The narcissist makes a divorce a battleground and you are the enemy.
Male or female, partner, spouse or parent, being the victim of a dysfunctional person is one of life’s most difficult tasks. You are not to blame and there is help. You are not alone. Narcissism is a personality disorder but there is also acquired situational narcissism. A victim can be from an upscale life or not. Abuse strikes everyone.
Divorcing a narcissist
Divorcing a narcissist with a narcissistic personality disorder is probably not more pervasive than before but milder forms of narcissism are more common. The people who exhibit narcissistic traits can be your Facebook poster friend or your spouse and anyone in between. It may be impossible to completely avoid narcissism but you should not subject yourself to the pain of being the continual victim of an abuser.
…and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. — Anais Nin
I really liked your post.Thanks Again. Cool.
I just found your site! Thank you :).
I’ve been divorced for 3 yrs after being married to a narcissist for 31. I’d been with him since I was 16. I was completely in love and co dependent for all those years. He, our daughters and our home was my life. He had always said how wonderful I was and how he loved taking care of me……… I always supported and encouraged him in his world. When I started “finding” myself, after our daughters were on there own and I had helped our youngest with her new twins for the first few years, the verbal abuse and detachment started. Long story short, my love turned into a complete monster. It’s been a nightmare that I haven’t been able to let go of. I lost him, our family, my home and finances. During this time, I did a lot of transformation work but was still paralyzed. I’ve just discovered what happened in discovering narcissism. Devastating and freeing. I’m not crazy. Even my LCSW suggested medication because “something wasn’t “firing” in my brain,” because I stopped working. God.
I also was married to one of these monsters for 31 yrs! I have been away for 3 yrs now and still can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. He ruined my credit and hid all our money from the courts. Cleaned out the bank accounts and got awarded residence in the home and all our marital property except for a few things I demanded. Even his attorney was a narc! The Magistrate never looked at the financial disclosure close enough to see that money had been funneled out and I lost everything I worked my whole life for. Divorce Reform is an essential cause we should all be working towards and I will spend my last breath seeking it! I feel your pain!
Chris, I hear the same story time and again – the devastation is fresh each time. Taking lives through financial abuse in the legal system is a horror. Not only are we hampered by lack of funds but the psychological repercussions can be paralyzing to realize what has been done to us. You have many supporters in your Divorce Reform effort. You go, girl! You are empowered and brave and the type of person I write about in my book when I say divorce can be a gift if we know how to reframe what has been done. Best, Ann
I`m one of the “lucky” ones who got out and under from a narc abuser,I now hear he`s hurting his new GF the way he treated me ,I have pity for her…..
I was married 26 yrs ,and almost all of them were abusive ………….
the divorce was dragged on for almost 2 yrs (the divorce HE originally wanted ) his attorney was also a narc of the highest order………..
Thought it would kill me ,but it didn`t,made me stronger……………..
(((hugs)))) to all of you still caught in limbo hell divorcing someone like my ex ,I keep you in my prayers…….
DON`T GIVE UP ,life without your abuser is beyond beautiful ,and worth pursuing………….
Thanks for letting people know there is life after this kind of divorce. You are so right – and people need to know this.
Thank you Angel for your prayers. I am in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband. You are right, it is a very difficult place to be. I am trying very hard to be strong! Because of your inspirational words, I will not give up. Thanks for sharing!
I too am in the process of divorcing my narcissistic husband. After only one year, we dated for one and a half years, no man could have been more attentive and caring! But by the frist week after the wedding I knew something was wrong – no affection & no caring – he was like a totally diferent man.
For several months I was given the silent treatment much of the time. along with verbal & emotional abuse. The many lies, (he is the perfect person in public though), and can charm any woman. He is so convensing. but,he changed behind closed doors. and they always look like that they are the victim. always needy.. they can’t get enough attention.
