad all the time although I rarely let him know his words hurt me. I have recently been blessed with another small potatoes odd end job but it’s enough for me so that I am not solely financially dependant on him for my personal needs although he still pays all the bills and financially takes care of the kids. Well now we have run into a snag and he is suggesting to me that I quit my job to go back to school full time. This is something that has always been in the back of my mind, but little comments that he makes have me feeling like he only wants me to quit so that he’s back to controlling 100% of everything. He’s very selfish, unempathetic and stingy and if he does anything for me he wears it into the ground and tells everybody we know about it. And he brings it up to me every chance he gets. He is the meanest person I’ve ever gotten close to and sometimes I don’t understand how a human being so blessed in life could be so unhappy and surly.
A marriage is an economic unit. That’s how the state views it. You have a right to the monies he earns as he does to yours. You have a right to empty the joint checking or savings, as does he. The moment someone files for legal separation or divorce the game changes and each to his/her own as far as income. You may want to began putting away some cash for an emergency exit – meaning if her files for divorce. If you file first there is no advantage unless you are independently wealthy.
Go to your states family code site and to divorce lawyers blogs. You will learn a lot about your rights from there. Don’t be impulsive but it may give you hope to learn that a good strategy and planning may be the path to a better future.
As far as his insults go: put on your teflon clothes, metaphorically speaking, and let them bounce off you. You are so worthy of better treatment, don’t let him get to you. It’s not easy, I know, but it can be done. Best, Ann
I too saved my husband from suicide twice and to this day it is my fault. My fault he felt that way, my fault he did that and he carries none of the burden. I have PTSD from the original rescue and I left, but he seemed to change so stupid me I came back.
After 10 months I entered back into the toxic shit that is my life with him. It only took 3 months for the tables to turn and the “real” him to come out. I am not important, I am not enough and I will never be what he wants. I am trying to regain my strength and sense of self but after 20 years of munipulation and control I am having a very hard time. I have left only to be pulled back in my guilt and abused some more.
At this point I am almost 50, geez I can’t believe that time has gone by so quickly. I feel like I will never be able to “restart” my life but I know in my heart it would be a healthier start alone. He is a good man, but he most certainly lacks empathy, controls, abuses and he sure can put on a show for others to make them think he is amazing. Now I am not saying I am perfect at the bare minimum I am a mess, but I can acknowledge the fact that I am capable of caring of others and at this point I feel like he isn’t. Even my children, who were there for the first suicide attempt, have voiced that they almost wished he would have succeeded, yet when I have left they begged me to stay which is why I am still holding on to a dream or a nightmare actually. I really don’t know how to get away successfully. I am weak and it stinks.
I see my future in you.
This is just a small excerpt of some of the stuff I have recorded my “wonderful” husband saying! This was all on the same evening within 2 hours! It’s mentally draining and leaves me feeling like a failure
It seems to me the more I read about narcissists the more I fear I will be stuck with this man the rest of my life. The more I will have the blood curling fear that my one year old will grow up to believe this is the epitome of manly behavior.
The fact that I will sit here day in and day out wondering if I will ever be good enough even if for just one day, good enough to be noticed, loved, not worry about being the problem. I honestly don’t even know why I’m wasting the possible chance of a beating by writing this. Maybe just maybe I want someone to read it and think “God she’s so pathetic I don’t want to be her so I will run away” I’ve tried god I’ve tried running. I left in April of last year because “I wasn’t ready to be a woman. I wasn’t ready to stand strong for my family.”
I didn’t leave because he physically abused me, almost hurt our then 1 month old and publically shamed me in front of the entire apartment complex as he chased me out of the home with a pistol in one hand and a beer in the other. I did not leave because Xanax makes him a totally different person. I left because I was a piece of shit. I came back because lawyers cost money and without one you look like a complete joke to a judge.
I’ve left three other times and ultimately I end up back here because of that simple reason. Judicial issues are harder to deal with than my abuser. The thought of me doing nothing except trying to save myself from a monster giving a judge the right to dub me unfit because I have no job yet because I have to be on state funded programs yada yada I will be here until my ducks are in a row yet it seems like they never will be. I have been dealing with this abuse for 3 years. I have been called every name under the sun to protect him. I have cut ties with friends and family because he is afraid someone will convince me to leave. I get blamed for our financial struggles tho he is too afraid I will meet someone who treats me better that I can not work.
