By Ann Bradley
Get Your Power Back
When you’re being played you feel out of control. The lies and manipulation and betrayals hurt. The games played by narcissists cut deep wounds and sometimes,no matter how many successes, how much money you’ve made, or friends you’ve made, the narcissist in your life is going to make you feel small, unimportant or crazy. Don’t give away your power to the narcissist. Take it back.
Maybe you thought he or she was the one and only, the prince or princess who said all the right words and made you think, “Finally, my ship has come in. Lucky me.” You were on cloud nine. One day he or she was buying you things, had big plans for the future, included your family in the plans, or maybe your dog. Whatever was important to you was important to him or her.
Until suddenly it wasn’t. You thought it was a mistake. A bad day. All would be well again soon. Except of course it wasn’t. You were now the victim of a liar, jerk, toad, sociopath or narcissist. Yes, this site is narcissistic abuse, but what the exact nomenclature is doesn’t matter. And if you are getting divorced, don’t tell the court your spouse has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They really don’t like to hear this except from a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Your toady narcissist is not going to become a prince charming or princess. The moment you accept this you have begun to reclaim your power. The spell is being broken and you are back in the driver’s seat. You can now begin to make decisions based on reality, not delusion. Feel proud of yourself. You are working your way out and it isn’t easy but you are doing it.
You Are A Victim but Don’t Be Afraid of That.
Too many people think the word victim means you are weak, don’t want to be a survivor, have not taken responsibility for your self or other disempowering thoughts. Nothing is further from the truth. Do we blame the victim of a homicide for having gotten out of bed? Of course not. You are no different. Dr. Frank Ochburg, Harvard trained trauma therapist agrees. To see what he says: Frank Ochburg and being a victim
Here’s a powerful mental trick to get you through rumination. Why rumination? Because I know you have thoughts that run around and around in your head and won’t let you rest or sleep. They are counterproductive, as much as your narcissist. So, here’s what you do: think of the thoughts as planes, circling and circling the airport. Seems like they are there forever, circling. But now, it is time to land those planes! Go ahead! Land those planes.
You are not helpless. You only think you are. I don’t care how much you don’t have in the bank account or whatever else is bothering you and keeping you from being the powerful person you can be. Find something you can control and do it. It may be the garden, the type of food bought, the thoughts in your head, the lawyer you choose, it may be that you refuse to pay a bill because you were treated poorly. (I chose to file a bar complaint against opposing counsel and it changed my world view.) This is the beginning. Go from learned helplessness to learned optimism. Go ahead and look up learned helplessness and Marty Seligman, PhD. See? You can change your thoughts and change the circumstance. Be proactive in your own behalf. One step at a time and soon you are walking away, across or around the mountain. It didn’t have to move. You did. Go, grab it. It’s you, it’s who you are. Powerful. Tell us, please, in the comments, what you have control over.
I finally have control of when I go to sleep! I get to listen to music in the car!!!
My house,my rules, big decision ur not allowed past the door!!!!!!
I have been seperated from my N for 1 year now …or can I say not living together,after I found him cheating on me. Since he moved out he called me nearly everyday for a yr.the other times,I called him.
He’s paid half my rent,and I (silly me)visited him once a week.He visited me 5 times in the year.Of course all of these calls,visits were all his decisions.So you could say Ive seen him 52 times this year .Just recently he told me he wants to be just friends,he has called me twice in 4 days..offered me money ,cause he knows Im struggling,but no ;I love you anymore and no plans to catch up.You asked me what do I have power over…well I have power over the fact that he will get no calls from me and no more visits ..Im moving slow ..but I feel good that if he puts bondaries on me ..Ill put them on him too
Good for you! Those boundaries are important. You definitely sound like you are heading in the right direction. Best, Ann
Maybe it’s that I haven’t caught her cheating, but after her breaking up with me(or also known as the silent treatment)I hooked up with my ex who offered the love and validation I so needed, she’s ever since called and berated me as a “cheater”. Meanwhile btw she had told me it was over, but when we reconciled it’s forever become my title, regardless of the fact I’d never cheated on any gf prior. What I’m saying is all the narcissistic traits exist except for the lying and cheating, but then again I was naïve enough to fall for all the other bs, so what I wanna know is why do I keep making excuses for her innapropriate behavior. Is it cause as an ex addict I feel that desire for pleasure that ultimately brings pain?
I have control over nothing because I haven’t left him. But I want to. He is a narcissist and a sociopath. It’s been 16 years since I became trapped and only now am I seeing from my teenage boy, the horror this relationship has caused. I want to have the power to look at him straight faced and say “you will never control anything in my life again.”
Hi Candace, You have control over your thoughts. Oh, they may run away from you at times, but you can call them back and control them! And once you see this, you begin to get stronger and more proactive. Right now you are controlling where you want to go – you just defined a goal: to be free to be your own person. You have clawed your way back up and out of the deep hole you were in and that IS control. Sure, it’s a small step, but a journey of a 1000 miles begins with one step as the saying goes. And one leads to three to six to nine…it sometimes takes leaps when you take control of your thoughts. You’re on the way – and it looks like your son is with you. My advice is plan, quietly to do what needs to be done. Don’t antagonize him right now, don’t talk about what you are planning. Just start doing small things – educating yourself, (divorce?) finding out your rights to finances, etc. But please, do so quietly or you will have to put up with his revenge tactics as well. Best to you, Ann
I first entertained the idea i may be dealing with a narcissist when the word was presented to me two semesters ago in a psychology course. I dismissed it from my mind quickly and i brought up the characteristics to him.
well, a couple weeks ago my boyfriend of 10 years with whom i have 2 small children, told me that he loves me, but has never really been in love with me, and that he wasn’t sure that he could ever be in love with anyone. i was devastated and couldn’t believe that after so long he could not be in love with me (although, deep down, his actions had long before revealed this devastating truth.)
I googled “boyfriend of 10 years said he is not in love with me” and lo and behold NARCISSIST popped up on the screen! i began to research the behaviors and characteristics and they fit him and this “relationship” to a T. I must admit that i get upset reading these things, and i cant lie, they make me want to punch him in the face. But i am dealing with the anger, thank god i have Jesus in my life and i know that my anger is making me stronger. i point out every time his narcissism flares up, if he apologizes for something i tell him, you are not sorry, you just want me to think that you are. so, i guess i am taking back control of my mind! if i remember that all of his actions are for his greater good and not for salvaging this “relationship” i will be emotionally back to my old self soon. i’m in a bad place because i can’t just pick up and leave right now, but i am making provisions to be able to do that as soon as it is possible.
I have been married to an abuser for 44 years. Please dont wait that long to run from such a man!
I am 66 years old and am having to start over. Finally, he has left our home after being arrested for abuse because my daughter called the police when I would not. I am ashamed that I did not have the courage to do it myself many years ago.
I have taken back control over my own life even though i am old and sick. My daughter and her young child have moved in with me to help when I am too sick to take care of myself. He hates that she is seeing what he is. He has not sought help for his problem, blames me, and lies to everyone about abusing me, saying I am the abuser. he took our money and says i did. Total denial, but I was in denial too!
