Katie Holmes did everything right in leaving Tom Cruise. When you are dealing with narcissism whether it is the narcissism of a religion, a cult like scientology, or from an ordinary narcissist the very best thing to do is have a divorce plan. If you are not married, plan the ending anyway.
There really is no other way when in the grips of a controller prone to dirty tricks and revenge. Tom Cruise has played his cards over and over – Scientology rules and is to be obeyed and if you disagree, you will be punished. He has the money to back it up and the huge church behind him with its large legal teams. If Katie Holmes is to be successful in this arena, she did everything right. She separated her life from his with a well laid out plan of action that had a full blown strategy and good tactics to carry it out: a support team from her parents to her lawyers, a new place to live, a decision in her mind about what to do with custody, etc.
Yes, Katie Holmes has money to plan and plan well. But even if you do not have deep pockets you can still follow her lead and plan, plan, and plan some more. In my book, Divorce: The Real Truth and Hidden Danger, Surviving Deception, Betrayal and Narcissism,from the very beginning – and all through the book – I emphasize the importance of planning. It will save you so much anguish that the time and energy and money spent is well worth it.
Without a plan you are at the mercy of a controller, his attorney, his anger and the legal system. Planning might include research. Too many people contact me without knowing anything about their rights as a litigant, a divorcing spouse that it makes everything more difficult. If you know nothing, put together some key words, including the name of your state if in the U.S., and google for information. You want your state’s name in there because divorce laws vary from state to state. What is true for Texas is not necessarily so in Hawaii or New Jersey or Florida.
If Katie Holmes can surprise the Church of Scientology and Tom Cruise and make an escape plan, you can too. She may have more money but she has a entire cult of narcissism, with its huge legal teams that she had to escape from. You may feel like you do too at times, but hang in there. And maybe have a Plan B in place – you never know!
The difference in Katy Holmes and me is that I live in Mississippi and the law here states that a divorce won’t be granted unless both parties agree. I’ve been separated for 2 years and am trapped in a marraige because my narcissistic husband refuses to give it to me. Any advice for this situation? In my opinion, the laws here allow abuse to continue and create some very dangerous situations, especially when children are involved.
Ugh. Archaic laws…so sorry you have to put up with this.
The other option is to sue for divorce but this means going to trial. I suppose you have researched this, but if not, here is Mississippi law on divorce other than getting your spouse’s agreement. Perhaps you fit in one of these categories. I completely agree that the legal system can and does at times facilitate dangerous situations. I remember a few years ago when the San Jose Mercury News (here in California) did a 5 part front page series on abuses in the legal system. My jaw dropped when I read about the judge getting off the bench and telling the jury who was guilty! The good news: he is no longer a judge.
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That’s really an unfortunate situation. Then, rather than divorce him, simply save your money and move the heck far away from him…You won’t be able to get Married again since you’ll still be legally married to him, but that’s fine. Marriage is a scam anyway. Who needs a legal piece of paper tying you together with a possible psycho? I wish you the best, I am going through the same thing as you. Luckily I wa s wise enough to simply make a commitment to this person and now that they have broken that, it’s time for me to go. And yes, they will fight and do anything they can to keep you there, as a means of their narcissistic supply. But you have to stand up for yourself and just leave. If you have kids, that’s going to be a lot harder and I really can’t give you advice there, as I do not have any kids. Thank god about that at least, I feel I have a terrible life but I am extremely lucky compared to some people who are even more “Trapped” than I am in these types of destructive relationships.
My problem is that I have not had the money that I need to get away.
Oh and that law in your state needs to be changed…that’s VERY WRONG to not let you get a divorse from a dangerous, lying, evil person. From my personal experience, I doubt that the true narcissist will never agree to the divorce, unless under the most extreme of circumstances, or if they find a better supply, which is rare. They feel no pain and they absolutely love abusive relationships, even though they will lie and say they don’t like it, they prove the opposite by their actions in constantly starting fights with you for no reason. They will make up reasons to start a huge fight just to get you upset. And a lot of times, the reasons are so silly (Like you washed your hands and then dripped water on the floor before you could dry them off…that’s one that my N Abuser does to me. Absolutely freaks out over any little thing, but they are controlled, fake, evil emotions.
Katie Holmes also had the benefit of divorcing a man whose “bread and butter” comes from his ability to come across as a “likable” guy with the public, although I hear that public opinion of his likability has changed considerably. I do not know anything about Tom Cruise except he makes movies and is a Scientologist, but I do know he is not stupid and would have never put up the same kind of a dirty fight most narcissists would when someone separates from them. He was not going to get nasty, look like a monster and make divorcing him a public living hell for Katie Holmes, all because of his public image and that definitely played well to her advantage, most women who are divorcing or getting away from a narcissist are not that lucky.
I tried to get away from mine. I hired an attorney, had the papers drawn up, and then told him. It was the longest night of my life and I ended up in a heap on my bed unable to stop crying and in the fetal position. After catching him trying to start a relationship with a man he met on craigslist, and years of walking on egg shells, I was ready. He just does not want to let me go and now he has taken over the finances to the point that I turn in my receipts to him and get $20 to myself. I am given $150 for groceries for a family of 4 (with a teenage boy and one that is 10) every two weeks. I am in college and he takes my financial aid money also. He has a nice truck and a mustang and the money goes into those.
He’s doing criminal acts – stealing from you and from the government. Use this as the infrastructure for your divorce – but before you do anything learn your rights and talk to many attorneys from civil to family. There are laws to protect you. It helps if you can research this yourself and find them and then use them to get what belongs to you. But plan, plan, and plan some more. And don’t talk about it – loose lips sink ships. Good luck to you – you can do this. Best, Ann
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