My soon-to-be-ex narcissistic husband cries and lies out of every situation. I have never seen a man be able to turn on the waterworks on a dime – especially when confronted with his own lies. He did the dating profiles, dirty talk in chat rooms, pornography – and it was ALWAYS MY FAULT. I ended up apologizing and for what? Catching him? I was so depressed at one point, I didn’t come out of the bedroom for three days. There just didn’t seem any way to communicate with him about how I was feeling without being called the “c” word or screamed at. I finally talked to the “other woman” who informed me they had been physical since one month after we were married. That’s all I needed to hear. I kicked him out but he still tried for two weeks after to lie about her – citing he had a restraining order on her and that she pursued him, blah, blah, blah. How can he stand there and look me in the eye and tell me he loves me? As a “normal” person it is still so hard to grasp the lack of moral fiber. It was his 14-year-old son who mentioned “narcissist” in passing that led me to pursue doing research. He fits every bullet point. Thanks for letting me vent. But I also wanted to ask if the crying is characteristic of a Narc?
If a behavior works, it will be used. Every narcissist is unique in some ways in how they manifest manipulation. Crying isn’t that common but I have seen it before. Obviously he has had success with it so he uses it to his advantage. The fact he can turn it on at will makes it a skill for him to pull out of his bag of emotionally controlling tricks. Best to you on your going forth without him. You have made a wise decision. Ann
Thank you, Ann. I am so happy that I was given the gift to discover what he really is. I met him the night before my best friend died of cancer. I almost feel like because I was showing emotion with a friend of mine at a bar I used to work at that I was easy prey for him right off the bat. He gave me a hug that night and we exchanged phone numbers … I broke up with him after almost a year because he was texting about five different exes at once. I mistakenly thought when we broke up after almost a year last year and that he called me again was because he really loved and missed me, but I found out that his original narcissistic supplier moved away – another ex-girlfriend I suspected he was cheating on me with the whole time we were together then. He proposed on Christmas; I found out I was pregnant in January and miscarried in February which I believe was due to stress. We eloped in March and I just found out three weeks ago that he has been with this other woman since April. He told her I tricked him into marrying me and that I was never pregnant. Wow! She is actually a godsend since she’s the only one who’s ever been honest with me about anything. His 12-year-old daughter and 14-year-old son are wrapped up in his BS – which is sick to me. Having Web sites like this one has helped me deal with everything in a much more rationale way. I thought I really loved him but could not figure out why he would go into rages all the time over the smallest of things along with his other crap of signing up for dating profiles and blaming it on his kids that they did it as a joke. It goes on and on. With the support of my family and friends, I filed for divorce on June 4 – now he is angry because the other woman has left him as well. I pray every day for strength not to respond to his nasty texts that tell me I’m a user and a liar and that I’m such a mean and cruel person. Thank you again for your help!
I, too, am in the process of divorcing my “narcissistic” husband. After 23 years of marriage, he demanded that I must change specifically to meet his needs. If I did not, then he would leave me. I told him that I would not change who I was to meet his needs, he would have to accept me for who I am faults and all. He did not like that answer and he left me. We then went for marital counseling, in the hopes that we could solve this, but all he could do is maintain to the psychologist that I had to change or else. Anyway, he found a new woman and has taken up with her. He flaunts her to his family and our children, yet will not admit to me or in court documents that he does indeed have a paramour. At this time, he threatens to give me the absolute minimum in alimony and child support for our special needs child. All the while, he is constantly accusing me of lying and seeing him only as an “automated teller” His favorite quote to me is “you reap what you sow” His implication is that I must reap bad seed and I should expect bad things to happen to me. I am so tired of the attacks; he is so irrational that it hurts. I am so glad that I found this site. It helps to share my story and feelings with those who understand. I have been trying to read up on this disease and it certainly has shed light on my soon-to-be-ex’s behavior. Now, I feel like I can hold my head up high and believe that I did my best to try and save this marriage and that because of his issues, there is no way that I ,by myself could save it. He is not willing and/or cannot see the problem. Thus, the relationship really is doomed. Thanks all for sharing and allowing me to share too!
Wow! You have described my current husband to a tee! I have just learned about this personality disorder and am floored that there is a method to the madness!
I am not normally the kind of person that would allow themselves to be treated this way and yet it slowly cropped up on me until he had convinced me to be married and pregnant. After our first child was born the real crazy stuff started. Flipping out over the tshirt I wore to a backyard BBQ, accusing me of thinking about ex-boyfriends, having affairs (with the pizza boy…really), called me retarded, bitch, horrible wife, etc. bc I did not get his jeans in the dryer in time for him to wear out drinking with his friends.