I thought, hoped, prayed things would get better, but the abuse only escalated, especially after my mother died in 2012. He knew i had no one to turn to, but my daughter, who originally blamed me as well as him, began to see the truth. It is one day, one baby step, at a time for me.
i have modified contact with him because of daughter and 5yr old granddaughter but I refuse to be with him to protect granddaughter from seeing the abuse. I wish i had known how this would end and how detrimental it wasfor my daughter to grow up in so much abuse, disrespect, and dysfunction.
Thanks so much for sharing this story. Do not be ashamed – somewhere along the line you were taught not to stand up for yourself. You have been victimized before he came along. Be happy you are now free to breathe. Enjoy your daughter and grandchild. Life can be good again. 66 is not old! You have a lot of living to do. Best, Ann
Thank you for posting about how your daughter was impacted by your staying. I have stayed with my husband for years when I wanted to leave because I have always thought it was better for my kids. I have been willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs and would continue to if I thought staying was best for them. I don’t want to regret the way I am raising my children. I get only get to do it once and I want to do it right. I can’t change the fact that their father is a narcissist and may never have a real relationship with them- but I can show them that their mother refused to be abused and stood up for herself and them. I have decided to leave and I am preparing for it. I just hope when the time comes to actually walk out the door that I can do it.
I am living in hell, I have finally found the strength to end my marriage to my narcarsistic husband of 8 yrs when the police took him in March.
He is now trying to have me kicked out of my home, telling lies to Social Security that the children live with him so me and the children have to move out and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.
I drop my children off to and from school and have asked the school to write a letter stating that the kids live with me and nothing. I have no friends and the only person that knows the truth is my mother. He is on drugs and has drug addict friends signing false documents ect. Child protection are involved and they cant help me either since they don’t know who the children lived with before the incident when he used drugs in front of my daughter nor can they prove that it happened HELP !!! He has threatened me several times that he will not stop until I have nothing and destroys me 🙁
You can: write to the superintendent of the school district requesting confirmation of your address and the children living with you and (very nicely) inform them you already approached the school with no response. CC the school.
If he is lying to Social Security this is a crime. Report it to the local police, district attorney or the agency itself in writing. Talk to a criminal lawyer about his criminal activity.
Don’t put up with his threats – this is verbal harassment and calmly put it in writing that you fear for your life and let the local police know. You CAN stop him, but since he thinks he has you as doormat, scared and afraid and ready to step on, he will.
You are not alone…go search for DV groups, protective parents, etc. Go to a drug group and ask for help – document it all. You can do this!
Hi Ann, the good news so far is, he didn’t get me and the kids social security.
I have stopped letting him see my children who are 8,7 & 6 as the local hospital called and told me they found him disorientated and incoherent walking the streets – drug psychosis. Prior to that my 8 yr old little girl had said she didn’t want to go to daddys. So I have a lawyer and he has sent him a letter offering supervised visits with the local community services. No response as yet but I know he will reject it and make up lies.
He won’t accept 50% custody he will want me to suffer. His response to my sms as I don’t take his calls as I would rather have his rants documented. I just put the kids on the phone straight away and don’t speak to him. Anyway his response to my sms was that he called the hospital and said “I’m a liar” projection and his taking me to court so I have no power over the kids or him wtf ? I am worried as he is a very good liar and his simply so vindictive. I cant eat, cant sleep there was a knock on my door yesterday which I thought was him so I never answered. I worry that he will just pick the kids up from school one day hes leaving them there alone with strangers he lives in a homeless hostel atm. There is no avo or set child care case yet so there isn’t a thing I can do anyway sorry if lm all over the place this man is evil.
Hi- The evidence you have on your side comes from the hospital report on his condition and their call to you which shows how concerned they were about his condition and the harm he could do. USE IT! Good for you for getting the kids on the phone and staying off. He may be a good liar but he isn’t perfect and the hospital can back that up and put him in perspective so his lies appear obvious. No need to apologize and keep on going – you can do this! Evil is difficult but not impossible to overcome. Many here have done so. Take care of yourself, do something good for yourself every day, whether its a coffee out or a tv show or a magazine or a walk or yoga. Just treat yourself well. Best, Ann
Hi ann, he is back after not seeing the kids for over 6 weeks and pick them for school and drove off I did not respond. He is also picking them up from school without letting me know.I have informed the school of the situation so they said if they are taken they will let me know. He is not threatening me or anything but I know he is plotting something he knows if he misbehaves I will get an avo back in place hes not stupid I just wish to hell I hadn’t dropped the avo in the first place. I know he is only having the kids for there social security money as soon as hes lies where denied he didn’t bother with them. I am so exhausted and even though the 6 weeks of No contact has been an eye opener I feel sooo drained and can barely face the day which I know he will be smirking at. The mere thought of him makes me anxious and I know I will have to deal with him as we share children I just wish it was thru a third party as in supervised visits. I cant go to the police as he on his best behaviour. Im even thinking of moving somehow as I feel this house has bad energy in it no matter what I do. What in your opinion should I do ? Thank you for listening to me,
Do not share custody with him. It is not the best for the children. In cases of domestic violence (and emotional abuse is domestic violence), courts are beginning to recommend that sole custody be awarded to the nonabuser. If he abused you, he is likely to abuse your children as well and to continue to abuse you through the children. Here, read this and anything else you can find by Lundy Bancroft: http://www.lundybancroft.com/articles/understanding-the-batterer-in-custody-and-visitation-disputes. All that research that says it’s best for children to see both mother and father does not apply to abusive fathers.
I wish commenters would refrain from telling their personal woe is me experience with narcissists and instead contribute to the academic discussion about what you learned and how it strengthened you, etc etc so that you can be useful yo others.
bugger off ANDRE ppl need to put their issues in context and it seems to me that only a narcissist lurking would bitch about ppl telling woe-is-me stories, and i have always found, that while repetitive and at times, annoying, being able to talk about what is happening is THE MOST clarifying and fortifying thing a person can do. woe is how ppl feel after being strategically beaten down by a narcissist. so stop being a spoilt selfish little boy and let them speak. trying to control what ppl say is the number one narcissistic trait…. so you are busted.
I learned within 2 months I was dealing with a N. After the constant 4-7 hour discussions about his insecurities, pain, and talking about everything I did wrong in the relationship, I finally had enough. I’m a very strong woman and this man stripped away my secure mindset and dug a deep hole and left me wildly confused, constantly doubting myself and wanting to change for him. Ladies, recognize this as a red flag and keep reading about narcissism every day. Especially when you miss the good times with him. The only reason he was good that day was bc you were behaving! Once you feel comfortable in the relationship, that is when he will attack… Or in my case have a calm discussion.