I have tried my best just to coexist so I don’t have to fight. I stay down stairs out of his way when he is asleep and only wake him when it’s time for work or to feed him. As I’ve mentioned we have a one year old. He is my rock. He is what keeps me going. No exaggeration. There has been many times where I have wanted to give up because honestly that seems like the only effective away to get away from him but I wanted to give up and my son is my only reason for not ending it. I find myself so depressed because I see no way to escape that I write suicice letters all the time just to soothe myself if that makes sense. I have to write down everything I’d miss or do differently in order to see life is worth living. Before him I never felt this way. I never felt as if one day I would be fine and the next I don’t know what to do to keep myself safe. I never needed approval so badly that it was life or death but that’s what it’s come down too. I don’t even think about a future anymore because it doesn’t seem soothing planning a future that I still do the same over and over again.
I disgust myself. He disgust me. He loves me because I am fragile yet I was so strong before I loved him. I drank chicken blood to get sick so he wouldn’t want to touch me. I started getting urinary tract infections so sex would be off the table. That back fired and I had to do anal. So I figured if I got really sick I wouldn’t be needed to care for him and he wouldn’t want me any longer. Turns out I just got deathly ill for a month and was still expected to care for him the baby and his needs all the same so I’ll just continue to deal until I find my escape. Thanks for the reads. Thanks for the support. You help me daily by giving me the knowledge to empower myself. It means the world.
Please find someone to walk this journey with you. There are domestic violence helpers – please keep on looking. There are lawyers who can help even if you have no money. His acts are criminal in nature – ask for stealth police protection. Ask for names of attorneys that can provide emergency services. Try all avenues. You will get rejected and rebuffed – ignore it and keep on going. You are in a living hell and deserve a life. Please, please keep on searching the internet. Keep it from him. Erase your history. Be careful. The journey is not easy but you are worth it. Best, Ann
Yes ma’am that is what I am doing. I search only in private mode. I have been looking for these lawyers you speak of but since there has been no criminal reports made except for the first time of me leaving it is his word against mine and he’s got a way at making me look crazy. He is a charmer. He can make a stranger believe anything he wants. I told my sister I plan to make my run for it soon. I have an old cell phone I hide and record when he gets all raged. I record everything now. I won’t be made a fool of this time. I know my mistakes from the past and what led me back here I won’t allow myself to dance with this devil and him go unharmed again. I am a kind hearted forgiving person who let a monster in I will not let him destroy me. Again thank you for the support. I was so worried when leaving my email I thought you would send a conformation to let me know my post was up. Today was terrifying but my story is out. I applaud what you’re doing. Most women believe it’s not that bad. I stayed in a shelter for abused women for almost a month I was so convinced that my abuse wasn’t that bad because I hadn’t suffered broken bones but when you start swapping stories in group you realize that no matter the extent of your abuse it isn’t fair that you suffered. You did nothing to deserve it. I in no way thought I was the type of girl to stand for it. You know the girl that “swore had that been me I’d beat his ass” type but this was different. I got pregnant the third time we slept together. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was very young and was told chances of me conceiving a child were unlikely. So I was so smitten with the fact I was going to be a mother that I ignored all red flags. I moved in with him after only a month and a half of knowing each other. Not just across town move like the whole uprooted my life and moved 2 hours from all friends and family. I wasn’t allowed to talk on the phone to old friends and update my pregnancy online like most girls. I was to set in a room alone for 9 whole months. While he smoked pot and ran around with friends. If I wanted to spend time I was being annoying. It wasn’t at all like the beginning where we would cuddle and watch tv and be cute together it was like I was the dusty pair of tennis shoes you only wear to clean the garage. I was only there when he wanted me to be if he didn’t I didn’t exist. Now I spend most of my time trying to be unwanted. I don’t want him to touch me. He asks all the time “how much does a man have to jack off before he’s allowed to cheat?” I always respond no one is stopping you from either. I don’t even care. He got another girlfriend during one of the splits and it drove me mad because he was still courting her he was still nice to her now I think I’d be happy to see him with someone new. I’ve reached an all time low and have very little to lose and everything to gain with this transition to an independent single woman but I have to do it before the revolving door turns my son into a monster I hate also. I can’t stomach this. I have faith that God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and apparently I’m a badass I got this.