If the kids ask to be with me instead of him (he makes them choose) he yells at me for controlling their lives and that it’s all my fault he doesn’t have a good relationship with him. Finally, our 6 year old son spoke up that the reason was “because dad yells”. That to me was sooo telling and heartbreaking. But he can’t even register that, he just yells “no, mom yells, I don’t YELL!” It was bizarre. He still writes this completely as if it never happened. However, just today he says, “all I am to you is an ATM” and the reason he treats me so bad is because I don’t give him the respect he deserves and it is shameful.”
He says “you get what you give”. Then,”too bad, because I love you and I want to make this work but you refuse to listen to me”. I said “if you loved me, I would know, you wouldn’t have to tell me bc it would be obvious in the way you treated me. Also, that you treat the people you LOVE the way you wish to be treated. He looks like he short circuits when I say stuff like that and then he just shakes his head and says”you think you treat me great? well, that’s why you get treated the way you do”. It is so nonsensical to me that finally for exhaustion, I just walk away but the confusion has taken hold by then. Thank goodness I found this site or I would be sinking in his lies again
Chris, I am the mother of four now emancipated children ages 18-26. When I divorced their narcissist disbarred attorney father 17 years ago he too cleared out and transferred all money into trust funds as well as other family member’s bank accounts.He allowed our home ,built through loans provided by my parents to go into foreclosure and he allowed my car to be repossessed. In spite of representation, forensic accountants etc I was left with nothing but the clothes on my back and my children whom he constantly threatened to take. I did receive a court order for child support , 500 /mo per child which he stopped paying after 5.5 years. Long story short my youngest turned 18 last month and the narcissist ex owes me 70k in arrears .He also remarried last year . I am currently suing him for the arrears and after nearly two decades I do believe I am going to win this battle. I cannot reclaim the years he stole and the lost opportunities with my children. The details of the horrors this man has inflicted upon us would make your hair stand on end. No one can even begin to understand what these freaks of nature are capable of. But in no other situation are they more capable of destruction than divorce. Yes , the need for justice to be served and my love for my children has driven me and we will prevail. Don’t give up the fight. These idiots all read from the same script and eventually they all dig their own graves with their righteous ,pompous need to be in control of everyone and everything.
So sorry for the suffering but glad you will finally have justice. They are nightmares. The worst thing you can do is underestimate their depravity and potential for harm.
I am trying to learn all I can now to avoid future damage. I see now that my ex is rewriting history to sour our children and turn them against me. He is a vindictive mess.
The best thing you can do is to disconnect from him. Do not respond at all in any way to any thing not directly involving children you share.
Please consider taking high conflict parenting classes if children are involved.
I can testify to the fact that disengaging from he or she will work. Keep in mind they will insult, mud sling and try to degrade you! Do not acknowledge this at all! Eventually they will move on and find another target. Do spend all your energy and time being a good parent and planning activities and fun things to do with your children. Play cards or games, go on a hike , laugh with them. Never make comments or bring up x in front of the kids. Keep in mind they will keep coming back after you from time to time. Handle in the exact same way each and every time ignore all mud slinging. Only respond to things directly involving the children. Never respond to he or she’s personal attacks.
I really enjoyed reading about all your X husbands. My x would take me in his car and park beside the police dept. and tell me I belong behind bars. I had to do everything or cry because I am a good person and never was in jail. He bite me during sex. He was so controlling with money. I loved him so much. I saved myself for him I was a virgin in high school. How did I fall in love with this man? I have been divorced for 12 years and he lives with a school teacher named Joan in Maryland. She pays for everything I feel so sorry for her. He ask me to kiss him our grandson christian. He did not bring Joan. He says people say what happen to your beautiful wife, he says Joan is use to it now. He is using her and hiding his money works for his best friend. He only has one friend all our 28 years married. He is lucky to have a friend that will hire him. He lost his job after 28 years for stealing from the company. He loves to gamble. why did I marry him???? Thanks for helping me I am very upset with a 3,000. dollar lawyer fee. I can not stop crying. He is taking me back to court to lower my alimony after 12 years divorced. I have a bad heart and do not have medical insurance. thanks for reading about this man I did love or maybe I do not know what LOVE is.
thanks for reading this. My eyes hurt from crying. Have a wonderful night God Bless. Please pray for me.