I think there are so many ppl struggling with these horrible monsters. Mine was 3 an half years an im finially free. Iv got control over my thoughts an my life an my childrens happiness. The ping pong games of who ignores who kept goin till I no longer let it bother me. I kept it short an civil an said I have hes things if he wishes me to return them other wise they will b thrown out. No reply. Big shock there. These horrible monsters only win if u let them control ur thoughts. No matter what u do they will return its up to u wether u wish to continue the game. Keep positive, keep busy an keep reminding urself how free u are without them. It takes time an it takes alotta work. I went back 17 times to mine an the same cycle continued. I ended up stronger an eventually had enough. These are not humans they are monsters who only will by u letting them control ur thoughts and ur life. Fake it till u make it an keep rescuing ur soul everyday by reminding urself what its like to live a normal life. I was in a really bad way mentally so if I can break free an become normal an at peace theres hope for anyone. Best of luck to u all xx
These comments are saving me and allowing me to see a positive future. I have come so close to giving up but now I see what’s really going on, I feel stronger. Please don’t stop telling you’re real-life stories as they help more than anything else! I will tell mine too, when I get the focus and the strength. Take care of yourselves. dani
1990 I met him, 1992 I married him, 1997 our 1st daughter was born, 2003 our 2nd daughter was born. 2010 I spent 5 days on a mental health unit because he claimed I was mentally ill, the doctors declared I was mentally WELL, then I left him but 3 months later we were back together, 2011 when he attacked me for the last time I had the police remove him from the house. I thought I was free of him, but I had two things that BELONGED to him, our two daughters. I struggled to support them alone, he stripped away my finances until I couldn’t support our girls. 2013 they were living with him. 2014 I rose from the ashes much stronger than before I could now support our daughters, the eldest at 17 left him and now lives with me. He disappeared for 3 weeks with the youngest now 9 1/2. Court papers arrived through my letter box, he had applied for custody for the youngest. 2 court hearings later he has full custody of the youngest, he lied and manipulated the court system. I see her alternate weekends and each Thursday for 4 hours. The youngest is getting stronger and is starting to see what her father is like. Last week she stood up to him and said “No, I am staying with Mum tonight” he threatened me with the police and he is going to take it further. Let him try! There is one thing I know for sure, I learned the hard way what a monster he is, my eldest learned too and my youngest is starting to realize it. I am mentally strong, I am calm and collected, what gives me strength is knowing that he can no longer affect me or my eldest and soon enough my youngest will be free of him too and it will be her choice not his. I have been in this battle for 25 years. Believing in yourself is the strongest power of all, knowing that a narc will always target the nice people says it all.
Bravo to you for capitalizing on your strength to use it in the system as your best weapon. Calm women in the face of trauma is always unsettling to these people. They don’t know what power you might have to use against them. FYI: I’ve had great success in writing bar complaints against opposing counsel to get things to stop that are dirty tactics. Good luck,strong one! And what a great role model you are for your kids. Best, Ann
Reading other people’s stories has helped me alot. I felt alone. My ex is evil too. We have a 5 year daughter becuz he raped me. I didn’t call the police bcuz I was scheduled to leave for bootcamp, but couldn’t go bcuz I found out I was pregnant. So of course the court doesn’t believe me. Even though I’m willing to take a polygraph. My N does horrible things. I’ve been in contempt of court twice bcuz I was protecting my daughter, when she returned to me with bruises on her that HE covered up with temporary tattoos, after his weekend visitation with her. He has returned her to me sick, with 102 fever and he did not seek medical treatment for her, but for some reason the court sides with him……….I don’t understand….
Thanks for sharing your stories and guidance. I used to be a strong independent girl. But lately I feel so depressed and I cry several times a day. Some days I’m ok. But feel like im emotionally imbalanced.
My husband is a narcissist. He keep pushing me down mentally, always fight with our kids. We moved in here last year and I’m far away from my friends and family. I have two young kids and gave up my career after they were born. That was 5 long years ago.
Financially I’m not strong enough to make any decision. I can’t stay away from my kids so I feel suffocated. Last thing I want to become is mentally ill. He always point out that I’m not good enough, he does everything better. It’s like a competition in the house which I stopped trying to prove anything now. I’m glad I came across the word “narcissists” I was losing my balance. I also realized that I don’t love him. Even though he mentions it sometimes. I can’t imagine how to go on with this life. Being with this man sucked out my whole life and I’m left with this horrible lifeless body and mind. I love my kids with my life so want to do what’s best for them. I even resigned from my job because I wanted to raise them on my own. That decision paralysed me financially. What should I do?
Hi, It is tough isn’t it? But you sound very insightful. I suggest this character strength will serve you well.Make some long range plans to get out. See it as your future. Begin learning the family code for your state and what belongs to you from the marriage. Pull on your teflon clothes every day and let his words bounce off you! Be in the moment with your kids, make a life with them and enjoy them. Meanwhile, plan, plan, plan. It will give you hope and knowledge. Think of it as light at the end of the tunnel. You can’t climb out now, but you can climb to the door marked EXIT. You might think of getting a job in the future as the kids get older but right now learn as much as you can about getting out. But do it stealthily – don’t ever let him know and don’t leave traces on the computer. Many have been in similar paths and survived and thrived.
Your body and mind are more than capable of regeneration. You are temporarily stunned by where you are but you will recover. Make sure the time with the kids is fun – for them and for you. It will be helpful to engage in a life in a meaningful way and see things can be good in the midst of troubling times. Start doing research about your state’s divorce laws and family code. Visit family law attorney sites and if they have a blog, read it. Best of luck- you will be fine in time – yes, you will! Ann
Hi to all of you. Your stories and sharing truly help. I was with a textbook N for over 4 years…and a married one at that. I would like to share that I am on Day 24 of No Contact. And getting stronger every day. I have no urges to contact or to break NC. And I am getting nothing back from the N. I already know that my N has at least 2 other sources of supply that had been properly groomed for months…..now that I look back at things with perspective. The fog is lifting…slowly…..but its lifting. My biggest challenge is when I ruminate about “things we did/shared/had/promised”……which I now know were just a fabrication to keep me hooked. Over the last 4 months I was subjected to the most humiliating devalue and discard….and my self respect was nowhere to be seen….my confidence shot full of holes. I see it all now. When I think about the fake things I miss….I quickly turn my thoughts to the abuse I suffered, and the humiliation that was shoved in my face. Leaving a N is not easy…..its an addiction. But I can tell you that you need some support, need to know you are not alone, need to know you are not crazy….and need to know that No Contact works. I am proof of that. Its not easy…..but its the best way where possible. don’t fool yourself into ” no response” watching to see if they contact you….you’re gaming yourself. Block them. Ignore them. You are too valuable, your time too precious….to give them 5 more minutes……its all about you now. Not them. Not anymore. My ” personal anthem” is ” I Don’t Care Anymore”….by Phil Collins. Not a commercial for him….but the lyrics mean so much to me. Read them. See if they apply to you. Be strong. Learn to love you. Demand from others what you deserve…and that is NOT the games and abuse of a narcissist. Be strong.
Thank YOU! That was a wonderful foundation for how to leave, make it stick and why you’ll better if you do. From all of us, thanks much.. you sound like you will soon be thriving, if not already..
I was with my N for 4 years. I can say after being away from him No Contact for 3 and a half months – I am AWARE and ALIVE in every way possible. Awareness was what got me out of that horrible dark “well” day by day I climbed upward to get out of there and be free from him and all the trauma Narcissists cause. How Dudu do it? Online podcasts on self esteem / loving myself/ daily goal setting/taking my power back. I wrote several cards out- that said: Never Ever Let Someone Control You. Take control of your life and never lose control again. Love Yourself First! Change = Happy Better Life.