Try finding sites like this: http://www.legalmatch.com/law-library/article/what-is-emotional-abuse.html
There IS help. People do understand how people like your husband can twist the truth and manipulate others. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Look for the helpers. There are always helpers. Believe that – it is true.
Also, listen to this TED Talk. I think you will like it. I found it powerful and recommend to everyone with an abusive spouse. Abuse of any kind.
Thank you for that I’ve watched it several times today. She gives me hope. Her 3 kids and her Honda mini van. I strive for that normalcy. The simple day in day out sack lunches and family dinners. Family night out. Any night out without chaos. I dream of those days.
I cried earlier because i think of me as a lover and how sweet and passionate I used to be. Do you ever feel normal again? Do you ever learn to trust people again? Or is that part of me long gone? The innocence in me that believed not all people want to harm you that other people still understand compassion. I think it’s gone.
Something she said in that video left me very scared though. The statistics on how many women get killed after they leave. He always says when I start to leave he will kill himself but he loves himself too much. That scares me. It scares me to think instead of just leaving and it be this giant boulder lifted off my back it won’t be that simple. Leaving is only half of the battle. Last time I left he would follow me, ask people about me, write people from my social media accounts and tell them petty things like I have aids and I’m a bad mother. Not to mention how his cut throat military wife hoity toity hot stuff lawyer tore me a new one. How I sold my cell phone to pay for a lawyer that got paid by the narc to blow my case.
I wrote the state bar of Texas and put in a grievance against him and never heard anything back. I felt helpless when they said he could have unsupervised visits. I would rather be here than worry about him hurting my sweet Easton while im not around. I even got a contempt of court for not letting Easton go with him even though I only refused because there were empty beer bottles in the floor board. I was expected to let my offspring ride off with someone who didn’t even understand the severity of getting pulled over with empty bottles and a baby in the car. It’s tiring. I hate that I even let this test my faith like why would my god make me suffer through this but that’s the only constant in the bible is that good hearted Christians suffer that is what a test of faith is. I just didn’t expect to have such a long test. Lol. I think I hear the front door I should go.
I just had to write to say it means the world. It means the world that you take time out of your day to personally write to me. Even if you aren’t Ann Bradley your someone writing through her website or hell even a computer please don’t ever let me know because it is so touching to know I matter. It has been a long time since I felt that.
Hello everyone, I read your signs. I got married in 2011 and after one month he started abusing me physically and after six months he started beating me, not too frequent once a month or two months. Then his family used to come and solve our fights and he used to touch my feet and say sorry. He is happy and fine with me on other days helps in kitchen , buy me expensive things, takes me out for dining and on holidays. but once he gets angry as he is short tempered he start verbal abuse me n my parents and i react on that in anger why are you abusing my parents or me he slap me. i left him two times earlier and went to my home and took me back by saying sorry and took me holidays bought me expensive stuff. in 2014 i left him for one and half month in march but in april he came and said sorry and i came back with him. he took me abroad on holiday but after three four month he started abusing verbally and we had a fight in the month of july because i reacted why are you abusing me and we had a fight because of that and then he ht me too hard and then sorry after three four hours.
I forgot to mention that he actually uses slang in Hindi. then also we continued our relationship then in march 2015 he hit me again and we solved that fight too after few days. but then in april i came to know that he is talking to a girl too much on phone on valentine day he talked to that girl till 3 A.M as i was at my mum place and i had full trust on him. i took out call detail of February and march and saw too much calls on the list. i left him on this note that you are having an affair. when i told my family about it they said we wanted you to leave him in march only when he hit you. affair is just an addition. when i told him that you are having affair he said she was a true friend and I am not going around with her. I was upset with our marriage so i discuss stuff with her. night calls he said not everyday i call her in night so i said yes because i was at home. valentine days, i was not there so you talked till 3 am rest all days you talk in day time
my husband started talking to this girl from the month of january. I told him you started talking to him from 15 January and in two months she got close that you discuss all stuff about our marriage with her.