Thanks please pray for me. He took all 401 stock and refuses to give me half. I have spent around fifty five thousand dollars in court fees. My sons are worried I do not have a pension and he was so jealous he refused for me to work when I was a model and model teacher. One of our sons was born handicapped and he refuses to help him. He hired the best lawyers in New Jersey yet he says he has no money. He works for his one friend in Balto., Md. He lies about his salary fifty thousand a year and he made 0ne hundred twenty six thousand last year. I am hurt from a car accident and I have a bad heart, NO INSURANCE any one that can help please help. I hate my life and often cry I can not afford a top attorney. please email me at email@example.com thanks and have a bless day.
I am now divorced and still having my ex-shout and rage at me over the telephone. He would in public, if he would ever see me.
My son, we have a son together that was livig with his N father a few months back, calls me one afternoon to chat. His father figured out who he was talking to…and goes completely off!! It has always been like that with him, he’s not gonna change, just get older.
I have always been the one blamed for anything that ever happened. Even when my doctor wouldn’t allow me to leave a office visit one day, she saw many bruises on me. Some were old, some were fresh bruises, she called the police and a social worker with the state of North Carolina, he was charged with domestic violence….that was my fault, that he beat me up! had i not made him so mad, he might not have done those things to me! Wow!
I tolerated extreme abuse for 11 years. I finally left him and stayed gone in 2001. Boy was that hell to do – not the leaving part, that was very easy believe it or not. I had left before, many times and each time it got easier and easier and the feeling of not having him in my life during those breaks was wonderful. It felt so much better than having him in my life. What was hell, him calling, threatening my friends and family. calling places that he knew i was and just go off!
He would find me at my job and show-up and just curse me out to the top of his lungs, make -up the biggest lies i have ever heard in my life. He told a priest that I had abandoned him and had severe mental problems, he calls and begs me to go back to that hell hole of a home!!! The priest tells me that it’s nothing that we couldn’t over come in our marriage, he had another way of looking at it than i did, that’s for sure. i never liked to get advice from someone who couldn’t relate to what i was going through, like an unmarried priest could begin to know about living in an abusive marriage, with a NP husband. I wasn’t practicing religion or going to church because i would have been forced to go to a Pentacostal holliness and I wasn’t about to do that! My husband thought that the Pentacostal church was where we should go and worship, if were to go, that would be the place, NOT! Anyways, it was and it still is a long, hard road to travel along, living with and living with the memories of someone with such evil in them. I can for sure say, i saw the devil in that man one time. I screamed when I saw it, I almost fainted and fell out from it. That’s no lie! i had been up for 3 days, no sleep, wasn’t allowed to. He had been on one of his many day after day, after day rants and rages. It would go on and on for days, no sleep, no rest, nothing but his mouth going and going. Ifelt like i was being held by a detective or the police and questioned, always something i hadn’t done, that’s what made it even worse for me.
I really could do with some advice. I was married to one of these for 8 years and I lost everything. I’m not worried ’bout that part (he was also violent) – but he went for custody of my children as he knows this was the only little bit of control he left of me ( he won custody because of all his lies everyone believes him).
How can I prove to the courts that I have not lied?
I’m really sorry to hear you lost custody. This is very difficult indeed for you on so many levels. It’s very hard to win them back but it can be done and it is done.
I suggest you look for help in organizations that specialize in mothers who lost custody. One thing they do is mentor you in how to approach the legal system and custody evaluators and therapists. One thing that jumps out at me from your post is that you refer to the kids as “my children”. I always warn parents to refer to them as ‘our children” so the courts do not see you as biased from the get-go. You need to make an impression on the legal system that you are drama free, credible, not alienating the kids, etc. Proving a negative (that you did not lie) is difficult. Making a case that he lied may be easier. Try thinking of it that way. A subtle difference, but it can be important. A good resource to begin with is this site which lists many, many resources for parents in your situation – it is very important you check this out:
I see you are in the UK. You can google the phrase protective parents from your computer and get a more local list, however, do not discount the resources on the above site. They are extremely valuable for people all over the world in so many ways. I can vouch for that from people who have used that site from all over the globe and received much needed information that allowed them to move forward in their battle. One especially active organization is the California Protective Parents Organization which is on the above site. You might want to get on their email list, for example. Spend time researching and learning before you take any more action. I would also advise finding an attorney who specializes in assisting moms in custody battles. They do exist.