I put these cards in my car / in my wallet, took a picture of one saved it to my phone. I read them every day – several times a day. You have 1 life- ONE! Do Not Spend it with an abuser- get OUT. However- and I say this very carefully- plan it strategically. Do not go it alone. Get a real good strategy in place. Study, Google, research, seek out help, get into online support groups, skills, meetings, counseling— you need THESE things in place- you can not do it alone. Make no mistake of what exact Evil and Darkness you are breaking free of- you know the depth here of what I mean – you MUST educate yourself FIRST on how to leave a Narcissist and never return to them – NEVER – then fight like hell for your life! You will be ok. Your Life is precious – fight for it and climb out of the well of darkness. I did it – and it was the hardest thing I ever did. I made it out of the well into peace and love. I’m a strong woman who got “sucked” in so do not blame yourself- there is no shame in “your” game! You are not a victim. Love yourself enough to fight for yourself. Hugs to everyone in this battle. I pray for you all and send you strength, love and courage. You can get out. Take back your power, the “other side” aka happiness and joy is waiting for you. :))
Thanks for this great and valuable message and sharing with all of us. It is much appreciated, Ann
I have known for years that something is off with my husband. I honestly thought is was a bit of a sociopath, but in the last 24 hours, have come to realize (through a lot of research) that he is a cerebral narcissist. WOW! I am happy to say, I feel like I can breathe now. It’s NOT me! I found your article, and found it quite empowering! Thank you so much! I am going to take back the control of life, starting with taking control of my feelings of helplessness.
That’s great! Having control of emotions leads to the actions that empower you further. Best to you, Ann
How many narcissists can there be in one family? I suspect my mother is…..my father was not interested in me at all so I think perhaps he has something else going on. Both my siblings have problems. I am suffering severe depression and I wonder if my husband is narcissistic…..I have two daughters who I love dearly but wonder about them as well…..how do you know if you are narcissistic? Both my mother, husband, sister and one daughter have at least some of these traits…..I feel quite heartbroken….I certainly have made mistakes but my husband is very cunning in the way he blames me for everything. Both of my daughters are estranged from me. My mother no longer has anything to do with me but still impacts my life from afar…..I am feeling suicidal these days and feel that I am losing the will to fight it.
Your feelings are a normal reaction – as miserable as you feel, what would be strange is if you didn’t feel badly in light of your situation. It’s clear that the emotional chaos is impacting you dramatically. But that doesn’t mean you are going to be in that misery forever. Maybe you don’t fight it right now. That takes energy and perhaps conserving energy is a better tactic until you can figure out what needs to be done and how to do it. Depression often comes in waves and the feelings of suicide are temporary. The problem is that when you feel this way its hard to imagine that feeling good is also a possibility. It’s the pain you ant to get rid of, not yourself. So you need to dig deep inside and find the energy to take care of your pain right now. I don’t know if that is a therapist, friend, support group, counseling, hot line or what. You may even want to find help online – and certainly read some of the many responses to posts here from people in very similar situations. Seeing others have found answers will being hope – and hope is powerful. Best to you, Ann
I didn’t realize I was being emotionally abused. I just knew I was always feeling worthless & guilty of everything. I was feeling fat & unloved & suicidal all the time! He was such a great guy at first! It got to a point though that I couldn’t breathe without wanting to scream or cry! It was my 16 year old daughter who pointed it out! Luckily before I could talk to him about it…he broke up with me. “I decided I’m done with you” he said. HA! I have never felt more free & happier & healthier! It’s been over a month now. And it was my longest relationship ever! The abuse lasted 6 months the last months of the relationship. I still work with him. He comes in for the graveyard shift & relieves me of my shift. He still refuses to talk to me & I don’t care! He turns it around on me telling everybody that I refuse to talk to him though! I say “hey or hi” to him. And then I simply say “bye have a good night” everybody can see that I am the more grownup…he is acting like a child. Last night at work – my coworker & I had a blast! I showed her an empty pack of my prime time box & it was all brown & gross…she thought it was cool & tried showing my ex. He refused. I simply said “don’t bother – he doesn’t care…it belongs to me so he wont look!” He just smirked & nodded like a toddler & I threw the pack away & said “all he knows how to do now is act like a baby!” My coworker laughed & I couldn’t help it either! I really could care less how he treats me now…he has no power over me anymore cuz I am single & HAPPY now! And the silent treatment only shows that he is the one with the problem!
I was married to a controlling man. He took control slowly, first separating me from friends then made it harder with family, took control of money shifted almost all utilities into his name alone, even had control of my mobile phone whist at the same time came the abuse condesension, constant critisism , belittling in public, until I got ill.
Finally I got better and I realised that his constant abuse of myself and the children was detrimental to my health and their well being. I chose to leave it has not been easy I was advised he would get worse which is exactly what has happened. He still tries to control some situations has told lies tried to make me look bad in court, all you need is a good lawyer, but it is expensive and the ongoing deluge can be depleting and has an adverse affect on the children. Protecting them is important I have big shoulders he can try sometimes succeed in still hurting men mostly I look at how to solve whatever new idea he comes up with to continue his reign of control. He does not deal well with my coping mechanism as it normally takes his power away and every time that happens it empowers me more. He threatened me once that he would turn the children against me and that he would take everything meaning emotionally and financially. He has done some damage financially but those whom are friends see a terrible pattern in him forming and the respect they had is gone. He does not see that yet, by the time he does it will be too late. Its the children I worry about most of all it has weakened and changed the oldest, the middle one has grown stronger and has surprised me with the growth emotionally for the age, the youngest has never seen love between too adults only abuse but still has faith and will turn out ok hopefully with the proper love and support. To those of you who have stayed don’t its not worth it, I should have left a 3 or 4 years earlier for my eldest, but I am the one who has to live with that no one else as it was my choice not to leave I was not strong enough but I am now. I was strong enough then I just did not know it. My journey isn’t over yet but soon I will be totally free of him each day gets closer. I take notice of his actions just to be sure as I don’t underestimate what he is capable of. As when he realises he no longer has any control he will either accept it or he will be at his most dangerous. Hopefully I am prepared for what ever comes next.
I have control over myself. I am one hundred percent responsible one hundred percent of the time for everything I feel. If I am not happy this is my fault and I am responsible to change it. Not anyone but me has power over me and that power is never taken from me, it is given. I am powerful and have used the relationship with a person that has npd as an excuse for my negative feelings. This way I have been able to believe and convince others that I am not to blame for my own feelings of despair. The relationship has been an excuse to sink in to a dark and solitary place that is not good but is familiar and thus comfortable in some odd way. Not as comfortable as dealing with my emotions and being happy though, so I’m out! Walking out the door after I finish typing and I am not coming back here. Going to throw the phone out the window of my car on the freeway on my long drive far far away. I have a phone number through my onstar that he doesn’t know because I have never used it. I will purchase another phone with a new number when I get there. I love him but he does not love me and I can not take one more day of the neglect and impersonal interactions. I don’t have to. He doesn’t mean to hurt me and I know that part of him desires to function in relationships like other people. I know he wishes to please me and is frustrated with himself quite frequently over not being what I need. He can’t help what he is and I understand that. However, it is not fair to me to continue being hurt, regardless of the cause. The insanity stops today. He knew I was going to leave today so he took my wallet. That is fine. It won’t do anything to me or my plans other than give pause. I am prepared and able to undo that damage in a matter of minutes. I am ready to live again and I deserve to have whatever I am willing to give myself. I am not giving this bs one more minute of my life. I’m TAKING my life back and TAKING what I want from life. I hope these words help someone else who is stuck in the same place I have been for the last four years.