he even said from 2014 to 2015 I just hit you two times see i have decreased. Now we hav filed for divorce but he keeps on calling me and come to my office talk to me and says you left him just because of affair which i never had. I said i left you for reasons hit, abuse and affair. he said affair i never had hitting you provoked me to hit and abuse when i am angry i keep on saying slangs. Please tell me am i doing right by taking divorce. I still feel for him and remember the good times we spent on holidays. my family says don’t go back but I feel like he can change because he is fine otherwise except hitting and verbal abuse.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by divorcing. You may feel for him but that will pass. You deserve respect and love and you will not get it from an abuser. Hitting and verbal abuse are killers of love and affection. They are not ok. Don’t accept them. From anyone. You are better than this – open the door to a better life by closing this one. YES – you are doing the right thing by leaving. You are taking care of you.
thanks Ann for replying my post. but please answer one more query earlier he used to hit me almost every month but now when i went back in 2014 then till 2015 march he hit me twice and he even mention that see i have decreased. does such kind of people ever change? should i give him another chance
Another chance? So that next time he can do what? Follow through on his threat? The likelihood of his changing is close to zero but I always hate to say it doesn’t exist. But what about you? Can you change? Can you exit a bad situation and make it stick? No one can make decisions for you and I know you are reaching out for help but right now, engage your stronger self and your healthy self and ask, “What would I do if this was a friend of mine?” and then, be your own best friend and make your decision. Best, Ann
Thanks for the reply Ann. I dont know why i feel like giving him another chance. I still feel for him and know I should not. how to take out this feeling because there is no point going back. i dont have a kid but if i ll go back who knows i will get pregnant and if he wont change i ll be spoiling a child future too but i dont know why something within me is stopping me to take final step and i want to get rid of that feeling. please help. we will be doing final sign on 19 feb 2016 that is the day of divorce.
Congratulations, through the power of misandry (a conclusion brought forth by your use of pronouns.) and you’ve successfully convinced every nitwit with an internet connection they’re victims of some man. (As usual, with most sites like this, women are never narcissist or referred to as abusers.) Way to go! I’ll probably be labeled as such for merely having the audacity to talk about the vast, pseudo-intellectual, and vague generalizations made here concerning narcissism. (This disorder has to be diagnosed by a professional by the way, not by people reading articles on the internet because their feels are getting hurt.) How about a bit of realism?
1. “Does he rage and then apologize and promise it will never happen again?” Hey, here in the real world (not your imaginary ideal world) people grow up with other people and under the guidance of even more “other people”. Most of these people are dysfunctional is some way or another…this often leads to people *gasp* losing their cool, having to apologize for it….and it even happening AGAIN! (Lord God the atrocities!) People are imperfect, arguments, dumb behavior, immaturity…all of these things are part of being human. A person who is nice one day is a jerk another day. A person who buys you flowers today is vocally pissed because he or she feels like he or she is doing all the housework and other responsibilities tomorrow. Sorry to say this but apologies are often necessary, blowing up is often necessary, and expressing your humanity in these ways does not make you a narcissist…even if it happens to you 20 times a year. (that’s 345 days where you were being nice, remember that.)
2. “Is he ‘too good to be true’? Is he your soul mate? knight in shining armor? And you know this on the second or third date? Better step back and give this one some time. No one is perfect and often abusers are charming and manipulative.” OR….there is the possibility here that he, like most other men on the second, third, fourth and fifth dates is trying to be impressive, trying to show his best side, trying to woo you and also, in many circumstances, trying to have sex with you. (apologies ladies, but biology is a necessary function of human longevity and trying to impress a woman to have sex with her has been happening….since the dawn of time! Crazy, I know.) Got the suit on? Check. Got the music playing she said she likes? Check. Taking her to the nice place she likes? Check! Telling her what you think she wants to hear? Check, Check and Check!! YOU NARCISSIST! What utter nonsense.
There are other, seemingly valid but pointless generalizations in the first part of this article I could thrash but I’ll move on to the body.
3.”You have a right to be treated with respect.” You know what? Maybe you don’t. Respect is something that people earn from one another for their integrity, their treatment of others and for other reasons that may or may not be worthy. (Depends on who is giving the respect and why they are giving it.) If you are a petty, trash-talking backstabber or someone who sleeps with your friends boyfriends / girlfriends, or if you otherwise behave in self-destructive ways then guess what? You probably don’t deserve respect. YOU (GASP again!) are probably the narcissist and you need help. I can already imagine the “victims” reading this who will grasp onto their sense of feminine entitlement by kicking a perfectly good husband to the curb because she is, herself, a narcissist and she now has a useful weapon (psychology, the state, other things women like to use against men) to use to regain her freedom to be a nasty tramp.