To fight a narcissist in a custody battle you need physical and emotional strength. Take care of yourself, and find and use a support group. These may not be your friends who may be tired of hearing about your case – it probably will consist of other mothers going through the same battle or one who has been through it and won her kids back. That does happen. I hope it happens for you – all the very best to you. Go googling and get those kids if you can, and if you can’t, you can still be the very best mom in the world for them just as you already are. Ann
wow. I knew that he had a personality disorder, but this fits him to a t. I am in year two of a devastating divorce.
My daughter is currently trying to leave her marriage with a total narcissist, and it has been miserable going for her. A couple of years back, after being a stay at home mom for a number of years, she went back to school. Trying to juggle home, family, classes, and homework has been a real load to carry, especially since it has been made worse by her narcissistic husband. He finds fault constantly, is never happy, has relationships on the side, and refuses to share in the work that needs to be done within the family. I’ve always felt he is intimidated about how well she’s doing in school and the fact that she outshines him. She is finally getting ready to move out and away from the abuse, and I appreciate your advice about writing him out of her life completely. It’s what she has to do in order to get on with her life.
I think you are right about the intimidation aspect. Narcissists want what they do not have and your daughter has skill sets and emotional maturity he does not have. He then puts her down in order to feel better about himself. It’s a losing game. Never works for the narcissist but makes life miserable for the normal one – he finds fault, as you say, and more. Glad she has you for insight and support and doubly glad she is moving on. Best, Ann
I was married to an aggressive narcissist for 35 years. I was verbally abused and made to think it was all my fault. He was constantly telling me I did not appreciate him. He never gave me compliments, would make fun of me and did cruel acts such as putting his foot out in front of me tripping me on the beach and roared laughing or dropping me off at a movie theater 9 months pregnant to get movie tickets and driving off and not coming back for more than an hour stating he was hungry and needed something to eat.
It was not until I saw a show on Oprah with her guest Brandy suggesting the book The Verbally Abusive relationship that I realized I was not the crazy one. I could of wrote that book. By the time I filed for divorce he was threaten me and abusing our oldest son who worked for us.
Well you would think the divorce would be the end. Our divorce was in 2006 and he is still taking me to court and still trying to control me. He makes false allegations and even tried to sue our oldest son. I have one son still at home and he comes to my home or his school anytime taking him and getting information about me. I had a call from a girl who was seeing him to warn me he was trying to hire someone to hurt or kill me.
Maybe I was the crazy one for staying so long with him. He would get so mad for days then scream and yell and then he would feel better and it would be good again. I kept saying I would be careful not to upset him again, but not matter what I did he said I did not appreciate him.
I have spent my life savings around 700 hundred thousand on attorney’s and now am broke and still going to court. He said he will not stop until I am out on the street. Our court docket is like 80 pages.
He is a sick man and I am doing everything I can trying to recover but I do not see how until he leaves me alone. The court will not allow me to move until our son reaches 18 which is 1 more year. I am 59 and need a life!
My husband and I met many years ago as teenagers and ran into each other as adults and really hit it off. I lived with him for a year and a half before we got married. During that time I thought I had met my absolute soul mate. We had everything in common. Both just got out of bad relationships. Both are single parents and had a child the same age. His was a boy and mine is a girl.
I lost my mother about 9 months before I started my relationship with him so I am sure I was in a very vulnurable position. He came into my life at the perfect time and absolutely swept me off of my feet. He moved me and my daughter into this beautiful house out in the country and it was like a fairy tale. Everything was great at first but then after we got married, I started noticing little things that really bothered me.