For the person stuck in a relationship with a person that has NPD: Yes you are right about all of the things you suspect, trust your gut, if you can’t, hire a private investigator and don’t tell the npd party about it. It will be the best money you have ever invested in your entire life. Trust yourself and get out.
Wow! Good luck on your amazing new journey – thank you for sharing and yes, your words will reach out and touch others. You go, girl! Best, Ann
I am the adult child of a n. My mother continues to have my father cowering in fear of her wrath and walking on eggshells. Aside from being physically beat, we were forced to sit at the table for hours and sometimes days being berated and lectured by her. She would pull our dresser drawers out and dump out all our clothes. Then she’d set a timer for a set time and if we didn’t “respect her efforts” by neatly recording instead of cramming the clothes by the time the timer went off we’d get spanked. My sister was called fat and belittled in public. My older brother and I were almost solely responsible for my younger brother and sister because “moms nerves couldn’t handle it”. She’d scream “COFFEE!” and we had to jump. She’d have the remote on her arm chair and call us from the other room to hand it to her. She couldn’t work because the doctor said it made her nervous so she’s never held a job while dad sometimes had multiple jobs. She doesn’t drive because that would make her nervous and were rural. So I end up driving them around due to dads stroke. The first time I wore foundation was because she blackened my eye in seventh grade. I consider my dad a coward. He should have protected us. Now she had breast cancer and he had a stroke. She’s still screaming fights and accusations at him when he’s 36 hours from carotid artery surgery. They didn’t Doctor a lot and I wish someone would have ever caught her. My younger brother is done with her. His major offense this time? He and his wife told her parents before his that they’re expecting. How did she react? “You’re so close with your sister? You go to HER with your ibaby information. We don’t want to know”. Except she told dad to cal him. And he did. To keep the peace. I’m done with it. I told them today that they need counseling or divorce. So mom called me later and said she wasn’t going to dads surgery. That she wouldn’t feel welcomed. Ahhhh I deserve better. I’m really starting to dislike even going there.
Oh, what dysfunction in your family! So sorry for all of it. Sometimes it does happen that there is so much. However, you have a head on your shoulders and understanding – which helps, even if you are still enmeshed in their dysfunction. As Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep on going.” You go, girl! There is another side to all of this. Best, Ann
Narcissistic bf from one year broke up with me after an onslought of verbal assults and accusations of cheating then he sent me a photo of him and this other woman kissing telling me she does whatever he wants and lets him do whatever he wants. I said, good stay with her and b happy…I then sent hom the mya d angelou poem I rise…it was the most empowering thing ever…he has been grooming me all along just didn’t realize it until I read these posts very helpful…this was the third time he came back, but I have completely blocked him out of my life and will never speak to him nor not hear his fake tears, lies, promises to change again..his evil actions overoad his kindness and I will not let a man abuse, use, nor intimidate me…he sooo picked the wrong girl…I also sent a song before I blocked him for good called ” It aint me babe by Johnny Cash…no, no, no it aint me youre looking for…I am quite offended that this man had the auspicious audacity to step to me pretending devotion and kindness with nothing to offer but deceipt and grief…well, I let him have it told him dont care what happened in his past we all have past hurts, but as long as he harbors bitterness, resentment, and anger he will never know true happiness and love…and that makes me pity him…not enough to take him back though because I am strong enough to love and be loved in return…Nature boy song Nat King cole .
None, let me repeat, noone deserves to b abused nor mistreated…make a promise to yourself to never let anyone steal your smile ever again…everyone repeat everyone deserves love except the narcissist who has to decieve you to gain it and then shatter it before youre eyes can blink.
The devil came knocking at my door, yet there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes..but to my dissappointment, it was only my reflection Rachel A. Sinnott, survivor narcistic abuse.
I have been with a narcissist man for a year and a half now. We’ve been married six months, sorry I lost my mind and took that plunge! Luckily we don’t own anything together so as soon as some of my debt is paid off, I can be free to split. I do understand how I got here and last night he took things to such a level I was like, stupified. For once I thought I had something on him that I could use as leverage to protect myself until I could get out. He ruined our date night by being a louse and I calmly called him out on it. I gave him a choice to retreat and turn the evening back around but he would not take responsibility. See, this time I was not reacting and becoming more conscious and clearer. He finally went out without me and I texted to ask him if he could bring me back dinner and some bacon for breakfast. I was menstrual and starving (nothing much to eat at home) and he sent me pictures of his lovely steak and seafood dinner and dessert. I was seething, hurt by his cruelty. See, at first he had me feeling responsible for not controlling my emotions! When I stopped being fearful about life on my own again and stopped reacting, that’s when I see the truth. Btw, this is a beautiful man with amazing body that I thought was totally made for me. He is incredibly strong and seems to have many bright ideas. He has an adorable foreign accent, deliciously naughty, so many lovable traits. Except for the part about completely ignoring and dismissing my feelings! I was very near 40 when he came along and I felt certain that this was it, if someone better were meant for me, he would have shown up already. I know I sounded like a dude but our deep physical attraction has hindered my whole thought process. Anyway, he also went out to a bar to hear music (he never takes me out for dancing anymore, he does it when he’s mad at me and goes alone). I wake up at 1:30am and he’s still out. I locked the chain on door this time! I sat on the balcony trying to stay calm but seering with some dread. I sent some messages that I thought would get to him like, I finally talked with your ex wife, shoulda done it long ago. I’m going to call your boss (also my client) and tell him (some things that might make his job situation bad if his boss knew the truth) and he could not come in unless agreeing to let me have bedroom to myself until I could move out, to give me peace. Well, he drove up, read my messages for a few and got out of car. I said, you’re not coming in unless you agree to stay out of my room. He ignored and was at the door. He calmly threatened to call police but I know how things work. I said, all you have to do is agree to let me have peace and sleep alone. He walked away and I sat on couch thinking he probably won’t call police but I was still feeling dread. Then quickly and swiftly he climbs up onto the balcony and opens the door (3am). Lock was broke. He runs to the bathroom. I take his blanket and pillow and throw on couch. I was hoping he was sick on toilet. Comes out, grabs his pillow and blanket and gets right into bed. There’s where I was stupefied. He has no fear of me!! Then I began to think different. No longer was this a self centered, ignorant, immature, selfish man (insert massive confusion on my part). So I googled, how to outsmart dangerous husband. Found many things on narcissistic husbands. That’s when I really took in the idea of narcissist. My mind reeled until 6am. Fell asleep for two hours and got up at 8. Only four hours of sleep. My mind still working and coming to a very clear and conscious state. People, my eyes are very open now. Please, learn what it means to live this way..your true self. Don’t stop searching.
He is such a bastard. First he has isolated me from my friends, my family. Doesn’t let me go to any social situations. He took all my money and created a financial block for me.He hates everything I love to do that I am passionate about. Rapes me whenever he can. He belittles my ambition.n ow hide yes on my father’s property. This psychopath is so cunning he can keep his good face to people and everyone believes his lies. He is such a professional liar everytime he comes to me I forgive him even when I don’t want to.
He hates it when I am happy without him.I can’t understand one thing this type of monster do exist.he is so jealous of my creative works.everytime I painted something he feels worse and demoralize my inspiration.he doesn’t let me go out to shop or anything.i mad at him don’t know how many times.thought I was going crazy.He doesn’t let talk to any other man.but I have learned to control my emotions.now I don’t believe care what he thinks of me anymore.your post by is helpful to me.now I know he doesn’t and never ever loved me.he wanted to kill my talents,my happiness. I have learned from him that I have to care for myself,my need,my worth.