I also have a site on narcissistic women and many newsletter articles by men about the narcissistic women in their lives so you might want to pick this fight with someone else.
Thanks for sharing your opinions. I am sure they will be of interest to the readers. Best, Ann
Dear Ms. Bradley I am headed home then I will be going out of state for a while to start fresh. I finally did it. After all I dealt with throughout these dreadful years he cheated with an escort. I have proof from printing cell phone bills. I have the video recordings of the rage. I have videos of him yelling at our one year old. I have proof of absolutely everything. It almost feels like a win for me finally. I can’t even lie I’m crushed and relieved and nervous and so many emotions are running through me but mostly its hope. And I just wanted to write again to say unlike the man above I believe in the message you send. You do help people. Some may misinterprete your message and over dramatize but it’s never anyone’s place to judge ones struggle especially if the paths never cross except on the Internet. He knows not of what some of these women endure and needent minimize another woman’s progress but to each their own right?! 🙂 well thanks again Ann. Had I not stumbled across this I would still believe I could love the hate out of this man. Like there was still hope in hanging on or something… But after reading and researching I’ve come to the conclusion i was chosen not based on my weaknesses but my truest strength, my heart. I am a fixer. I believed I could fix damaged goods and help him find himself to the point where I got lost but I’m not hopeless. He used me until there was almost nothing left or so I thought. I was content with being miserable based solely on the fact that I believed I was helping him. I was so wrong. He was literally a parasite. He sucked everything out of me until I was nothing more than a live in nanny while he ran around with a mistress and when he wasn’t with her I was waiting on him hand and foot and if I wasn’t I was getting yelled at called lazy, slapped in the face, nose rubbed in spills on the carpet from our sons cups and stuff, the only compliment I have ever received is “you’re always there for me you do more for me than I do for myself it’s like your my mom but I can have sex with you” I’ve had my fair share and can honestly say there’s no turning back from this choice. That was the ultimate betrayal. All in all I’m glad I can move on finally and live my life. Thanks again!
– Truly greatful
Oh how happy I am for you! How happy I can say all here are happy for you. I love how you framed that you were chosen for your strengths not weaknesses – acting from the heart. This is a gift indeed to do this and now you are using it for yourself, healing and loving yourself. But to be able to recognize with such insight and clarity what you have and what has happened and shared it here is a gift to all of us. Thank you. From the heart, Ann
Goodbye Ann. I truly am grateful and to all the women on the fence like I was, don’t lose hope. You are smart, beautiful, loving women who are worthy of the world. It’s absolutely a waste of your precious life only being happy sometimes because your main muse is your greatest downfall but all who wander will eventually find their way. I’ve enjoyed reading and sharing and though Ann is the only one that I’ve spoken to personally I see so many similarities and so many differences in our stories but one main point we were all gravitated to this site for a reason. I support all of you. Genuinely. I hope each and everyone of you women find happiness and find the pathway to self worth again it is marvelous and mysterious but you’re more than worth it. And no matter at the end of the day you choose just know you at least have me rooting for you. Not saying much seeing how when we met I was the crazy chick who drank blood and thought hospitals were better than home because at least nurses say hi before they hurt you. 🙂 God bless ladies! I bid thee well with a smile and a prayer for y’all.