Our sex life dwindled down to maybe once every 2 months and he gave me no affection or even attention but expected me to wait on him hand and foot and constantly rub his back. I would make a huge dinner every night at around 6. At 9:00 he has me go into the kitchen and make him pancakes or some other meal that required me to cook. Did not matter if I was already in bed. I still had to get up and feed him. He had to control all of the money. Every dime I made had to go to him. He provided me with a bank card that I was not able to use at the ATM but only as a credit card so he could see exactly what I was buying. He had me quit my job to stay home and take care of the kids. Once that happened and I was totally dependant on him the controlling got even worse.
It was to the point where he would tell me when I could or could not drive my car, where I could and could not go, how many hours a night I slept, what we watched on TV. If I went into another room to watch a different TV he would follow and grab the remote and get mad because he said that I did not want to spend any time with him.
Shortly thereafter the constant criticisim started. I was lazy even though I took care of his son full time and did all of the household chores. Nothing I did was ever good enough. The house was never clean enough, I wasnt doing enough for the kids, and my all time fav was that I needed to get a job because he was tired of taking care of me and my daughter.I was so stressed out that I started to smoke cigarettes again. When he found this out he totally freaked out and said if I did not stop immediatly he was going to divorce me. Said he refused to be married to a smoker. I never smoked around him or the kids. I did not even start again until after all of the stress with him started. A month later I fell and broke my shoulder. The ortho doctor I went to wanted to try other stuff before he comitted to surgery so I was put on pain medication. When I came home with the medicine he took the pills from me and said he was going to monitor them for me because he did not want me taking drugs. Next thing I know he is calling me a drug addict because he misplaced my pills or maybe even took them himself. He claimed that I took them all and was lying. Next time I went to the doctor he said that I better make sure if the doctor gave me any more pills I better give them to him. Of course the doctor gave me more pills but this time I decided to hide them and not tell him. This would later blow up in my face. We got in a huge fight and I just snapped. I grabbed my daughter and a few clothes and went to my dad’s house. I couldnt take it anymore. Then he calls me yelling and screaming because apparantly after I left he decided that he would go through my stuff and found the pills the doctor gave me. That was it. He wanted a divorce. It was over. I was a horrible person that he took care of for so long and this is how I repay him. A few days later he sends me a picture of himself with his arms wrapped another girl he said he was now with. And ironically her name was the same as mine. He swears to god to this day he never cheated with her but I am not stupid. She was semi moved into my house taking my role as my stepson’s stemother before I even moved my stuff out of the house. He would throw her in my face constantly because he gets off on seeing me in pain. He said horrible hurtful things to me and told me that in 5 months I would be alone with no one and he would move on with someone else. Needless to say he was right about that. I have lost everything. I am living miserably with my dad and I am alone and he has just moved into this nice townhouse with this new girl. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
Whats worse is that I just cant seem to get over all of this. Its been almost seven months since I left but I still think about him constantly and the pain is as bad as it has been since day 1. We have to be seperated for a year in our state before we can get a divorce and I cannot afford a lawyer. I am taking so much anti depressant medication right now and it does not even help. I cant eat or sleep. I know my daugter is suffering because of my depression and that is the hardest thing about all of this. My feelings go from one extreme to another. One minute I hate him with every fiber of my being and the next I am crying because I just feel so terrible about the whole situation.
Hi – I’m so sorry you married such a jerk. Please, stop and realize how good it is to NOT be with him. There was nothing good about being with him. Nothing. The one thing you can control now is your reaction. Don’t let your daughter be victimized by this man. Make a decision to change things and then follow through. Chronic use of anti-depressants creates chronic depression.(e.g. Paxil does this – google this issue and you’ll find the research). You need to find better ways of feeling better. Please look into fish oil and anxiety/depression/suicide. A lot of recent research has found it to be much better than anti-d’s and it also reduces over all body inflammation. If you can feel energetic again and not lethargic you will find the energy to put into your daughter, your future and into putting the past in its grave where it belongs. He’s a tortured soul who tortured you and there is nothing good about mourning him or what you had with him. You had nothing good with him, you have everything with your child and in the possibilities of the future.
You have put up with a lot. Now it is time to take care of you. YOU DESERVE THE BEST – give this gift to yourself. You are out of there – a house is nothing compared to being a prisoner. You will be fine – look into the calming and anti-depression effects of fish oil. The research is there and you have much to gain. There is life again – you will find it. Role model this for your daughter – this is important also. Best, Ann
Hi, Its so sad to read all these nightmares so many are put through at the hands of these animals. I have been divorced for 4 years after a 25 year sentence.