Right now my N of almost 7 years is giving me the silent treatment because last Friday I cried over a few things, and he HATES CRYING, keep that in mind. I cried because the week before that he had a fever of 103 and I spent six hours in urgent care with him, I brought him all kinds of medicines, I spent over $70 on food and gas just for one week on him, and when I was asking him if he wanted something to eat, I offered KFC chicken because he had said he wanted some a few weeks ago, so after I brought him some he complained..for two days and was angry at me because it left a bad taste in his mouth, he snapped at me and said “quit f***ing nagging me woman!” Even though..I was just saying “can I make you some soup? ..how bout some tea..? I’ll go get you anything you’d like?..” that was his response. I also clean his room with alcohol and Lysol, I washed all his clothes and blankets and pillow cases and couch cases, his towels, it all was about theee loads of laundry a day and he would snap at me if I didn’t go get them out and remember to put them in the dryer on time.. but I did it anyway. After five days of taking care of him he was finally getting better, now before all of this, many months ago he moved in with these wonderful new roommates, the kindest people ever, and he wouldn’t allow me to meet them from may-to just last week I finally met them..and I was finally able to use the bathroom and go get water anytime..I have noticed this freedom is a turn off to him, he is angry I have become friendly with his roommates, we went to school together so we knew each other and we talked for a few hours..the first time in a long time e I’ve been able to talk to someone and hang out. He was furious.. ever since then he hasn’t been talking to me for days on end, and when he wants sex he invites me over. I am a very kind person..I even took out his roommates garbage and did the dishes and bought them turn overs and pie and other things..that he tried to take from them..so I had to go buy him his own. I run errands for him, he borrows money from me and doesn’t always pay me back, but he spends thousands on video games, anime figures, furniture, clothes..all for him. Most things in his room I have either helped pay for or paid for, like his $550 ottoman, I have a list if I ever decide to go to small claims court, but he has talked to me and said things like “I’d rather go to prison than have to pay for child support if I ever get anyone pregnant!” Or this “if someone ever tried to hurt my car I’d run them over!” And this..”if someone ever tried to stab me with a knife I’d turn around and kill them for it.” So.. you can imagine I’m a little afraid. In the beginning he acted like he cared.. I’ve been in the honeymoon cycle about seven times now in the past seven years though. Now back to when I mentioned he hates crying? Well a few weeks ago he cried to me about how he is afraid of becoming a failure, and I comforted him and showed him support..and then he wanted sex right after he was done crying..at that point I had just seen my mother in a very happy relationship with a wonderful guy (finally) it was beautiful, he had his hands all dirty in the flour and was helping my mom make everything in the kitchen, I’ve never seen my mother so happy after being with my father(who is in prison for sexually abusing me since I was born up until 18, and it was exactly when I turned 18 that I met my Narc) my brothers father(also in jail off and on a lot) and my sisters father(drug addict, extremely physically abusive and emotionally abusive, he would beat me all of the time when I was little) and now a guy who is hard working and treats me mother like a princess, no, a queen. It’s beautiful and my grandma found the same thing before grandpa past, he was with us for 17 years and he would always treat my grandma with great respect, helpful, kind and caring, he even opened his home for ten years for my mother and my siblings, and my Narc.. because my Narc claimed he was being abused by his family..and to this day he denies that he was ever abused by his father, his mother did leave him for drugs..but my father and mother emotionally neglected me and never supported me in anything, I was extremely alone, not to mention my father was picking me up from school every day and was drubbing me every night he’d pick me up. I would wake up and have to crawl with my arms to the kitchen to get water, I was so traumatized I didn’t remember any of
It until I was away from him for a year, I had it terrible.. I failed in school because I couldn’t remember my homework, and my school work, they just pushed me through to graduate 8th grade and then in 11th they told me I wasn’t going to graduate, that was when I finally was away from my dad and I started to remember things, but I was being terribly bullied, I was the girl who sat behind a locker to eat my lunch everyday because other girls knew my grandma sent me to school with $15 everyday for my lunches. That was the only love I had was my grandmother, and I am very grateful for her, but I hardly remember my child hood or teen years. I mention my background because ..I had it much worse than my Narc.. he has very wealthy grandparents who buy him things all of the time and he never thinks to do something nice for them in return, and a loving aunt who cooks for him and pays for things for him all of the time .. and his .. supposed to be “abusive” father who pays for his cell phone bill, even though he’s 22, and takes him on trips and out to dinner. Recently he got angry at me because we were in Best Buy looking at the new iPhone seven, and he wanted to buy it, he has been talking about it for months, and excited about it, so when we went to go look at it, the guy told him he needed his dads social and password to be able to buy a new phone, he was angry at me because he asked me what he should ah to his dad and I said “just say hey! I’m looking to get a new phone, can I get your social and passcode so I can see if I have an upgrade?” After that.. he was instantly angry at me, and yet I was excited for him because he had been so excited for months..he was yelling at me and told me I was pressuring him and that’s all I said.. I cried and after that he was even more angry at me because he went to our community college to get money out and when we got there he realized there was a
$3 fee to use it, he looked at me and stomped away and when we got back in the car he was angry at me and said “why didn’t you tell me there was a fee!!” ..I haven’t been in school for about a year..and the whole way there he was giving me the silent treatment ..I didn’t even know we were going to the school till we got there..I tried to make it better by getting money from an ATM at a nearby bar and the ATM was empty so he was even more angry and yelling at me..he even there the receipt I got from the empty machine telling me it was empty, at me. That was the beginning of September this year. A few weeks ago after I took care of him and do all those things I did while he was sick, when he was feeling better he said “go home you’re just hanging out now” ..like I am only good for taking care of him..a couple days before that he was asking me to bring him all kinds of foods and finish his laundry.. and then when I wasn’t needed that’s what he said to me. I cried for a few hours and I wanted to leave so bad right then and there but then he hooked me in with “what’s wrong? You can come back tomorrow night” and “yes I want to have a relationship with you just only in the future when I have a career.” “Yes I promise we will live together next year.” ..I was hooked ..again.. and it’s all I’ve ever known in love and relationships is this person. I came back the next night, and we talked like normal and things were fine, until sex happened, and all he wanted was a blow job..he doesn’t ever ever ever want to do any work during sex, I do it all or he complains if I don’t..so after I gave him one he said “well that sucks” because I finished him in under a minute..so he went to bed and didn’t thank me ..nothing. Now the night before he was very sick..three weeks ago..he had cried to me like I said about his mother and about how she is a failure and how afraid he is of becoming one, so after that he wanted sex, and at the time I was saying no.. I told him I don’t want to have sex anymore if live isn’t going to be involved.. and he forced himself on me, and he said “well I have loving feelings for you right now” and I was hooked back in ..so..a few nights ago..I wanted sex and to cuddle..he has been withholding it from me unless he wants it.. so he is giving me the silent treatment right now because ..I took my shirt off while he was playing the new FF game and was trying to get his attention and he was legitimately ignoring me.. on purpose ..and usually I get attention when I do take my shirt off.. but I can tell.. the freedom I have no to be able to use the bathroom anytime and not have to sometimes wait for a whole day to use it for his roommates to leave..I’m so so certain this power I have now and freedom..irritates him.. There is so much more to it..so much more I could write a small book..but this is the jist of it . I’m terrified to be without him, but I feel excited about finding true love..so I haven’t left.. it’s scary to think there could be worse..because he has said that to me before. By the way, he doesn’t take me out in public, he doesn’t take me out to dinner or on dates, he never has surprised me with anything or even once asked how my day has been.. in fact when we were living together in 2015 he said to me “I do not care about how your day was, go tell someone who does” and then he started getting angry at me and wondering why I wasn’t talking to him anymore..uhg. Help me become stronger.. I’m trying to not break right now. Thank you.