i have been with this guy who is 25 years younger than me ann it was love at first sight. i have always dreamed him to be my soul mate but how can a man be that if he sneaks an hides an never confrounts you of anything,, he buys himself nice gifts all the time an he will feel bad sometimes an get me maybe a lil something he has always been cheep when it came to me.. yet he has tryed to hook with whores an i have caught him an he tryed to deny it even with me catching him he still swears he never touched no one but me, yet all the signs says he is a lyer.he plays this googie 2 shoe act like he is so good, an does nothing. why an am i crazy to love him am i going to be hurt worse.. today i finsd a high dollar coat hid in the closet an he never spends any amount of money on me ever a 20 dollar ring an he acts like hee spent a gold mine an only because i had to take him to the pawn shop for things he needed .. what a joke i am an i no he laughs at me knowing what a fool to love him an he has me where he wants me he thinks he does maybe i should play back what do you think
I feel lucky after reading the stories here because I recently broke my marriage of a month with a narcissist. Initially I was in the impression that he really loves me and I might be taking wrong step. We met on matrimonial site and he was already once divorced 5 years back. Then we continue talking to each other for 6 months. But during this time we had some huge fights and I knew he had this anger problem and jealousy. He was against my job. He once got extremely angry when I was talking to him over the phone and one of my male colleague came to me to say Hi. He even got abusive with me. He was against me traveling alone. But he always used to say sorry and blammed me for the situation. I ignored these things thinking that’s might be because we haven’t met each other personally. He had been very positive that once we start living together everything will be ok between us. Then our wedding got fixed and he came to visit my country. I met him 2 days before my marriage. He stayed in here for 2 weeks and applied for my visa. During this 2 weeks time I got to know him more closely. Very next day to our wedding he asked me for my fb pwd and then after little resistance I gave my pwd to him. As he logged on he found that I had 2 males friend’s request. He got in rage. He threw my laptop and yelled at me. I tried to calm him down. Then after me saying sorry he got a bit relaxed. Then one day again he got mad at me when he saw some chats on skype with male colleagues though it was just professional chat and if I had to hide I wouldn’t have allowed him to read the chat but he behaved very strange. He torn his shirt button and smack his head on wall and threw my mobile. It was really scary the way he was behaving. That was the day when I felt for the first time that I did a big mistake marrying him and I should end this marriage asap. Then we went back to his country after 2 weeks. He then used to ask me to stay at home. I couldn’t go to market. I was not allowed to do any shopping, can’t go to see doctor. If I had to in emergency then I should take his permission first. It was really disturbing for me. I started losing my health. My parents started worrying about me. Then I discussed his behavior with one of my psychiatric doctor he told me about this disorder. My whole family and my friends told me to end this relationship immediately as he hasn’t made much damage to me. And finally I took this step and decided to go for divorce. He tried calling me like 20 times a day. He wrote mails begging me to not do this. He called my family saying sorry but I remained firm with my decision and finally I got rid of that jerk. I wish everyone who wrote here good luck in getting rid of these narcissist assholes. I feel so good after leaving him. Though I’m still single but I’m sure there must be someone far better than him to enter my life and my Allah has better plans for me.
What an amazing story. Absolutely amazing. Congratulations on making the right decision as soon as you realized it was necessary. You will be fine – you are perceptive and smart. Best to you, Ann
Unfortunately most women nowadays are Narcissists.
Fortunately one doesn’t have to take statistics to know that a statement such as yours is emotional not factual and totally untestable. You’d have to test every female alive to get any validity to your statement. For the majority of the population who doesn’t know stat they can do their own testing by looking at their female friends and asking: are more than half narcissists? Best, Ann
Always love yourself & respect yourself enough to know when to leave a dead end relationship. Yes, you absolutely can’t change one. I’m a living example. It has been more than a decade. I’m suffering in silence. It’s getting worse by the year. Leave!