The sick and corrupt behavior from my ex and both attorneys, both mine and his! I lost everything. My house which the judge ordered him to continue to pay the mortgage. He didn’t because he only does what he wants to do, nothing more, nothing less! Never once was he held in contempt of court. All the money was gone. he liquidated everything while I was home making dinner! He is corrupt in his professional life and in his private life. After being evicted from my home, my new mailman showed up with registered mail from the I.R.S. Surprise!!!! My ex hadn’t paid our taxes 3 years! That didn’t stop him from having them done and have me sign them, he simply didn’t mail them! Where was all the money? He was also ” in bed” with business associates, known as kick backing, and had a lucrative under the table thriving business to which he was never made to explain the cash deposits! Every attorney, every judge associated with divorce is on the take. Everyone of them. They are as dirty as my ex! Freedom however, has its own rewards. Its priceless! PS, I will NEVER shut up. I will Tell my TRUTH all day, every day! Even to the Feds!
It is indeed cathartic to get out all the bad done to you. You have some very important tips here as well as actions he and opposing counsel did – if you bullet point each, write a paragraph or two, you could do an e-book. Most people don’t know about the type of tricks he played – fraud, taxes, etc. If it helps, you could still file a bar complaint against opposing counsel for his unethical behavior. I did – twice – and he was investigated. Even if the Bar takes no action on your case, at least it’s a scary heads up moment for the man who harmed you and he might think twice before acting the same way again. No lawyer wants to be disbarred or investigated. Thanks for posting. Ann
Reading the previous posts strikes terror into my soul and makes me doubt my plan to divorce my own personal Narcissist (married 23 years). We don’t have children, but we have a home that will be paid off in less than 3 years. I only have a small pension to live on and can’t afford to pay him half the equity, so I plan to move out. I’ll need money from the sale of the house, but I can just imagine him stopping making house payments, not paying taxes, making the sale of the house extremely complicated and running up attorney bills.
I want so desperately to get out of this marriage, but am afraid he will ruin me financially. I am retirement age and the stress of the relationship has impacted my health so I haven’t worked in years. Is there anything I can do to protect myself financially during the divorce process?
I feel empathy for all who posted here.
Hi – Until you file you still are considered an economic unit and have the same financial rights you already have. Things change when you file. The VERY BEST thing to do is spend time learning everything you can about your state law.Go to attorney’s webs sites from your state, read their articles and blogs. In CA, there is a book called How To Do Your Own Divorce in California. Maybe one for your state? I’m not suggesting you do your own, but the book outlines what happens in a divorce, how to plan, etc. Protect yourself financially now in the planning stage. Do not discuss with him, or he will fight like a warrior. Get all your ducks in order – go to those free half hour consults with various attorneys to get questions answered and see what they have to say. Gather information before you file, plan and protect.And learn your state law.
You might want to talk to a real estate lawyer also. Think about all this. You can do it! Best, Ann
When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove me from that service? Thank you!
Hey – Nike ad posing as a poster: I don’t have that service on here. I’ll leave your post up for a little while and then take it down. I discourage spam.
HI! I wrote to you before but cannot find it. I printed state law for dissolution. Why cant they put it in plain English? I get disability not much but something…Moving it to separate bank. A lawyer in town I can drive to has 2 years experience…Is that really enough? I do not care what happens to me..I just want out after all these years. If I could just get past thinking I don’t matter…I think that would really help me.
I knew someone who had just graduated law school and he advised me on something in my divorce that made other very experienced lawyers say, “I would never have thought of that.” And it was the foundation that won the case. It’s not how long he’s been practicing but how well he is equipped for your situation. Experience has its good points but so do fresh eyes and a quick mind.
Don’t tell your lawyer you don’t matter. You do. Be clear on what you want but don’t be a drama mama. You can say you’ve been in an abusive situation and you’re worn out and need X amount to live on. A marriage is an economic unit – use that to your advantage (that’s how the law sees it, not my words).
Best to you, Ann