Your abuse has made you overfunction. You need to begin to write your own story: that story of a powerful, loving woman who is embarking on a strange and wonderful journey through life. First, get the boulder off the path. Get away, away, away from the toxic stew that is this man. He is not the boulder: your fear of being without him is. Kick him to the curb, now. Get help from any form of support group or counseling or self help book. The power is in you, access it. Be your own best friend, your own light. Go to the library or look it up online: Martin Seligman, PhD – Learned Optimism. It’s a powerful roadmap to taking back control. You can do it. Find something small today you can control – begin there. Best, Ann
Thank you so much Ann, I am talking to my counselor and she is wonderful, I am trying to forget all of my pain right now because he just left me for someone else yesterday, and he made it sound like I wasn’t good enough for him to choose me..it was painful
He gave you a gift:an open window to crawl out of and get to the future. Glad to hear about this and the counselor. You are on the way. Congrats. Best, Ann
Thank you Ann. Today I purged my bedroom of everything that ever reminded me of him and it took me seven years to do it. I cried when I got rid of the firs thing he ever gave to me, I giant bear, and he got it for me so he could manipulate me into sex.
Because once he was in my home he fought with my family and treated them like shit, my family hates him and many people have offered to kill him, he was always screaming at my mom, and was angry whenever I would ask him to vaccuume, one day he pinned me down and choked me and covered my mouth because I was crying that he wouldn’t help me clean the room, my bedroom he had taken over. One day my mom said she saw me sitting on my computer, 2 years into the relationship, she said I looked like a zombie, and she would want me all of the time that he was going to hurt me and that he’s evil..I would shake my head and ignore her. One day they were in the kitchen together, my mom and my ex, my mom said to him “the fighting you guys do is insane, it’s crazy” his answer, he said “I don’t care and I don’t care if we yell at each other either. I don’t care if she cries and screams.” And I would..I would cry almost everyday. I’m working through it and I’m building my defenses and my armor up because he’s done this three times to me now, and I’m done. Thank you for all of your support, seriously. Thank you.
Pleas do be done, Danielle. Your story reminds me of my relationship and I hope you do not get to the point where I am. He will be back, there is no doubt about that. You’re not only good enough for him, you’re too good.
After being beat down and being treated horribly and having my confidence and self esteem destroyed, he yelled at me one day and told me to leave and never come back so I did. Now he cannot stand it. He has launched an awful smear campaign to ruin my reputation and my career but my reputation has spoken for itself and people have not believed his lies thank goodness.
I just worry about you because he must have had a lot of control for you to wait to use the restroom. That is not love. You are clearly a very giving and caring person and I can totally relate but give to someone who deserves it, who also is giving and caring towards you.
No matter what he says to try to suck you back in… Keep your independence. You have a right to live your own life and not live in his shadow. You’re too good of a person to be treated the way you have described he has treated you.
I too am a victim. I never thought I was but after reading coutless articles I realize that I’ve been living this nightmare I thought I had created. I’m still “trapped” in this situation as I cannot financially do it alone right now. But I have my exit strategy and am counting the days to freedom. I love her this is still true but I think now I hate her more. I hate the broken promises and more so how she made me hate myself. I know some day soon I’ll look back on this and be in a better place and this all will just be a memory. The good ones I’ll hold onto but the rest a lesson to never let it happen again. To all who face this demon we love so much, we are strong enough, we will win in the end. Just hold on, I tell myself that every second of every day. I’m holding on and looking forward to a better tomorrow full of love and peace. Be well.
Best to you on the journey ahead. Take care of yourself. Best, Ann
You are 100% right. They slowly kill our spirit and minds and we are truly in a state of learned helplessness. Taking REAL action like getting a restraining order made me feel free. I felt like a new person and still can’t believe I am free. He was scared of me and what the law could do to him and happily went away. I feel like I had no idea how depressed I had become. The day I filed a restraining order, I got a therapist who “got it” and he is helping me to begin to “fly again” as he put it. It helps that the therapist is a male and has NO sympathy for the psychopath at all. I got a gun and learned to use it by going to the shooting range and having professional lessons from an instructor. I learned the laws so if he breaks into my house to kill me, he will be dead, not me. I have not been able to sleep well in a year. Finally, I can really enjoy a sound long restful sleep and wake up feeling good and in charge. I no longer feel like a sitting duck wondering and waiting for some hideous unexpected event, like me getting killed in the middle of the night. I know he is extremely mentally sick and nothing but God one day when he is dead has the power to change him into a decent human. I really truly don’t care what happens to him now or even after death in spiritual sense. I don’t and shouldn’t forgive him. I don’t think it is our place to forgive them. God can and will one day in a spiritual world IF they earn it. Here on earth, they will never earn forgiveness and I believe, unlike others, that forgiving someone who is dangerous presents even more danger. I think it is very healthy to not forgive and to walk away feeling safe and in charge. That is really the only REAL way to be very safe and happy. Forgiveness of a thief, liar, and emotional rapist and monster is not healthy and it creates a burden for the survivor to forgive because it is WRONG to forgive these things just because we want to see ourselves as good forgiving people. That is nonsense that just feeds into the delusion that these actions should be forgiven. Instead, they should be punished by God, through karma (a force has the power to give them what they have earned).
I am happy to see that someone is talking about REAL action like reporting the opposing counsel you mentioned. Without real , instrumental action, just walking away and “moving on” does not work because logistically we are still at huge risk of more hell from these unrelenting monsters.
Also, it is important that they do not see us happy or hear that we are happy. If I ever run into him anywhere, I am prepared to immediately look completely neutral and bland (emotionless). Looking happy is a trigger for them to do something to make us miserable; so, I shift into neutral appearance whenever I might run into him. No trigger, no reaction on their part. It has been a long very miserable journey. Not one more second will be wasted on even the thought that he has ever existed. He is a sick dangerous predator and needs to be perceived that way for me to be safe and happy again. The law is on my side, thank God.
Today powerful is me!! The fog cleared. What worked for me is realizing that I was giving him opportunity. He knew everything about me, my thoughts , my needs, financially emotionally because I’m an open book. That gave him the opportunity or should I say opportunities (many) to strike then when I said ” hey a#$%%$$%! He would get that crazed whaaaaat the heck are YOOOOOU talking about your a crazy woman look….it was double whammys all day. 15 yes of shock followed with anxiety followed with anger hurt and eventually I hardly came out of my room, I had no patience or capacity to enjoy my kids. Take away their opportunity he lived with me….its as simple as not including them in your daily life. Try the gray rock method. None of its easy because they are so not right. Take back your power.