I’ve been given that label by my wife’s son who is a sociopathic manipulater. He lies, manipulates, can’t keep a job,can’t keep a roof over his head, borrows money and never pays it back. He plays the victim, never his fault,makes up stories on the spot,burns bridges,in trouble with the law [going to court soon again] and has a girlfriend just like him. Been doing this for 8 out of 10 years ive been married,has a long criminal record,ive tried to protect my wife from this sick criminal but she falls for it every time,cost her thousands of dollars,her savings are going out the window for this lowlife,now hes just gotten out of jail again,mom bonds him out [1500 dollars] suddenly hes changed so he says,got religion in jail,his sociopahic girlfriend got him arrested again in another state,hes been sent back to stand trail,wife falls for his schemes and argues with me when i tell her hes manipulating her,hes already talking to his sick girlfriend and i alredy know thier going to get her down her and start the whole scam up again,his last girl friend brought him here and dumped him and went back to her home state [10 years of lies and trouble] ive given up trying to help my wife with this problem,let her give all her money to a con man..it wont be me…because i expose his schemes im labled a narcisisst by a sociopath…she being duped for the 100th time and i now longer care…shes an enabler and a fool and others besides myself see it
I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for 9 months now, we have some amazing times together, but as soon as it’s not about him, or something he doesn’t want to be doing he completely flips out, cries shouts screams, blames me for being so horrible and controlling. He made this rule that we couldn’t use social media in our relationship which would attract attention from the opposite sex…friends of mine have posted on my wall and he has told me off and that I need to take it down, and because I wouldn’t he told me he was leaving me and didn’t speak to me for 48 hours. If he starts an argument he will always turn it round on me and say I’m to blame and my argumentative side totally tipped him over the edge and sent him into a rage. He will often blame me for something that I’m not even aware I’ve done and then block me on all for,s of contact, go out for the night and then speak to me the next day like nothing had ever happened. He has walked out on me in a restaurant before, because I didn’t explain correctly what I had been looking at out of the window. I constantly feel like he is trying to control me. Should I get out?! He makes me feel like I can’t be without him in my life. Is he a narcissist? Is it emotional abuse? All my friends say it is, I feel like I don’t know myself anymore.
He is also constantly telling me at I should be paying half of his bills, as we spend our time at his….he refuses to come to mine. He never pays and takes me out for dinner everything is 50/50 or expects me to pay. And he only ever once brought me flowers on Valentine’s Day….he buys them for himself and to make his flat look nice!
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I am in the process of filing for divorce from my highly narcissistic husband, although I am dreading having to tell him and how he will react.
After 23 years I am no longer going to be emotionally and financially abused by this tosspot.
Luckily my kids are late teens/ early 20’s so no custody battle but husband will go mental when he finds out we have to sell the house. Not that he pays for much around here but he thinks the world owes him a living and he uses manipulative tactics to scrounge money off people including his own father – who is now supporting me in my decision to leave.
If you read 10 classic traits of narcissists my husband is 11 of them! He is also a porn/sex addict and has been having various sexual relationships for several years although he thinks I don’t know about hem. He is so arrogant in his own importance that he leaves himself little notes and doesn’t think others will read them… Recently one list he made included condoms and lube and he frequently leaves notes on his laptop case such as ‘move photos and videos’ and ‘update xxxx (insert variety of sex and swingers websites) ‘ . When a neighbour gave me a bag of shoes she was going to throw out he spotted a bright pink pair of stilettos and said he knew someone at work who would like them…. And he took them! Of course dear, it doesn’t look at all wrong or suspicious that a 50+ year old man should give a younger female colleague a pair of pink whore shoes! He must think I was born yesterday.
Anyway, enough of his crap, I’m hoping my solicitor has my papers sorted in next week or so and then I get to turn his world upside down for once. I know he will be a total shit about the divorce it I need to get our for my kids and my own sake.
Nothing is worth staying in these types of relationships .. It’s bad example to the kids and it’s bad life for you. We all must get out and stay out for good.
Sounds like you are making the right decision at the right time. Good for you! I do hope you get all your ducks in order ahead of time so there is little he can do in revenge mode. Make sure you have enough money to be ok – after all, those women don’t come cheap and he’s been spending marital monies on them. Take care of yourself and the kids. Don’t be nasty as you turn his world upside down – not because of him but it will be better for you to do it in a more calm and non drama manner. Then he will look like the fool – the calm one always come across better. Let it be you. Best, Ann
I am doing NC as I cannot take any more of the narcs unstable behaviour. No matter what I achieve a promotion, a job well done, or just a thank you tips him over the edge. I bought myself a little car for going to work and he thinks that I don’t deserve that. Why should I have when he hasn’t? I can’t keep crying all the time because it is making me ill. Now he is texting me continually with I love you when is this going to end? I feel like I am going mad.