I try to be fair, but the hurt still lies beneath and every time I think I can be strong it falls apart and I cave. letting the ball go back to his court. My power to stand, deceives me in the time of need. My ex left one month after I had second child and never gave me a reason. It has been about 5 years now separated sharing kids on week-ends. He is a recovering alcoholic almost 20 years clean but does not go to meetings. His family has enabling qualities and do things that I do not agree with. I feel I cannot control but I should have control, I am the Mother. I feel weakened and beaten inside my heart. I try to be friends but to no evail I get down afterwards. I do want to know what my children are doing. I feel like I was used to give him children, and they do not want to be with me, he is the fun Dad. I do not feel complete.
I fell for all the Narc lies and fairy tales. Our entire relationship was based on a foundation of them. I was trusting and gullible. For several years I was blind to his deception. After spending years scouring psych books trying to find ways to help my husband with what I naively thought was a porn and masturbation problem, turns out he just had a screwing problem. Add that to his covert narcissism coupled with antisocial behavior disorder and I was toast the second I became involved with him. It took me about five years, one marriage, and one beautiful baby girl to open my eyes to the destruction he was wreaking on my life. I had my f*%k it moment and made him leave. He surrendered the property and I changed the locks. My most empowering and compelling reason to send him on his way was shining at me from both my daughters’ faces. I know that I am the best example to teach them that they have to stick up for themselves in life. They have to be strong enough to make those tough decisions, especially when they are the most pain inducing, frightening, and life changing decisions imaginable.
It has been 11 months since he left. 11 very long, trying months. Trying to figure out the obsessed ex syndrome has been very educational. The stalking, triangulation between his mistress, him, and myself, and the abuse by proxy delivered at the hands of his idiot flying monkeys has been a weird rollercoaster ride. We have lost just about everything. Car, home, my faith, but we are so much better off. With him and his hurtful abuse gone, we laugh a lot more and we love a whole lot more. While he has had access to thousands of dollars from tax returns, selling property, and a very well paying job, the girls and I scrape by whatever we can to survive. He has slid into a $3000 hole of back child support that is finally starting to be taken care of. We begin a criminal threat trial in a couple of weeks from 8 months ago when he threatened to kill me, and we just went through mediation (with no results) to set the custody and finalize the terms of the divorce. Despite all of those obstacles and more, I’m still fighting back. Kicking and screaming the whole way. I told him before that no matter what he does, I’ll never back down and he’ll never be able to break me and I mean it with every ounce of my being. My girls are the driving force for that.
I spent these last 11 months going thru and wallowing in every emotion that comes with such a tragic awakening. Hate, hurt, disbelief, shock, self pity, etc. Finally, one day I decided I’d had enough and I was taking my life back. This July 4th was MY Independence Day. I still struggle, but now its a struggle for me. I’m ready to grab my life and take it back. Sometimes that there is the hardest step to take. You just have to believe enough in yourself and the woman you once knew and leap.
You are one resilient person! Sorry you had to live through so much but sometimes that’s just the way it is, no rhyme or reason. And your strength got you back on your feet to move forward with your daughters. I’m not a psychic but the journey ahead looks pretty good for you! Bumps on the road will be encountered but so are bridges – some you will build and some others will build for you. Best to you and thank you for sharing. Ann
Hey your stories are really empowering. I been in a so call relationship with my N. When I met him I was in college confident doing what make me happy. I met him in a mall and I didn’t want to talk to him but he was persistent after the third try I decided to talk to him. We date and it was really nice. But he will disappear too.. He was charming. He got me pregnant on purpose. He was excited. Until two month later on a date with him I decided to go through his car. I find a picture of a child he said he never had. He lie to me about his kids. When he get caught he tell me he can’t have kids. Ok I’m pregnant with his kid. I was really hurt so I left and remarry. My daughter didn’t know he until she was 3. He play like he wanted to be a father to my daughter but he only wanted to ruin my marriage.. he use my daughter to get to me. I got divorce from a good person who care for my daughter u was there and uplifting to her. Because of him. I trying to be with him we never live in the same house. He gave me a house to live in with my daughter. I need up believing his lies again a got pregnant with second daughter. I don’t know his family or meet his friends. He says because he from Africa. He lie to me about everything. We want my first daughter to have his last name so bad because it was my husband last name. So we change it.when I decided to do my seach on him. I going out his real name. It’s man is a lier so my child has a name to me made up. I been to lie to about everything I don’t know this man. He thinks he better because he had money. I can’t take being with someone who put u down who lie to u. I see it’s only hurting me. I’m taken back my power. I see I’m not along thank you for the article and comments it really help me to leave.
Best to you and your daughter as you journey forth. You have the power and it looks like you found it and are using it. Inspirational. TY, Best, Ann
I was married to a N 30yrs Then he came out of the closet and said he was seeing men. I divorced him and walked right into another N relationship. I feel like there is no me anymore. Can’t even remember what I enjoy in life. Do not know what to do
I am currently in a 9 yr marriage with a N, he has everyone fooled, he even talks bad about me to his older daughters from another marriage so they won’t like me, we have no kids, he is close to my kids but will not let me get close to his, he has fooled everyone at church, but he isn’t fooling God, he got a deacon position in the church and at home he’s very emotionally abusive to me, he does not give me any money cause with my health I don’t work right now, so I go without tampons, toothpaste, I have used my children child support to help me buy things, he will not let me go grocery shopping he does it, his life revolves around him, I wanted to go back to school, but he said he wants to persue a career in ministry, he acts nice to people at church and goes home and talks crap about them. He tells me I destroy everything I touch yet he has tore up two cars sitting in our yard, put holes in walls, he doesn’t support me on anything! So I turn to God, he’s my strength on my weakest days. I find myself praying a lot for help and comfort and gods love to see me through. The only friends I have are at church, I got where I walk around numb to this marriage, and he seems perfectly content, because he has stolen my joy of life, he feeds off of the pain he puts me in. But I am a child abuse survivor so I’m a fighter, and I do deal with depression and he doesn’t make it any better, but I refuse to let him destroy me, God is building me strong again and I will survive his N abuse. I have no where to go so I try to stay focused on my future one day being free of this monster of a man.
I am sure that with time and your faith, your intelligence, and hope you can begin to outline some plans in your head that will allow you to leave and lead the life you so richly deserve. Keep looking around the internet, be sure and delete history if he uses the computer also. Getting involved in some activities at church might help you not focus and see a broader picture of planning your exit. It may take time, go slowly, but keep hope. I’m not surprised he has a position at church – many narcissists do. He seems to have sociopathic tendencies also. If there are any community assets you can use, do so. From free counseling to food banks…please take care of you. Think of how important you are. Plan quietly, slowly in your mind and let that be a beacon of light as you journey forth. Best, Ann
I have taken back control over where I go with friends in my town. My ex covert narc and his sister have sat there smearing me loudly in restaurants over lunch, almost every day, for a long time. So I was embarrassed to go out in that part of town. They come from a political family and even though those “great family” days have long gone, they act like they own this place. Well – today I am going to see – my son – literally not his son – play music with some friends at a nice restaurant and even if my ex shows up with his date (sister) I am going to enjoy myself, smile and hold my head up high. In fact, for my son’s sake, I left my narc know I would be coming – and he backed out. Victory – I can enjoy my own town again!
I control what I think about me. You don’t get to do that narc,..Not anymore.