I think I have got some problems but either am in denial or am not sure, I am a 35 year old woman and my partner is a 49 year old woman. She has never been diagnosed with anything as of yet but in her family her grandmother was crazy she was told but not sure with exactly what and her cousin on the same side was diagnosed 5150 (crazy) from a young age and was unable to work. They thought her cousin had BPD. Now Myself, I have no proven family history of mental illness although I think I have had BPD from a young age but is not in my nature to lash out at people unless irritable. I have always felt unloved and wanted. A jealous streak comes and goes. In my past relationships 1st marriage there was one time with domestic violence and I left him. The 2nd marriage there wasn’t any domestic violence, and hardly any fighting but from the beginning I cheated on him and also had a substance abuse problem. Through out our entire relationship off and on I cheated and would sneak the drugs behind his back for 7 yrs until he gave me a choice of either drugs or my family, I choose my family. Through out the marriage we had a girlfriend who lived with us for a year. There was also alcohol involved and 2 broken windshields cause of my anger. This would be my first woman to woman partnership without a man. This woman was my next door neighbor to me and knew I was separating from my husband and was not going to be living in the home with him or my kids! The sex at first was awesome and many times in a day. I have been with this woman for 6 years now and our relationship only seems to be getting worse. Now we have been through some things that no one ever should have to go through. I have also cheated on her, we used to do drugs together, we have been homeless together, also I have lost a vehicle and she has lost her house. For a couple years we both didn’t have jobs, and for a year after I got a job she didn’t have one nor did she seem in a big hurry to get one. It wasn’t until I told her you need to get a job and help me or I’m leaving. She did but it’s where I work, same shift I work, same department I work in and I’m one of her supervisors at work. I feel like I am in HELL, we sit in separate rooms and watch TV, we sleep in sperate rooms unless her body is tired of sleeping on a air mattress or couch, we eat in sperate rooms, and the sex has come to a stop. She has been going through menopause for the last 5 years with hot flashes, mood swings, no sex. She also likes to use the reason that I’m always looking cross at her or mad at her and she can’t touch me like that when I’m like that! When we do sleep in the same bed it’s back to back, only if I hold her will there be any holding done. One min she will claim she does nothing wrong and I am all at fault and I need to change things, to crying sobbing telling me she’s sorry it’s all her fault and that I hate her, I hate her so much I don’t want to try anymore! She get jealous and has trouble giving me any time to myself. Right now we are supposed to be on a start over and we had gone to a Oakridge boys concert and was supposed to be a date night. We argue almost everyday and more than once a day. Everything that I say she seems to have to say the opposite or have a different opinion, never can seem to agree even on a common ground( like agree to disagree) even if there’s difference of opinion that’s fine but why does it have to be a argument? I am not a confirmational kind of girl and step away from drama, she seems to feed off of it. I have caught her in lies and stealing. Plus my children have kinda taken a back burner cause I don’t want them around the fighting and arguing we always go through. I am not sure what to do. Please someone help with some advice!!!!
My wife calls me this all the time. I find it offensive and abusive. She controls my life in every aspect of it, she keeps me dependent on her by sabotaging everything I do or can get to go in a positive manner for me. She spy’s on my phone daily. And I only have 4 numbers in it. She stays on top of what I google as well as how long I shower. Sometimes she gets irate over something like scratching my nuts. Yea I’m not aloud to master bait! I have a low self-esteem. I’m 41. And this name I can’t even spell I’m called that daily. I don’t even like the mirror I have major depression. Truth is before I met her I was self caring, had money, success, happiness. I thought I was awesome. I got one for you. Labeling is a form of name calling when its hurtful it is abuse!
The final straw…my narc punched me in the face. No bruising but my neck is hurt. If being punched in the face by a man who claims to love me was not horrifying enough, he denies doing it as if I didn’t see or feel what he did! How sick is that???? He claims he only slapped me…LIKE THAT IS ANY BETTER RIGHT?!! I am so absolutely ashamed that I have allowed myself to be so horribly disrespected for these 5 years! I have lost everything…my home, next everything I own in a storage unit because he took the money I was supposed to use to pay it off, and the worst….the relationship and respect of my adult daughter! God what have I done to deserve any of this?!!! I am such a loving and good-natured person. Why me?
File a police report – criminals always deny a criminal act, they hardly ever cop to the crime. You were assaulted. Get it on file. If you can, get an MD to write up an account of the act. You have nothing to be ashamed about – you have done nothing wrong except being naive and now you aren’t. File a criminal complaint that he defrauded you on finances for stealing storage unit money. Stand up for yourself against him or he will keep on doing it. My very best to you – Ann
You can’t get help if NO ONE BELIEVES YOU OR WILL LISTEN to the truth about the narcissistic person. Even with proof…no one helps!